Hesitant

[EveHarrington]

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this one.

I’m in a new relationship of sorts. I met him last December, in partial hospitalization of all places, and we’ve been friends ever since.

I kinda/sorta knew he liked me way back in PHP but the timing wasn’t right. We were both getting over bad relationships, me with off the wall/over the top emotions, and him with a complete sense of numbness.

Every time we got together to hang out I left wondering “was that a date?”...the signals seemed mixed. LOL.

Fast forward to about a month ago. He was there for me though the severe ups and downs that lead to my hospitalization, and visited me in the hospital almost every day. His doctor switched his meds and that’s when he started to actually feel feelings again...he said it was then that he realized how much he liked me.

Everyone around us already knew about his (hidden) feelings for me, way before he “realized” them.

I wondered at one point if it was a good idea to be dating someone I met in partial hospitalization, but then I realized it was much healthier than most of my ex’s who had a myriad of problems and refused to work on themselves or get help. We are both actively working on getting better while supporting one another.

This is one of the healthiest relationships I’ve been in, and yet I’m hesitant.

A big part of me is scared. My last relationship wasn’t healthy and yet I fell head over heels in a short amount of time, ultimately getting burned in the end. This relationship doesn’t have the crazy/crazy/crazy infatuation that I’m used to, it’s more of a slow-burn. Everyone can see how happy I am. It’s evident in my perpetual smile, that he says lights up the room.

Maybe I’m once-bitten-twice-shy... The last relationship recovery was a doozy! I can’t go through that again.

He accepts me as I am, and can see the person beyond the disorder. He doesn’t want to fix me, but does want me to get better.

The relationship is moving at my pace, and that’s ok with him. We were moving a bit too fast and we both realized that we needed to slow down. He knows I’m over-stressed and stabilizing right now, so it’s best to not rush anything.

I’m just so scared.

He makes me make decisions! The important ones anyway. I’m so used to just following a guy’s lead because it was easy and comfortable. Nope, not this time. He wants me to be independent and not just be along for the ride. Decisions? Huh. Of course my system is freaking out. I have a hard time picking a meal off a menu! Let’s just say if you looked up indecisive in the dictionary, you’d see my picture. Much of the time when he asks me a question I have no idea what to say....but I am getting better. I’m like a fish out of water on this one!

And the hardest part of all...I can’t just use my sexuality to get him to like me. With other guys it was so easy. Just throw sex their way and boom they like me. This time, not so much. He’s always asking me if I’m “here”. Yes, he can read me better than anyone else I’ve ever met. Hiding used to be my forte, but not anymore. He can oftentimes see my mood shifts before I can. If I’m not “here”, if I’m zoned out, he’s not interested. He wants me to be fully present. Whaaaaa?!?!? What do you mean I have to be fully present with you? In the past with other guys I could just zone out and that was that. Yes, we have been intimate, but that’s on the back burner for awhile. He didn’t enjoy it because I wasn’t present. (And neither did I because I couldn’t feel, but that’s nothing new to me.) We have set up a number of boundaries regarding sex so as things stand, sex is off the table for awhile. Even so, when we are together he stops when I start to zone out.

But why am I so hesitant, why am I so scared? Is it because I’m so used to dysfunctional relationships while this one is challenging me in healthier ways? Why is it that when something good comes my way I just want to run again?

Thanks for reading.

 

[bellbird]

It makes total sense to me that you would be hesitant.

Is it because I’m so used to dysfunctional relationships while this one is challenging me in healthier ways?

This is most likely going to cause some difficult emotions in the beginning, but I feel once those have been overcome, it's setting the relationship up long term for a better success.

Why is it that when something good comes my way I just want to run again?

Because you don't want to go through the hurt again like your last breakup.
Because even though things are going well so far, maybe a part of your brain is remembering in past relationships the beginning was also seemingly good/?healthy (guessing this part).
Or because if you're like me you'll think that there's got to be something wrong with this; good relationships only ever happen for other people.

From reading the post, it seems like you've got good things in place to try and maintain the healthiness of the relationship.
Just try not to let your desire to 'run' sabotage the relationship. Try and acknowledge the feeling for what it is and what it's trying to protect you from, but otherwise try to enjoy the relationship day by day :)

 

[Freida]

But why am I so hesitant, why am I so scared? Is it because I’m so used to dysfunctional relationships while this one is challenging me in healthier ways?

That would be my guess! :hug: I think anytime we find a relationship that is "good" it kind of throws us into panic mode. Crappy? we can handle. Good? NOOOOOOOOO scary!!!! I have no words of wisdom, but I think it's pretty normal

 

[ILoveLife]

If I were in your shoes, I really wouldnt know what to do in a healthy relationship lol seriously, I'm happy for you and terrified it's going to happen to me too eventually.
That's why, I think, you let others take the lead. It's much easier than setting boundaries, learn respect - self and given -, etc. All those things are way scary in the beginning when we're learning them.

More than hesitant I think its plain fear of two things: failing it and actually managing to succeed in it.

Does this make sense?

 

[Justmehere]

I wonder if there isn’t intensity in relationship... but calm and safety... that might mean you have to focus on you, rather than the problems in the other person or the relationship. Thus, hesitancy and resistance.

 

[Mach123]

I can't add much from this side. I don't know much about healthy or unhealthy but I know what I like? My wife is not a talker. She doesn't talk or write. Mostly I don't even know if she thinks about it. She just does it. I know the things she thinks about. I think I have a healthy relationship? Look who you're asking though! I'd let you ask my wife. The therapist says we have a 'relationship' in spite of everything. IDK what that means. My advice always is "Any love is good love." I'll edit that a little and say "Any love is good as long as no one's going to get hurt. That's because I know what it's like to go without and I didn't like that. I would at times have taken very unhealthy and potentially harmful love if I could have. That was dangerous.

 

[EveHarrington]

I wonder if there isn’t intensity in relationship... but calm and safety... that might mean you ha...

Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head.

I’m so used to the whirlwind intensity that I’m confused without it.

Don’t get me wrong, there is intensity, just not the crazy/crazy/crazy stuff I’m used to. This is much calmer than anything I’ve had before. A big part of me says this will never work...but I haven’t figured out where that voice is coming from. I fall for him a little bit more every day. He is supportive without getting caught up in my craziness. He doesn’t take it on as his own, or as a project to fix.

I’m just so confused.

I’m trying to take things day by day.