Sexual Assault Was i raped? was it my fault?

[Lalaluna]

Yes you were raped. There is freeze response to trauma, and it sounds like you experienced. You had sev...

Thank you.

 

[Waylay]

About a year ago my friend and I were playing around about online dating. I hadn't been talking to any...

I had a similar experience, and asked myself the same question for years. Then I read more about the Fight or Flight reaction, and discovered that there's more to it. There are also Freeze and Flop.

In a dangerous situation, if you're likely to win a fight, you might Fight. If you probably won't win and there's a way out, you'd go with Flight and run away. But what do you do if you can't win in a fight, and you can't flee (nowhere to go, or you physically can't get away)? The next option is to Freeze.

Animals go into Freeze reactions when there's a much stronger predator nearby and they can't get away. They stop dead and don't move a muscle. Why is this useful? Predators tend to look for movement when they're hunting, so if the prey Freezes, the predator might not notice them. If the predator finds the prey, it might lose interest - not moving might = dead, and a lot of predators won't eat carrion. Even if the predator does attack the prey, if the prey doesn't fight it's less likely to get badly hurt, so there's still a chance to escape later (a small one, but still a chance)!

When I was a kid I was taught what to do if I ran into a grizzly bear (I grew up in Canada). Grizzlies are aggressive, bigger and stronger than humans, faster at running and climbing trees, and wow... claws and teeth. They kill hikers every so often. So let's say you run into a grizzly on a hiking trail. You can't fight it - you'll die. Flee? It's faster than you. Hmmm. Next up: Freeze: fall down to the ground and act like you're dead. People often survive a grizzly encounter this way (sometimes with bear bites, but that's still better than dying!).

Flop is essentially what an animal does when it's been caught and is about to die. It goes completely floppy and dissociates, so it suffers less while being killed.

These reactions are NOT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. They're initiated by your animal brain, not your conscious, thinking brain. The animal brain gets threat messages before the conscious brain does, so by the time you realise what's going on, your body is already reacting. Freezing doesn't mean that you wanted what he did, or that you consciously gave in. It means that your animal brain got a danger message, couldn't Fight or Flee, and chose the next option: Freeze.

In your situation, he was bigger and stronger than you, so fighting wasn't going to work. You were in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to run to, and it doesn't sound like you could get away from him, so Flight wasn't possible. What comes next? You Froze.

Freezing is an instinctual thing - you can't control it. It doesn't seem to be widely known, and it should be! So many judges, lawyers, and juries need to know this - maybe then they wouldn't ask why "she didn't fight". Survivors need to know about this. Freezing doesn't mean that you weren't raped. It means that he what he did set off your deep survival mechanisms, and your brain and body did what they thought was the safest thing.

Please don't blame yourself.

Sorry, I haven't slept for a long time, so this is probably all over the place.

 

[EveHarrington]

I had a similar experience, and asked myself the same question for years. Then I read more about the Fight or Flight re...

Flop? That’s new on me! I’d think it would be an extension of freeze?

I know a lot of sources say the fourth F is fawn. I know fawn is a go to response for me (which totally sucks!)

Maybe there are five F’s?

 

[Sideways]

Yup - in the Flop response your body floods you with natural opiates to help neutralise the pain of an anticipated physical attack, and your body goes limp, rather than the more typically rigid freeze reaction:)

 

[Abstract]

Another previous periodic flopper here. Its what originally brought me to the site.

 

[Lalaluna]

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do or feel. Like it's been a year and I feel like I'm burly reacting? Is that even a thing?

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do or feel. Like it's been a year and I feel like I'm burly rea...

You’re not supposed to feel anything other than what you already feel.

Some people stay numb/non-reactive for a long time.

 

[Abstract]

You also don;t have to have any particular reaction to this long term. Reactions are reactions. All possibilities are possible. Best is to just work with what is presenting itself in the right now.

 

[intheprocess]

I agree with Sweetleaf.

It was definitely rape and I encourage you to both report it and go to a rape crisis center. Go to the rape crisis center first. I went there and they were great.