Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Swift]

Definitely a joy to this site.
Doing really well in a hard situation.

 

[littleoc]

The wedding was amazing. My baby brother is married <3 to a beautiful, wonderful woman. My wife-in-law! I think that’s how that works! :P

Mild triggers, but they were mostly just thinking points. Nothing that hurt me. Am exhausted though.

My service dog had an allergic reaction to shampoo but she’s going to be okay. Just can’t wear her colar for a week or so. Vet helped. But she’s getting old and will need to retire soon. I need to begin training a new companion. I don’t want to work my best friend to death. I love her too much.

My illness got worse. The physical one. I can’t eat anything and keep it. I’m focusing on vitamin waters and such and trying to eat despite the pain to absorb as much as possible. I don’t want to become malnourished.

I wanted to cancel my next nutritionist appointment and the biofeedback people (there’s something wrong with my pelvic floor muscle, so even having to pee is causing awful pain), because I owe 1500$ish in medical bills at the moment (not bad compared to my mom’s cancer bill though, or, like, most medical debts in this country), but I also have 17,000$ in loans so I might just be overthinking the other loans. They’re a opportunity to have amazing credit scores though. At least that’s how I’m thinking of it.

If I become a public school teacher, my loans will be forgiven.

My grandfather and grandmother (psycho dad’s side) want to pay for my braces. I will like my reflection even more. I’m getting used to my own face. I recognize it in pictures. I like my face better in the mirror than in pictures. In pictures, I think it looks weird. I’ve been told that that’s pretty normal. I tried make up today and it was pretty fun. Wanted to look nice for the wedding!

It was a great time, minus running to the bathroom after eating all the food offered to me.

I am also not great at good stress right now. Must be the PTSD cup thing. But I did really well. Handled issues fine.

I can’t take my medications tonight because I decided to have a piña colada.

And my dad never did figure out where the wedding was, apparently, because he didn’t try to crash it :P

His dad, my grandfather, is so much like my dad. It makes me miss my dad. Except my grandpa is actually a nice man. Successful businessman, music industry. Hanging out with famous people like Rod Stewart. Way more interesting man, way kinder. I should hang out with HIM any time I miss my dad. :) His wife, my dad’s step mom (my grandma) literally gifted me the shirt off her back today so I’d say they like me fine :P

 

[littleoc]

Being in a hotel shower. Flash backs to a hospital. It’s the towels touching my skin. But I’m in a hotel, not a hospital. So remembering that, they aren’t troubling me too much at all :)

 

[littleoc]

Spooked at 2am. Nightmare?

I gave my service dog Benedryl (at vet’s advice) so she was just laying next to me so still. Spooked me to awakenedness. She’s totally fine, obviously.

I don’t want her to age. Dogs age too fast. But right now she’s just tired <3

This is probably a consequence of choosing piña colada over Prazosin. It’s okay for this once. Nothing too frightening. Just need to get back to sleep.

 

[ILoveLife]

Hug to you and your lovely doggy :hug:

 

[Freida]

So happy the wedding went well!

and yea - no therapy for a month and all the stress you have been under? I'm guessing your cup overfloweth! But you are doing a great job of handling it.....

I wonder if the house is upsetting you more these days because you are accepting that it's NOT your responsibility? That you are seeing what we see? that the house is a result of other's decisions and not something you did wrong? hmmmm......

As always - so very proud of you

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, peeps :hug::hug:

I am completely overwhelmed. Even good stress is making me feel... odd.

Even needed an inhaler earlier. My lungs were literally burning.

My service dog is fine, but giving her Benedryl slows her down (no surprise), but anything for her comfort. I held a baby lab today but didn’t bring her back here, mostly because Nestle didn’t start crying with happiness on seeing her (despite having that reaction with a different stranger puppy earlier today). I want Nestle to help me with any pup (she helps with everything, has helped professors’, chancellor’s, deans’, and others’ puppers learn things) and also it’s important to me that my doggo and any new pup get along well. But also, I can’t raise a puppy in a dorm room at the same time as having a full time job. Not unless I want to lock her in a kennel all day... Also also, I MUST have a clean room to go back to SOMEWHERE before I consider this. All dogs need space and shouldn’t ever be put in a position to have to compete for space.

Last night I chose alcohol over my medication. I’m not regretful because so far I’m too afraid of alcohol to drink regularly (my father is an alcoholic, as is my brother-in-law) and I feel it was okay to celebrate on my “vacation,” and also I was very, very careful not to mix any medications with it. Also, it was a piña colada, so not exactly the highest amount of alcohol ever. I have been sipping on a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey whiskey (I got it at their distillery (if you aren’t an alcoholic/harmed in any way by alcohol, I highly recommend visiting! It’s really awesome)) all year, about a sip every other week or so. So it’s much weaker than that.

I was brainwashed slightly. Brandi hated anyone who drank and would insult them. Even after they were 21. Brandi assumed I had a problem when I was 20 because I loved the flavor of her first real drink ever and wanted it when she wouldn’t finish it. At the time I thought that was funny.

She also grabbed my wrist and yanked me away from elevator buttons that day when I couldn’t hear her. Just a year earlier she had banned me from making a friend because that friend would have been shameful and also because Brandi saw her grab my wrist. Brandi was weirdly aggressive about it to that poor kid, though I strongly feel she was bluffing or overacting for affect. Brandi was very dramatic. (Even her crying. Very loud. Always sobbing like a wounded, abandoned bride... I don’t mean that in a mean way?)






But, the medication I forfeited was Prazosin, which I’m supposed to take for anxiety as well. My anxiety is out of control and my coping skills failed to tame it, so I began completely attempting to avoid it. I’ve been “tic-ing” basically with the amount of times I’ve started saying “shhhhh” to myself, trying to block out not only thoughts but memories. My good memory was apparently only useful for tests in school.

I reflexively say “shhh” and can’t really help it. Works out as a great cue for the service dog, though.

The anxiety became an intense sense of doom, to the point that I was having to pull out logic to say that killing myself to avoid the mysterious doom is absolutely not going to help, because it’s a distortion. In my head. It’s okay. Everything is okay. No one is dying. My little bro just got married. I deserve to feel happy about that! And I am!

But the doom feeling is horrible. I’m feeling incredibly weird. And frustrated because I want to understand why my brain is doing this. I’m safe though, don’t worry. I’m using the logic that the doom feeling could technically be fear that I might act on suicidal/desperate thoughts for relief of that doom/doom feeling. It’s technically correct and also it reminds me that saying safe = trying to relax.

I’m sure all this hoardedhouse-to-hotel-to-wedding-to-hotel-to-dorm is overwhelming me. Moving is incredibly difficult for me. I don’t adjust well.

Also, service dog has been noticing when the anxiety gets that severe and is helping me. But I gave her more benedryl because her health and comfort is important to me. But this is beyond anxiety attack, sort of. I guess it kind of is one. Just without tears and heavy breathing. Just that horrible certainty of doom.




also I am getting weirdly desperate with food again. Nothing is working (though maybe stress, even good stress, is contributing). Everything I eat is coming back out within three hours, no matter what it is. I’m eating way too much trying to absorb food, but it’s becoming more and more painful. I am considering fasting because the pain is unbearable. But I don’t want to be hungry. It freaks me out and makes me feel sick to be hungry.

Also I keep seeing my uncle starving to death slowly, asking us for Manwhich. That last day when all he did was stare because his brain had starved, but the non-thinking parts were desperately holding on.




Also seeing memories of various cats dying. And Brandi’s parakeet Snowflake.



Also also also, my twin brother called me excitedly while I was doing my bedtime routine (more like “bedtime ritual” but whatever) to tell me good news, that he and his girlfriend of one month are engaged now. Right after my little bro’s wedding. So at this point he’s (well, they’re) not only rushing their relationship, but also our families. Our families literally don’t know each other. Not even one holiday together. When little bro’s new wife (!!!!!!) called me her sister I cried a little (tried not to, afraid of headaches), but when twin’s fiancé :unsure: called me sister I got an uneasy, fearful feeling. And I liked her fine when I was hanging out with her yesterday. We have similar interests.

Half of my fears are in my head. (As much as she reminds me of her, she’s not Brandi. Brandi hated children and wouldn’t have come out what Twin’s fiancé went through NEARLY as awesomely as twin’s fiancé has. Also, I clearly am having amazingly high anxiety today, so...). On the other hand, I was freaking out and therefore weirdly silent on the phone call while fiancé was giggling happily because what the f*ck do I say?

He doesn’t believe in divorce so it’ll just have to work out. Many humans go through arranged marriages and come out fine after the hormones fade. Maybe it’ll work out. Hopefully she doesn’t leave him suddenly. I hope Twin realizes that rushing this is damaging trust between our two families. Our family is very welcoming though.


And I’m hungry.

And my brain is half convinced that this engagement announcement is related to my sense of doom. The rest of me is trying so hard to convince myself that it was just a coincidence, and everyone’s safe.

I’m going into the forums for advice I think. But typing this out helped slightly so I think that’s great. That means that one coping skill worked. I didn’t avoid it either, so that’s nice.

See? Not all bad at all. It’s been an amazing fun week and day!

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug:
If you still feel this way in the morning consider going to an ER please.

 

[Freida]

Oh hunny---stop!

You have so much going on it would make anyone anxious. Take a big breath and take a step back. You can do this. You just need a step back for some perspective.

first - nourishment. If you are struggling what about something like ensure or carnation instant breakfast? Lots of protein and vitamins but not a lot of food on your poor tummy.

the sense of doom could be the combination of JD and Prazosin even if you hadn't taken it. Sometimes those things can stay in your system for a couple days before it's safe to add anything else. maybe that' contributing to the doom? Or maybe you just have too much going on and too much to think about

good news though -- you know what is bothering you! That is huge!

 

[littleoc]

@Sietz Emergency rooms stainless! But alright, if it doesn’t get better I will find a doctor.

My mom will be visiting me today, and I’m going to guess that that’s going to help. My mom is usually prettt chill.

good news though -- you know what is bothering you! That is huge!

True!!

 

[ILoveLife]

Are you feeling any better? :)

 

[ninja]

Depending on how much you drank and ate around that time, it is not at all unusual for me (and I'm told, for others as well) to get "backlash" anxiety after the alcohol wears off. It can take me a good few days to straighten out again. Maybe you can sit by some trees and listen to the wind, or go on a leisurely walk or listen to some favorite music. . whatever might help you feel connected to the beautiful parts of this world.
I'm sorry for the massive anxiety; it is a horrible feeling. Sending support.