Going on a date for the first time in years...

[Smile]

Hi all,

I’m going on a date for the for the first time in about 5-6 YEARS.

I have no idea how to handle what to say and/or what not to say about the whole PTSD/anxiety/insomnia stuff. Side note: I’m not “better” at all. Still extremely in the thick of all this crap but my clock is ticking and I really really really want to get married, have a family of my own.

I KNOW it’s not appropriate to tell all on a first date but I’m going out with the goal of marriage, not just a fling so I feel it only fair that he knows what he’s getting himself into... if I even like the guy .

More importantly, and on a more practical note, everyone asks the question, “so what do you do?”. I’m on disability and don’t work. Haven’t had a proper job in 4 years, just some part time things.

When I meet people on the street who I just know from around ask me that I tell them that I do computer graphics work online so I can live anywhere, don’t need to be tied down etc. Which also helps to explain how I was able to move to a different state a few months ago. But this is a total lie. I mean, I have done computer graphics work before but not in a very long time.

Do I just go with the graphics story for the first date? I hate lying ...

Any and all advice would be EXTREMELY appreciated. I’m so very nervous about this although I’m trying not to be.

Thanks so much and hope you’re doing well...

 

[somerandomguy]

Well ... Back when I dated, I really appreciated honesty, but maybe not too much honesty. "I'm on disability and am not working right now, but I used to do graphic design and still do it when I can" would have been a great answer for a first date. "I can't work because I have PTSD and here's why I have PTSD" maybe not so much.

The first date is really a "do I even like this person?" date. It's best to be honest but not TOO honest, if you get my drift.

 

[Chiqui]

Hi!!
Congratulations for your step. Remembering my very first dates after more a decade without one, I could suggest to you do not tell too much, I agree with @somerandomguy and on top of everything, value your step and think on more dating chances, untill dating becomes something normal for you.

First date after so long with marriage on mind would be too much selfpressure for me.
I was veeery anxious at the beginning of dating again. Keeping dating It worked for me. After two years, I met my actual partner and we have been together more than 8 years now. I tell you also he has ptsd and it has made It easier for both.
Best luck for you!!

 

[Smile]

Well ... Back when I dated, I really appreciated honesty, but maybe not too much honesty. "I'm on disability and am not working right now, but I used to do graphic design and still do it when I can" would have been a great answer for a first date. "I can't work because I have PTSD and here's why I have PTSD" maybe not so much.

The first date is really a "do I even like this person?" date. It's best to be honest but not TOO honest, if you get my drift.

Thank you so much! It’s amazing how a slight tweak in wording can make such a difference!

In fact, I like it so much it would use that verbatim except I can’t see myself saying “I’m on disability “ to someone I don’t know. Being on disability is one of my biggest secrets at the moment ?

I also appreciate hearing it from a guys perspective so... thanks for being a guy and replying ?

 

[Smile]

value your step and think on more dating chances

What does this mean please?

 

[Smile]

Hi!!
Congratulations for your step. Remembering my very first dates after more a decade without one, I could suggest to you do not tell too much, I agree with @somerandomguy and on top of everything, value your step and think on more dating chances, untill dating becomes something normal for you.

First date after so long with marriage on mind would be too much selfpressure for me.
I was veeery anxious at the beginning of dating again. Keeping dating It worked for me. After two years, I met my actual partner and we have been together more than 8 years now. I tell you also he has ptsd and it has made It easier for both.
Best luck for you!!

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I’m so happy YOU have found someone who makes you happy ?.

Just on a side note: do you think when both people in the couple have ptsd, that makes it harder because then there’s double trouble? Easier because you understand each other?

I agree with you about the more dates I go on, the easier it’ll get. I’m working on it ?

 

[somerandomguy]

I can’t see myself saying “I’m on disability “ to someone I don’t know.

I think that's totally reasonable! Lots of people don't work, but if you mention the graphic design that opens up that avenue of conversation. I would gloss over the "not working" thing and ask you questions about graphic design if I was on a first date with you ?

And if your date gets all up in your grill about not working, maybe he's not the guy for you ?

 

[EveHarrington]

I wouldn’t mention marriage on the first date. Heck, I wouldn’t even mention it on the first few dates. Yes, that’s your ultimate goal, but throwing the marriage thing out there too soon can really apply much unnecessary pressure. The goal should be finding the right partner and then marriage will follow. When the marriage thing is brought up too soon, it seems like someone just wants to find a marriage partner for the sake of being married, not necessarily for the sake of being married to the right person.

Just be careful.... I know you want to get married, but remember your spoons. It’s a lot harder to do the relationship thing when highly symptomatic. You’ll be taking energy away from healing and returning to work.... What I’m saying is that jumping into a relationship may actually hinder your overall progress toward having a family, not help it.

 

[Chiqui]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I’m so happy YOU have found someone who makes you happy ?.

You are welcome. Thank you! (But sometimes he annoys me. And I do him too ;))

Just on a side note: do you think when both people in the couple have ptsd, that makes it harder because then there’s double trouble? Easier because you understand each other?

Second one, definitly. I feel more balanced within our ptsd unbalance, if you know what I mean.

I agree with you about the more dates I go on, the easier it’ll get. I’m working on it ?

Yeah, don't rush I agree with @EveHarrington here, the all process takes a lot of energy and spoons, so my suggestion is take It easy. Small steps. Baby steps.

(Sorry, some of my replies are within your text. Still findind my way around on the site)

 

[grit]

I hope it works out for you and I truly mean that. But I think one of the major issue I see in your post is it is all about you and of course it is cause you have not met the guy yet but it may help you to talk about this or think out loud why would a man go out with you, marry you and have a child with you today? This will sort of help you to consider others stands, feelings and perceptions in relation to where you are today.

Regardless, I got you want to have children but before children, one needs food and shelter for self and you are struggling with that.

I know you know that and I know you consider about that but I hope truly you find peace, safety, healing and love in whichever order that happened to be yours.