Sexual Assault Was i raped? was it my fault?

[Lalaluna]

About a year ago my friend and I were playing around about online dating. I hadn't been talking to anyone or had thought about dating in 3 years I was taking time to know myself. But I thought maybe I would see what it was like. All the people on their were so dumb and I decided that online dating was not my thing. But their was this guy that stood out to me. So before I deleted the dating app I decided maybe I would give him a shot. We talked for days all day long. He was nice and sweet. He had a good job, he was family oriented, he went to school was super smart. We went out a couple of times and I thought to myself "I am so lucky to have met him".

One day we went to get coffee; it was late at night so we went for a drive instead. We stopped at a park. That park was not very know.so it was pretty lonely. So we sat in the back of his truck and talked an when everything was going great he kissed me. And I thought it was a good thing. Then things started to get a little more heated. But I didn't want to have sex with him. I told him that I was not ready for sex. I hadn't known him that much and I wanted to take things slow. But he kept on insisting and no matter how much I said no I was trying to fight him he would just say "it okay we're not going to do anything". "It's okay nothing is going to happen" he was alot bigger than me.... As he was pulling down my pants I just froze. I stopped fighting. And after he was he said "I'm so sorry I couldn't stop my self are you okay?" And after I felt sick but I told him it was okay... Then I just couldn't move. When he took me home I didn't want to get of his car... I didn't want to go into my house... But I didn't think of it anymore... I stoped talking to him. And I moved on with my life the next day.. but lately I have been really thinking about it... And I feel like I have no right to feel this way..

It wasn't rape right? And if it was... it was my fault right? Because I went with him? Because I stoped fighting him. Because I just laid there? Because I said "itsi okay". I just want to know if what I'm feeling is right!.

 

[Overcoming]

If you said no, but continued to be pressured, then yes it was. It doesn't matter that you went with him in his truck or anything like that. He still chose his actions, not you. He is responsible for them. That can be a confusing place to be in. I'm sorry that happened.

 

[ILoveLife]

I think it was. No means no, means no.
It is definitely not your fault.
I'm sorry you were stuck frozen in that situation.

 

[Friday]

I’d really recommend you read this >>> Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It wasn't rape right? And if it was... it was my fault right? Because I went with him? Because I stoped fighting him. Because I just laid there? Because I said "itsi okay".

I have a lot of the same problems myself, in regards to sexual assault trauma.

It's really hard to not feel like it's your fault - it's hard to not feel like you "made a choice" and therefore it was your fault - but there was no real choice. You said no, he kept going, he kept pressuring, he physically forced himself on you against your will, and you didn't react as a -survival mechanism- to prevent yourself from being physically harmed.

You told him "it's okay" as a -survival mechanism- to make him less likely to hurt you. You froze, and things went the way they did, as a way to survive the situation.

He could have physically hurt you, and struggling could have just resulted in him forcing it, hurting you, maybe even killing you. You did what you had to do to survive. It's horrible to have to live with but, you are alive and in one piece physically, and that's because you handled the situation like someone who wanted to live and not get injured - so it's not your fault, and you were just reacting to a survival situation - our brains and bodies evolved to react like that in certain situations.

Think of "fight or flight" - there is not just fight and flight though. There is also freeze, fawn, submit - maybe there are even more. I wouldn't know. Anyway - you froze - think like a deer in the headlights - it's freezing, just a natural reaction to threatening stimuli - for the deer though it's the wrong reaction. For you it was the right reaction.

I hate that it happened to you, I hate that it happens to people but:
It was rape - but it wasn't your fault. It's not your fault going with a guy on a date wound up with you getting sexually assaulted - countless people go on dates every day, it's not something that is -supposed- to result in being raped. It's not your fault you chose to talk to the guy, and go with him in his car and all of that. It's not your fault you stopped resisting, froze, and told him it was okay, even though it was very not okay - you did all of that to survive and get through it.

Sorry all of that happened to you.

Are you in therapy or anything like that?

 

[Fadeaway]

No means no, rape is never the fault of the victim.

 

[Lalaluna]

I have a lot of the same problems myself, in regards to sexual assault trauma.

It's really hard to...

I am not I have never actually talked about it with anyone because I've been ashamed..

 

[Overcoming]

@Lalaluna you've got nothing to be ashamed of. That man's act does not identify you. He is at fault. Therapy would be good to help you address the negative cognitions youryo wrestling with

 

[Sweetleaf]

I am not I have never actually talked about it with anyone because I've been ashamed..

You are not the one who should feel ashamed. He is the one who should feel ashamed, not you - but I totally understand. I have a hard time with feelings of shame, myself. It's kind of funny - when I read about your situation, I can -very clearly- see that it isn't your fault - that you should -not- be feeling -any- shame - but when I think about my own I have trouble doing the same thing.

But, it wasn't my fault. I am not the one who should be ashamed. It wasn't your fault. You are not the one who should feel ashamed.

These are tough feelings to deal with.

Do you have health coverage, or any ability to pay for therapy?
If you don't - there are still ways to get some help and treatment, I can go over some of them if you like.

@Lalaluna you've got nothing to be ashamed of. That man's act does not identify you. He is at fault. Therapy would be good to help you address the negative cognitions youryo wrestling with

This - this right here. HE is the one who should feel immense shame and guilt - not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and therapy would definitely be helpful to you.

 

[hithere]

Yes you were raped. There is freeze response to trauma, and it sounds like you experienced. You had several days of shock after and as the shock wore off it sounds like you just tried to forget about it. You didn't deal with it. Now your body and mind say it's time to look at this and deal with it. It isn't your fault, but I know that deep confusion that this assault brought you. It is not unusual for a rapist say he/she is sorry afterwards. Not only that, sex is a really strange force of nature. You are not "ruined" either, and you will heal and you will have someone in your life who deeply cares for you, has self-control and self-respect, and sensitivity. If you do choose therapy, go slowly and listen to your instincts. You will find your way out of this. I'm really, really sorry. It's important you learn to be hugged and cared for again. You do deserve caring.

 

[EveHarrington]

No matter what you feel, your feelings are never wrong! :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Couldn't stop himself, huh?

Had the roles been flipped, I'm sure you could have respected his boundaries. I promise he was in control of himself. It wasn't your fault at all. It was against your will and therefore it was rape.

Many hugs to you. I'm sorry you have been going through this... and sorry that that happened to you and left you with so many confusing feelings. But your reaction was natural and normal. It's normal for women to freeze to prevent further aggression, and he was being aggressive. It wasn't your fault.

:hug:

Are you considering therapy for this? You said you haven't talked about it before now, but this shame isn't yours to carry. You deserve to not be bothered by what happened anymore.