When dissociation gets dangerous

[ShodokanJenn]

As I said in a different post, I had a really scary experience a while ago while dissociated. I "left reality" at church on a Sunday morning. I "came back" that evening, with about 450 acetaminophen pills missing. My fear was that I'd taken them. I had a scary trip to the emergency room, and thankfully an understanding doctor.

Since then, I've been dissociating way more than normal. I've been finding random bruises and scratches on myself, losing things (like an entire outfit, in which are my wallet and my grounding rock), moving things, finding the stove on with nothing in it, finding the stove on with charcoal food in it, cat food in the toilet... so far, nothing has resulted in serious harm, but I'm scared it will.

When I was younger, the dissociation often led to trips to the ER for hundreds of stitches at a time. I and my therapist are both concerned that that could happen again. We have agreed that for now, I'll stay out of the hospital, but only because I have promised to not be alone all day like I usually am.

Is there anybody who has had similar experiences? If so, what steps have you taken to stay safe?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@ShodokanJenn I am getting a lot of disassociating from EMDR, nothing as bad as what you described, but some at dangerous times like when driving.

 

[Carlycat]

Hi shodokanjenn. I know this post is old. I hope you are feeling a little better.
I’m experiencing a similar thing. My question is how to stop myself when I don’t know it’s happening? I’ve ‘woken up’ holding a knife in one hand about to stab myself and the other hand is trying to stop it.
I know I was incredibly suicidal a few weeks ago and was going to do it. An hour or so later I turned up outside work and went in like nothing had happened. I don’t know what I did or where I went. I don’t know how I got back to work. This feels dangerous and I want to stop it.
I am used to getting lost on a regular basis, people remembering conversations I don’t etc. It has always seemed like an irritating minor issue and that I’m just a bit dizzy but this has happened before in my life and is happening again. The benign emptiness is being taken over by something more dangerous.
It feels so out of control because I won’t even know it’s even sort of happened until afterwards and then all I remember is that I don’t.
I am working in grounding and mindfulness. They seemed to make it worse sometimes. It’s like my brain can’t even take anything good at that point, it just pushes me further inside.
Any advice to this would be very gratefully appreciated. I am trying to choose not to die and want to make sure I keep control of that choice.
Thank you for listening.

 

[shimmerz]

This type of reality was all mine for about 9 years. It was insanity. The only way I got through it was to allow people to 'watch' me. I couldn't actually be trusted on my own as there was a preverbal part of me that needed to get away and die. Period.

I can suggest setting up a camera to see what you are doing in times that are being lost. Or someone else taping you. Look for differences in somatics. I noticed that when the child that wanted to die was activated she would turn her right foot inwards. That meant she was about to try to 'escape'.

Somewhere along the line I ended up tying myself to the bed at night because I kept running outside at night due to night terrors. It is cold here in January at night time. People were uncomfortable with that, but I had to do what I had to do.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is terrifying.

 

[Carlycat]

Hi shimmerz thank you for replying. I will try some of your suggestions. I might try a tracking app or something similar.
Could I ask how it stopped eventually? How did yo manage to get to that preverbal part to stop it? I feel this is a similar thing for me.
Thanks again

 

[Swift]

Similar things here.
Most recent is my broken left hand that I had to get wired back together.
A few things that work for me, in no particular order:
Don't keep knives in the house. My cooking knife is ceramic and very blunt, and also kept at the top of a cupboard where it's an effort to reach.
Webster pack for my meds.
Phone linked to my computer securely so I can trace myself if I decide to go walking.
Mints - strong ones, for bringing myself back to reality.
Good music that I try to sing along to if I'm feeling loopy.
Soft things are quite grounding for me - blankets, my teddy bear, scarves.
Smells - I wear perfume I like, have vanilla by my bed (some people do lavender, I hate lavender), basil in my garden, etc etc.


Basically, I try and make my dangerous stuff difficult to get to. Dissociated me isn't stupid, but nor does it like going to too much effort, I've learnt through trial and error.

Have you done many grounding exercises and stuff? Sometimes these are effective, but doing them on the reg has decreased my incidences of extreme dissociation/injury.

 

[shimmerz]

How did yo manage to get to that preverbal part to stop it?

There were a bunch of things so it was a process more than a thing. I have taken some time to think this through because there were lots of little things (like tying myself to the bed).
1. I watched for somatic clues that I was being hijacked (right foot turning in).
2. I recognized that it was a part of me - not me entirely - that was causing this behaviour. This made the problem less 'big' and allowed me to continue trusting me in situations where I was not being hijacked.
3. I had people watching me in case I did something stupid. These people noticed when I was switching and taught me what that looked like so that I could manage on my own one day, which I can at this point.
4. Trying to figure out what triggered that part out. Again, supporters were terrific for this but I also tried my best to see what it was.
5. Never. Ever. Gave up. Except once. About a year ago. My supporters (especially the people here) kept doing what they could to prop me back up again.
6. Never missed a T appt.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My question is how to stop myself when I don’t know it’s happening?

I've "woken up" on the train tracks by my house. A human couldn't of stopped that. Was in the middle of the night. Cops didn't even see me and they patrol that train tracks for suicidal people as it"s the Sunrail. Thus super active. Today I have a service dog that is trained to alert me to the panic and fear that causes that deep of disocciation and to react to the disocciation and to keep me safe. He will jump up on me. Tackle me if necessary. I haven't been able to train a safe tackle or take down but his 80lb pure muscle self can indeed take me down and I've trained him to be super persistant. So, he'll take me down. He's done it a few times on accident. Then lay on me until I've "woken up" so I can't move.

But other things I did was if I woke up with knives around they got locked up. I placed a pad lock at the top of my front door to keep it closed if I were to unlock the normal locks. Lock up other items that I found myself with. Cut my fingernails short to limit how much self harm I was doing with my fingernails.

And then my therapist and I worked on ways to reduce the panic and fear. One of those things is something I did tonight. To indulge in hiding in the dark. I spent the last few hours laying on the dark, pitch black, bathroom floor looking out the crack at the bottom of the door. The dark is my saftey. Where I feel safe. It lets me feel like I'm back in the closet. Where nothing was hurting me and I could forget easier. Where I didnt have to see it. Allowing myself to retreat into the saftey of the dark stopped the need for saftey of disocciation. Or, at least slowed it down some.

Where do you feel the most safe? And can you induldge in it when you feel unsafe? It may not be the healthiest way to cope but its certianly better then moving around without memory of it and the dangers that brings.

 

[joeylittle]

My question is how to stop myself when I don’t know it’s happening? I’ve ‘woken up’ holding a knife in one hand about to stab myself and the other hand is trying to stop it.

Something that might work for awhile would be to set an alarm to go off once an hour (on your phone, for example) and try doing a quick grounding practice when it does. The 5 senses exercise could be good. You could also pop a sour candy at that time. Change the sound of the alarm with some frequency so you don’t become accustomed to it.

If you are experiencing this kind of stuff as sleep disturbance, either securing yourself to the bed (as @shimmerz suggested) or placing pans of ice water around the sides of your bed that you can’t block with a wall.

Finally, safety-proof your living environment. It can be a pain, but it’s doable. I lived without keeping anything sharp (knives, scissors, razors, etc) for a long time.

 

[Carlycat]

Hi all
Thank you so much for your responses and advice. I will try as many of them as possible.
I am trying to talk with the bit of me I think may be responsible. The bit that really hates us. I do this when I am at home on my own and try to remember to check in with them as to where they’re at during the day.
It is scary to be wandering round not entirely sure what is happening. I am trying to remember to keep noticing things and checking what time it is. The alarm idea might be better for this.
I realise now that I have spent most of my life in a daze and am trying very hard to pull away from it and into the real world. This is a dangerous habit I have and I need to work out how to notice it might be about to happen and do something to ground myself.
I will keep practicing. It is good to know I am not alone with this. I have not told my T about the details, I call it zoning out but I haven’t told her how much I get lost or end up hurting myself. It seems such a crazy thing to admit. I am starting to realise that I minimise the effect this has on my life and potentially how damaging it could be.
Thank you again.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

. I have not told my T about the details, I call it zoning out but I haven’t told her how much I get lost or end up hurting myself.

I would. My therapist was an amazing source of help and ideas. From grounding practicing to ideas on how to keep myself safe (locking up knives, pad locking my front door at the top), to ideas for tasks for my service dog that will directly either stop disocciation or help during. It's an invaluable source of support and help and ideas there. We practice grounding together and do some harder to do things together. We also edit our suicide contract to reflect these things as well.