Relationship Losing it.

[mamachick]

It sounds like the only predictability is his unpredictability. His behavior is disrespectful and getting mad at you and not talking to you when you call him out on him is very selfish and manipulative. You deserve better!

 

[Cleo1521]

It sounds like the only predictability is his unpredictability. His behavior is disrespectful and getting...

That is the only predictable thing at this point.

If it's a learning experience, you could split the cost in advance in the future, if that's acceptable t...

I’ll say just that, but I already know he’s gone again at this point.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don’t think it’s happening anymore.

Sorry, I missed adding the quote. What makes you think this? ^^ Past behaviour is a good predictor of present behaviour. But if you never give someone a chance to do better, they can't. A more effective question might be, what gets in the way of being able to keep your plans? And honestly listening to the answer. There may be none if he doesn't know. But one thing's for certain, it is not your fault if he doesn't. Your boundary becomes, what will be my limits then?

 

[Cleo1521]

Sorry, I missed adding the quote. What makes you think this? ^^ Past behaviour is a good predictor of pr...

He never really gives me clear reasons. He makes plans to see me and then just disappears until it’s too late. He’s been doing this for over a month now. It’s hard to not think it’s about me. Eventually I make my own assumptions that he has something better to do. He’s ignoring me today. He’s been on social media. (I hate even sounding like that girl) but it’s the truth.

 

[Tinyflame]

There may be not enough interest, but that may very much not be the reason.

One thing I believe is this, but it's only JMHO: it's up to each person to be honest. But the climate or environment the other person makes will influence it, too. I don't mean it's your fault, but it takes a lot of circumstances and really up to both people to decide what they will accept, and also how much the relationship is about getting what they individually want, vs considering what the other person also wants or needs.

But then, there are relationships filled with much love and less insecurity. If your relationships follow a pattern, you have the wisdom to look in to yourself to understand why. If not, maybe he cannot give you what you are looking for. Perhaps it would help to weigh this in context of the behaviour throughout the whole relationship, and the possible impact the last month has had.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Cleo1521]

I’ve known him my entire life and there’s been nothing but love between us. Life had other plans for him and things changed...he changed when shit hit the fan. Rightfully so. I’m just in limbo.

 

[Hojay]

It’s easy for strangers to come on here and suggest you make decisions that could potentially end your relationship. That said, rather than focusing on him and what he’s doing and why, I suggest a small but powerful shift in your attention to yourself and how you want to feel. We talk about needs a lot, and whether or not they’re being met, but that’s something we can delude ourselves into thinking is going alright. Focusing on how you feel and how you’d prefer to feel is sometimes a better catalyst to making hard choices and starting hard conversations (not matter the reaction on the other end.)

It’s not ok for someone, anyone, to punish you by disappearing. One thing is isolating, which should have something of a protocol in place that works for both people. Another is disappearing, which is inherently incompatible with relationships. It doesn’t seem like you’re the problem here.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've known him my entire life and there’s been nothing but love between us

Surely this must mean a lot then @Cleo1521 . ^^

 

[Cleo1521]

It’s easy for strangers to come on here and suggest you make decisions that could potentially end your...

I needed this so much. Thank you. I guess I’ve kind of pushed my own feelings aside in fear of losing him

 

[Hojay]

I guess I’ve kind of pushed my own feelings aside in fear of losing him

I know what that can feel like sometimes. And the hopes and disappointments and the numbing, compromising, and fretting. It’s a process, a slow one, to be able to see and accept the situation as it is. It really can take years until someone has fully unfolded and we can separate PTSD from their character. And for that we need to feel like we’ve exhausted all possibilities and tried all avenues for making it work. All we can promise ourselves is to not give up on ourselves and our happiness, to not resign out of fear, and to get very clear on what we will and won’t compromise on. How much are we able to concede and what is the pay off we need for that. We’re not supporter robots who should be happy we’re being asked about our day once in a while. They’re not our children or our ageing parents. They’re equals and they should be treated as such. None of this is simple or easy, I know.

 

[Cleo1521]

I know what that can feel like sometimes. And the hopes and disappointments and the numbing, compromising...

These are the words I have a hard time finding. I tread on the line of detaching myself from him and holding on. What kind of person would I be if I left someone during the worst point in their life? This is drowning me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Since your boundaries have no consequences for when they are crossed, you essentially have no boundaries. I urge you to set boundaries and enforce the consequences. I think you’ll see some changes.