"stop being a coward"

[TTC18]

So I have a friend who is telling me to stop being such a coward. PTSD isn't such a big deal, and if I just face my fear I'd be fine. Get up on that bike, you know. I tend to doubt myself and my judgement anyway, so hearing that I'm just being dramatic and I need to stop being a weak baby, and just grow up and not let people push me around is messing with my head. (I have a long-term stalker, and I'm trying to find a way to be safe at this point, as the stalker now knows where I am once again) I just try to find ways to say that everyone deals with things in their own way, and I'm seeing a therapist, and will be working on this as best I can, etc but it's just ugh.
I manage to change the subject - but then next thing I know, whether it's a week later or a day later, it's back again. At this point, all I want to talk about is the weather, and I find myself avoiding wanting to talk to her - because she's only nice when I agree with her, and this isn't something I'll ever agree with her about.
I realize this is dysfunctional. She's getting older and has also been forgetting things a lot, etc so I think maybe there's other stuff going on. We've been friends a long time, and it's only in the last few years that the 'agree with me or you are stupid' dynamic has been an issue. I tend not to share things with her when I know she'll disagree - but then she's just so nice and sweet and supportive that I open my stupid big mouth to tell her something when i need support, and then just make things worse.

 

[somerandomguy]

That person is not your friend.

 

[Swift]

Argh.
You don't have an obligation to tell your friend anything....
One thing I've learnt over the years is people really, really, really don't understand PTSD.
Like... they think PTSD means "anxiety about a specific thing", and the cure for that is "do the specific thing and reduce your anxiety"....
It's not like that at all.
You don't owe anyone information or an explanation. Like. People prove to you whether they're capable of being constructive with that information or not.
I have a friend, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding actually... but she named her pet rabbit my abuser's name, and she's always on at me about something, so I just don't tell her shit anymore. Much better for both of us.

I'm sorry you've got a stalker. Is your PTSD related to that, or is it from other stuff or a combo? You don't have to answer.
Stalking sucks. I've got a bit of experience with it if you need any tips.

But.....
There's really not a lot braver than fighting a mental health condition. There's nothing cowardly about doing battle with your very thoughts and your very body for every second of survival.
Come to think of it, there's really not a lot braver than fighting for your own survival in your own battle that no one else sees. It's easy to fight to save others, that I can do, but fighting for myself and not giving up is hard.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Mach123]

It's a dominance thing. A put down. You're not sick, there is nothing wrong with you. I can't argue with anyone about it anymore. Naturally, I've gone over it in my own mind and I'm at peace with all of it pretty much but, you can't, sadly in most cases, expect much else from people. That situation you have to ask yourself 'what's this worth?' I'm sorry. I've been through it? You just can't expect everyone to understand, they won't.

 

[TTC18]

Thank you, everyone.
@Swift- it's a combo. Childhood abuse + marital abuse + years of stalking after escaping marital abuse. Currently being stalked.
I get that this isn't a nice behavior from my friend - but she's operating from a 'tough love' standpoint. She genuinely thinks she's being helpful. I just try to change the subject. I suck at breaking off friendships, being confrontational, telling people they're being hurtful/unsupportive/etc. I am not good at any of this, really. Someday I'll learn to 'people' but for now I just am trying to get by day-to-day.

 

[grit]

I cannot open YouTube at work but if you Google transactional analysis on YouTube, you will find an interesting video (there are about 2 or 3 of them all good but one of them is exactly like this friend issue).
Basically you two have had this dynamic where you were always the weird one, foggy one, and she was feeling great being around you. You were a great friend to download her crap and you carry it for her and she kept all her good parts. Now you are sort of peaking out of the fog and you are maybe asking her or sharing real stuff, and noooooooooooo she is not having it. She does not want to carry her crap or hear yours to help you out in carrying it. She is rebellious to your change. This is why you know when you are changing. All of sudden all the best friends are annoyed with you. All of sudden people whom you thought had great empathy are parasites.

this happens because you were carrying their garbage. Just think all the time in the past, you were there for her and think this is maybe the first time you are in crisis (or try to remember the last time you were in crisis). I bet you do not remember or she shut you down so fast and you crawled over to your fog feeling I should not burden my friend. Now you are trying to actually have an even conversation and she is not having it.

It is very hard to change this dynamic. She will not give up being better than you. and you will struggle to try to get out of the childzone to the parentzone trap she created for you.

Your best bet (in my opinion) is to minimize seeing her. This will set strong boundaries and will send the message you are no longer a pushover. and you are demanding equal adult relationship. You do not ask for advice and she has no chance of giving advice. When she says something inappropriate like putting you down, you do not say anything but look at her right in the eye showing you heard. She will see you are waking up from the fog and will come down to be equal or will leave your life. And unfortunately when we wake up from the fog, we lose some and gain others to walk with us equally in our journey of healing and living in peace.

good luck

Hope this makes sense or you can understand the trail of my thoughts.

 

[EveHarrington]

This isn’t tough love.

This is a jerk who runs over your boundaries.

Big difference.

 

[TTC18]

EveHarrington I know it's not good 'tough love' I just think she's not *trying* to be mean. I've known so many people who actually deliberately TRIED to hurt me, and got joy from hurting me, that I don't feel as much animosity toward unintentional running over boundaries. I do have friends who are always kind & supportive, and I do know that's optimal.

grit - she hates it when a. I show weakness, and b. I don't do what she advises. That's what it really boils down to -she sees this as weakness and thinks I shouldn't show weakness, and I should do what she advises. She very much puts me in the childzone position - doesn't talk to me as an equal, but she is elderly, so I kind of understand that. I'll Google transactional analysis.

I do know this is a dysfunctional relationship - but I'm not sure what to really do about it. Like I said - she is elderly, and is lonely, and I've really known people who were much much worse. She may be unkind when I need kindness - but it's not her wanting to hurt me, it's just her lacking certain social skills. I lack some social skills too. I do tend to distance myself after one of these episodes - and need to discipline myself not to share with her... but she's really good at asking questions. And I'm not very good at deflecting. Sigh.

 

[grit]

So she is good at asking probing questions so she can reprimand you? You said she is not trying to "hurt" but she wants you to be like her. OK. is she soothing you or her? This is a simple question. If she is soothing you, then I do not think you would write about her. If her soothing herself, trumps over your friendship especially when she is using your story against you, then she is manipulative.

You said in many other posts, you are nice and people take advantage or you were abused in your marriage, I am thinking your "abuse" radar is not well oiled my dear. I think unless it is overt abuse of criminal scale, you are like, I am anxious about her. I do not trust her fully. I feel bad about her. she is old. so many excuses but none says, I need my boundaries respected. You see having your boundaries respected DOES NOT TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM HER.

If you say, hi Gloria, I am no longer comfortable with our dynamic. I respect you as a friend. I love you as a friend. But I feel I am not respected for who I am around you. and I need to be respected. What do you think will happen? That is a reasonable request.

When a person refuses a reasonable request, they will not listen to anything else. You start to respect her consciously and watch. if she is not following you up, then you ask respectively. if she balks you, then you want (and have not learn yet) a lopsided relationship where your needs are always second or none.

When you stay relationships like this, you are not growing. You are defending. and they are exhausting. But be fair with her. You show up and let her come to you and hope that works. Feeling sorry for her is you feeling sorry for yourself but you are projecting onto her for easy digesting of the reality of the situation.

hope this was not too harsh of post but I honestly think you are posting here to see the underlying issues. We all have our blind spots.

 

[Tinyflame]

It might be pain interfering with her thoughts, or simply her belief structure/ understanding/ lack of understanding.

I can only say if it makes you feel more alone, to see she cannot at this time at least grasp it or communicate in a way wherein you feel understood or supported.

I think what @Swift said about the bunny example is huge. I was thinking this, there is a commercial on tv for food with an old song that is horrible for me overlaid on it; I think-how stupid, were I 'in public' it would bother me horribly (well it does, but I mean I'd have to hide it, and it would set off all kind of thoughts and bodily reactions- what could I say?) , but then I thought wouldn't it be amazing if I could just say that, that that song is a real horrible trigger for me, and isn't that stupid? And imagine if someone could 'get' that, and then it would wash away in a bit because I'm sure I could take a breath and say something true (serious)- maybe, and make a joke. And likely that song would never be viewed quite the same to me, if they 'got' it and showed they did. But that's kind of a ~fantasy. :(

 

[TTC18]

grit - she's not soothing me at all. It does seem like it would soothe her if I would do what she wanted. It really agitates her when I disagree with her. Yes, my abuse radar is pretty out of whack. Back when I used to date, I would wait to break up with someone until they had done something crazy enough that I felt like it was acceptable to break up with them. Stalking me, or threatening me, or cheating on me, etc. Just not wanting to be with them anymore wasn't enough. I'm not ready to try to have any kind of 'this makes me uncomfortable' type conversation. I can BARELY tell my therapist that I feel like I need more direction than she's giving me without having a breakdown.. .and I'm *paying* my therapist to listen to me/deal with my issues. I think the best I can do at this point is just stop bringing real issues to her, stop talking about my decisions, and keep things light and distant.

Junebug - I know what you mean. I was talking to a Domestic violence advocate recently, and she was very matter-of-fact. like - of course you're feeling this way. This is normal. Let's keep you safe. ---- and it was such a relief. I still am just as freaked out - but less freaked out about being freaked out. If that makes any sense.

 

[grit]

Holla Tryingtocope18,
I almost started to sound like your friend. I am sorry. You have control over this situation. Take care.