- Post starter
- #829
littleoc
VIP Member
(1)
I'm proud of myself. I managed to make a video and put it in an online classroom. One of my biggest fears :) and it worked out fine.
I think that it's likely that my self-image is getting better. I didn't cringe away when I saw my face. I kept a bird on my shoulder to help me feel calm which helped. However, I did have troubles not spacing out. But I did it.
Only thing I don't like, my teeth. Still hate them. I know they aren't actually bad and they're about to be great but still. But hey, it's realistic to not assume that I'll like 100% of me. I wouldn't grow as a person if I did.
(2)
I'm still upset about my mom insulting me. I tried texting her and then it got worse. First of all, she's ignoring me, and second of all, I realized that I wouldn't even be upset if when I cried (which is a very painful activity for me), she had just said, "Oh dang, sorry, didn't mean to make you sad. I'm just frustrated when you say things and don't explain," which would have opened up dialogue about things. But instead I got insulted and then got a silent treatment. She was and is angry that I got upset.
Which is ridiculous. I've actually talked to her both about going mute when I'm scared/under pressure, and about Brandi refusing to let me keep secrets, which makes it feel even more dangerous.
But when I try to talk, get scared, and go mute, my mom tells me that I shouldn't even bring things up. And I'm tired of being invalidated by her and at the SAME TIME being expected to take care of her, while listening to her ask me leading questions about if she's too worthless for me to let her do things.
And yet she keeps insisting that she's too old for therapy. Lady, you're not even sixty. I've been in university classes with 90-year-olds and group therapy with 80-year-olds, don't even talk to me about it. You're wrong. It's called distortion, look it up.
And no, I'm not going to be your therapist either. In fact, that you treated me like I should take care of my father and you set me up to end up with someone like Brandi, and to be pushed around by someone like my brother-in-law, and to end up afraid of ever saying the wrong thing. And that's messed up.
In fact, stop asking me too-personal medical questions and then get offended when I act uncomfortable. Your doctor sucks. You've been saying so for years. So get a new one and quit asking me disgusting questions while not even taking care of your diabetes and insisting that doctors only look at the untreated diabetes when it's "definitely" a different issue.
uuuuuuuuugh.
I still remember when I managed to report my dad and get him removed from our lives. After our mom didn't give us up, I was excited. I thought she was the good parent, that it would be exciting to get to know the woman who wasn't allowed to speak to me despite supposedly being my mother, but whose bed I'd try to sneak into when a storm came by (even the not-violent ones), despite the risk of my dad grabbing me by the shirt and dragging me down the stairs before I could stand on my legs.
But no. I miss Sp the cat, and Fz the cat, and Lp the cat, and more. Because they had clear boundaries and don't feel like strangers trying to get to know their roommate who cooks for them.
I witnessed Sp dying and she didn't even say a word to me. But then, my dad was there. I guess she couldn't. Just let my dad bury her (not alive though, she was already gone, but he did bury her so quickly afterward that I was scared that she would turn out to still be alive and suffocate. He had gotten a bit impatient I guess).
My dad wasn't a psychopath if cats were involved. I mean, he still wasn't very human and put himself first, but he liked cats way more than he liked humans.
Kay, that's out.
I'm proud of myself. I managed to make a video and put it in an online classroom. One of my biggest fears :) and it worked out fine.
I think that it's likely that my self-image is getting better. I didn't cringe away when I saw my face. I kept a bird on my shoulder to help me feel calm which helped. However, I did have troubles not spacing out. But I did it.
Only thing I don't like, my teeth. Still hate them. I know they aren't actually bad and they're about to be great but still. But hey, it's realistic to not assume that I'll like 100% of me. I wouldn't grow as a person if I did.
(2)
I'm still upset about my mom insulting me. I tried texting her and then it got worse. First of all, she's ignoring me, and second of all, I realized that I wouldn't even be upset if when I cried (which is a very painful activity for me), she had just said, "Oh dang, sorry, didn't mean to make you sad. I'm just frustrated when you say things and don't explain," which would have opened up dialogue about things. But instead I got insulted and then got a silent treatment. She was and is angry that I got upset.
Which is ridiculous. I've actually talked to her both about going mute when I'm scared/under pressure, and about Brandi refusing to let me keep secrets, which makes it feel even more dangerous.
But when I try to talk, get scared, and go mute, my mom tells me that I shouldn't even bring things up. And I'm tired of being invalidated by her and at the SAME TIME being expected to take care of her, while listening to her ask me leading questions about if she's too worthless for me to let her do things.
And yet she keeps insisting that she's too old for therapy. Lady, you're not even sixty. I've been in university classes with 90-year-olds and group therapy with 80-year-olds, don't even talk to me about it. You're wrong. It's called distortion, look it up.
And no, I'm not going to be your therapist either. In fact, that you treated me like I should take care of my father and you set me up to end up with someone like Brandi, and to be pushed around by someone like my brother-in-law, and to end up afraid of ever saying the wrong thing. And that's messed up.
In fact, stop asking me too-personal medical questions and then get offended when I act uncomfortable. Your doctor sucks. You've been saying so for years. So get a new one and quit asking me disgusting questions while not even taking care of your diabetes and insisting that doctors only look at the untreated diabetes when it's "definitely" a different issue.
uuuuuuuuugh.
I still remember when I managed to report my dad and get him removed from our lives. After our mom didn't give us up, I was excited. I thought she was the good parent, that it would be exciting to get to know the woman who wasn't allowed to speak to me despite supposedly being my mother, but whose bed I'd try to sneak into when a storm came by (even the not-violent ones), despite the risk of my dad grabbing me by the shirt and dragging me down the stairs before I could stand on my legs.
But no. I miss Sp the cat, and Fz the cat, and Lp the cat, and more. Because they had clear boundaries and don't feel like strangers trying to get to know their roommate who cooks for them.
I witnessed Sp dying and she didn't even say a word to me. But then, my dad was there. I guess she couldn't. Just let my dad bury her (not alive though, she was already gone, but he did bury her so quickly afterward that I was scared that she would turn out to still be alive and suffocate. He had gotten a bit impatient I guess).
My dad wasn't a psychopath if cats were involved. I mean, he still wasn't very human and put himself first, but he liked cats way more than he liked humans.
Kay, that's out.
