How to deal with dysregulation in a relationship?

[Deleted member 47099]

I'm only just starting to think about this topic, so I apologise if my thinking starts out hazy and only gets more clear as I go...

Of the relationships I've been in, the last 2 have been with fellow sufferers.

The first, with L, lasted 15 years, who was "partly" diagnosed and who "partly" got treatmet.
We are still really good friends.
He shared my entired trauma therapy/ recovery journey with me.

The most recent, with C, lasted 2 years, with a bizarre 2 year break-up period that followed.
We were best friends for a year before the relationship.
C was totally undiagnosed, in total denial, refused any therapy/ treatment and was dysregulating all over the shop.

During childhood trauma, I would witness parents/ family members dysregulate, sometimes in "harmless" ways, sometimes in scary ways.

Even as a small child, I would watch the "harmless" dysregulation going on, and I would sit there calmly and just think "Wow, they are f*cking nuts"
It made me lose a LOT of respect for all of the adults in my family.
I basically thought they were nut cases.
I did my best to ignore all of them and just tried to be good at school and tried to parent myself as best I could with the aim of moving out at 18 and never having anymore to do with any of them.

Often enough, the dysregulation would get extreme enough to actually get scary tho.
As a child, that made me lose all trust in the adults in my family.
When they got like that, I thought they were truly insane and dangerous.
They seemed like monsters.

I think these experiences have influenced how I deal with partners dysregulating.

With harmless dysregulation, I usually stay calm for ages and just think "whatever".
It does make me lose respect for my (ex-)partner tho.

With the scarier level of dysregulation, I basically just leave.
I will not have myself or my inner kid exposed/ subjected to that kind of thing.
So I just LEAVE.
This kind of dysregulation makes me lose trust in my (ex-)partner.
It makes me question who they are.
It makes them seem like monsters too.

I would like to have a better understanding of dysregulation and a more rational approach to it.

I certainly end up taking shitty, hurtful stuff that gets yelled during dysregulation personally.
In a corner of my mind, I chalk it up.
Not resentfully, but in a "Well, it was said" kind of way.

With L, who had a lot more insight and self-awareness into his situation, he would apologise for his behaviour and for what he'd said, once he was regulated again.

Given that he didn't get violent when he dysregulated, that ^^ was an okay approach for me.
I know people don't dysregulate "on purpose" and as long as there's a limit to how bad it gets, I'm kinda okay with it if:
a) I have fair warning that this kind of stuff happens
b) there is a fair, calm discussion of the dysregulation, once it's over
c) there are apologies for any really shitty/ hurtful dysregulation-behaviour

With C, none of that ^^ happened.
He was in toooootal denial about his dysregulation.
He would try and push down all negative emotions, trying insanely hard to keep everything together (in a way that blatantly *could not* work) and then when he dysregulated, it was all the more intense and totally all over the shop.
Because he was so in denial about it happening and because he fought so hard to prevent it from ever happening, it had a weird Jekyll and Hyde effect.
When regulated, he'd be as sweet as pie and totally caring (I'm exaggerating, but you get the point) and when dysregulated he'd be this bizarre asshole who said shitty stuff and treated me like dirt.

And after the dysregulation, when I'd ask him "Well, that was strange, what was going on?" he'd rip into full force denial and yell about it saying "It was nothing" and saying I was an awful person for "even mentioning" it.
There were no explanations, no apologies, nothing.
Just bizarre guilt-tripping, shaming, silence, and basically more dysregulation on top of the previous dysregulation.

It's this pattern of extreme dysregulation (to the point of me not "recognising" him as C anymore) and total denial about what was going on that killed the relationship. And as we were breaking up, the pattern just continued and got more extreme.
The breakup had him dysregulating worse than ever and at no point in the following 2 years was there ever a hint of "Oops, sorry, I dysregulated. Obviously I didn't mean all of what I yelled"

I think if I were a therapist or pdoc, I would probably have been taught really good skills for a) recognising dysregulation and b) for de-escalating dysregulation.

As a partner, I don't think that ^^ is *quite* my job. I would like to be more the partner, and not the surrogate therapist/ pdoc :meh:

But, I would also like to have better skills for recognising dysregulation and for de-escalating it and also, for not taking it personally when a dysregulated person yells a maelstrom of shitty hurtful stuff at me.

I think that by reacting to the dysregulation *as a partner* (ie by having my feelings hurt by having lots of hurtful stuff yelled at me) I was actually contributing to an escalation of the dysregulation.
Had I just been a neutral observer, I could've more easily walked away and given the person space to become re-regulated.

But in a relationship, I feel like I almost would've had to "kill" the part of me that wanted to be loved by my partner and that wanted to not have hurtful stuff yelled at her. It feels like I would've had to be a not-partner to be able to deal with the dysregulation well, if that makes sense?

In a therapist or pdoc role, I would find this really easy.

I have rescue animals at home and a few of them are traumatised and show dysregulation behaviour, when they are panicked.
I've been bitten quite often, in the middle of a dysregulation episode, but I've never, ever taken it personally or been freaked out.
I'm aware of what's going on and with the traumatised and dysregulating animals, I know "what to do".

But ^^ that's not a partnership.
I'm in a caretaker role, helping the animal.
That makes it really easy for me to stay calm, to react well, to do what is best practise for de-escalating dysregulation.

In a partnership, I'm definitely not good at this.
Beyond a certain point, I do take things personally.

With C, the situation of him dysregulating wildly combined with being in hyper-denial and refusing to even talk about 0.1% of any of it, was utterly untenable.
It was a deeply crazy situation and I got out for my own mental health and wellbeing.
It's a shame, because he was a really lovely person, but that pattern of behaviour was just toxic, with the amount of denial going on.
He claimed that if I "loved him enough" I would a) put up with it and b) that would heal him.
I thought the whole thing was bizarre, toxic co-dependency and there was no way in the world I would subject myself to that over an extended period of time.

With L, who was good about being self-aware and who did have calm talks post-dysregulation, who did apologise for any crappy excesses in behaviour and who did look for ways to diminish/ lessen/ prevent/ improve future dysregulation situations, things felt workable.
It was not ideal, but we were both making an effort and things were fair and grown-up and we each "owned" our stuff and did our best.

The relationship did end up fizzling out after 15 years, because although he was doing some therapy, he wasn't really fully committed to it.
So he'd just keep dysregulating all the time and while the apologies and discussions afterwards were sincere and while he did make efforts to curb it, it just was kinda too little too late.

At some point, my heart just wasn't in it anymore.
It was just too much negative dysregulation with hurtful stuff being said everytime a stressful situation would arise for him.

On an inner kid level, I just shut down and withdrew from the relationship.
Even if someone is a nice person and is doing their best, and even if I know they "don't mean it", 15 years of being dysregualted at just took its toll.
I was just over it and wanted to live in a mutually respectful space and not have hurtful crappy behaviour going on, every time life would present a stressor of any kind.

We're really, really good friends now and in the 5 years that we've been friends instead of partners, he's made a lot more progress on working on himself.
I think the end of our relationship was a wake-up call for him and he's put a lot of effort into making the friendship be better than the relationship was.
He still dysregulates relatively often tho and I still find myself reacting to it emotionally and I wish I didn't.

I need to work on this whole dysregulation thing.
I need to look at how it affected me as a child, when the adults in my family would dysregulate massively.
In my child's mind, they would turn into monsters.
In my child's mind, there was a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on.

And I think I've carried some of that childhood thinking about dysregulation on, into my adult life.

I want to work on this, so that other people dysregulating doesn't have so much of an effect on me.

I have a colleague at work, that does this too.
She's a lovely person, but wow she has some weird and massively uncool lapses where she gets really irrational/ shitty/ scathing/ blamey.
I'm always surprised at how quickly she re-regulates.
She's one of those ppl that "spews it out" and then feels better relatively quickly.
While she doesn't address her behaviour or speak about it, she does kinda do "apologies via gestures" stuff.
She'll do something nice or bring in a small present or bring in some yummy food or do something helpful, etc, to "vaguely" say sorry for being a beeatch.
It's not ideal, but hey... what's ever ideal... :rolleyes:

I would like to have a more conscious/ rational internal response to her dysregulation tho.
She sometimes yells at us colleagues and slams doors, even in front of clients, which is not very professional.
When it happens, I kinda just deal with it as well as I can.
If it's in front of clients, I'll do a good-natured, compassionate joke about how stressful life is and about "yikes" we all have days like that... or something...
Just anything to get the clients to be like "Yeah, shit happens, we all dysregulate a bit sometimes, never mind, let's get back to the task at hand"

So I'd like a *generally* improved approach for myself to deal with "anyone" dysregulating.
I would like to see it more factually for "what it is".
I'd like to have more of a therapist/ pdoc's understanding of dysregulation.
So that I'm not staying outwardly calm and inwardly thinking "F*ck f*ck f*ck stay calm, Sophy, this will pass" but not being *inwardly* calm.

Anyway... that was a long ramble! Sorry!

I appreciate anyone's insights into this... Especially from the point of view of "how to deal with a partner who is dysregulating" but also from ppl explainging their own dysregulation and what is going on inside them and what helps them/ what is unhelpful.

Thanks :)

 

[Friday]

Before I write a novel & a half ;) ...

I’m curious about your use of the word dysregulate, here.

Is it just dysreg and you’re totally fine with normal expressions anger, venting, crankiness for various reasons (tired, hungry, sad, etc.), disagreement, debate, argument, etc. the whole normal human range of emotion & behavior... ditto can you differentiate between say, someone being bitchy (behavior), someone who IS a bitch (personality), and someone who is dysregulating?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Is it just dysreg and you’re totally fine with normal expressions anger, venting, crankiness for various reasons (tired, hungry, sad, etc.), disagreement, debate, argument, etc. the whole normal human range of emotion & behavior... ditto can you differentiate between say, someone being bitchy (behavior), someone who IS a bitch (personality), and someone who is dysregulating?

This is a great question :)
And given that I was mulling those same divides ^^ while I was writing, I think that yeah, I'm aware of them and do at least try to differentiate between them correctly.
Dunno if I always get it 100% right in the "heat of the moment"...?

With these 2 ex's and the co-worker, I would say it's *not* personality based. I'm a pretty good judge of character, so am careful who I share my life with. And if it does turn out someone's just plain a bitch, I'd cut them out of my life pretty damned smart.

Also, I don't think it's "just" behaviour (getting angry, behaving bitchy). While like many people, I'm not *fantastic* at dealing with ppl being angry at me, I think I'm pretty okay at it.

What upsets me about dysregulation is the unrelentingness of it. That Jekyll and Hyde thing I described in my first post. Someone who is generally pretty nice and able to behave normally and then "gets in a zone" where it's just a constant stream of a certain behaviour eg anger/ bitchiness, that goes on for hours and hours and hours regardless of "what happens" and "what anyone does" and "what anyone says". It doesn't feel like a normal behaviour, that can still be affected by anything around them and it also doesn't feel like they are "in control" of their feelings and behaviour at all. It really feels like they are on a kind of "auto-pilot".

I'm pretty sure, that it's dysregulation.

I'm also pretty sure that it is, because I get it too, sometimes. I've dysregulated in a bitchy way too, where everything's felt like too much to cope and like my head will explode and I know I'm behaving inappropriately, but I can't do much about it. I'm aware of it tho, and will definitely apologise later, because a) I hurt someone's feelings and b) I find it super embarrassing to have acted that way.

Usually, I don't dysregulate in a loud/ outward way tho. Most of the time, I'll just inwardly go into a state of turmoil and darkness and isolate myself and do things that are detrimental to myself. For those things, I don't need to go and apologise to anyone else, but I can also feel myself being pretty much "out of control" of how I feel and act. It feels like a kind of auto-pilot, in times where I'm utterly overwhelmed.

Hope that ^^ kind of answers your question?? :)

And wow, now I'm sooo eagerly awaiting your novel, or half a novel, or the chapter of a novel :D

Thanks for your thoughts :hug:

Also just wanted to add: I have other relationships (friendships, co-workers, etc) where dysregulation doesn't play a role. In these relationships, expressions of anger, frustration, being upset, and the whole spectrum of human emotion, are fine.

In fact, I think that a *healthy* expression of emotion and a *healthy* way of dealing with emotion PREVENTS dysregulation. So I actually welcome this kind of healthy expression of negative emotions.

I think the inability to do this ^^ is actually something that leads to/ contributes to dysregulation. Because difficult emotions aren't being processed normally/ healthily, it's like they get bottled up and then eventually release "all at once" in a way that is totally disproportionate to the thing that set it off, and also can't be regulated anymore by the person themselves or by attempts by others to appease/ calm/ soothe them. It's like they are beyond their reach and the reach of others.

So those relationships, where it's clear that mutual expressions of healthy difficult/ negative emotions is welcomed and safe actually feel best to me, because I know this is good "prevention" of dysregulation, if that makes sense?

I actually "distrust" people who are "too" nice and "too" cheery all the time... It's like the "Jekyll role" is setting them up for the flip-side, the "Hyde role".

 

[EveHarrington]

In my current relationship my partner is learning to completely disengage from me. (My therapist says this is the best thing he can do...which makes sense as it’s not his job to re-regulate me, for a number of reasons, the most important one being that he can’t).

I tend to fall apart over text....well, for the obvious reasons. When agitation starts, all texting stops.

If I’m disregulated then you can say all the right things but I’ll take them the wrong way. This is why it’s imperative that communication stops and I am given time to settle down.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

In my current relationship my partner is learning to completely disengage from me. (My therapist says this is the best thing he can do...which makes sense as it’s not his job to re-regulate me, for a number of reasons, the most important one being that he can’t).

If I’m disregulated then you can say all the right things but I’ll take them the wrong way. This is why it’s imperative that communication stops and I am given time to settle down.

Yeah.

I guess this is definitely an option, if a) everyone is on board and knows what is happening and why and b) the dysregulation behaviour is not harmful to self or others.

Can I ask how you feel when your partner stops interacting when you dysregulate? Are you relieved that there is space and silence?

Or is there potential for you to "take that the wrong way too" and to assume "Wow, he's abandoning me right in the middle of my dysregulation, what a selfish xxxx" ?

Thanks for your thoughts! :)

 

[Hojay]

Very much following this thread. Dysregulation has been one of the major, most harmful aspects in my relationship with my sufferer. It’s a very steep learning curve as to how to react appropriately, how not to add fuel to the fire, and how to maintain boundaries. Complete disengagement seems to be the best option, though it’s by no means a flawless approach. When “in a state,” my guy doesn’t see me disengaging as a deescalating act, but rather as a power game of sorts. That shouldn’t matter to me in the moment, but it makes it doubly hard to disengage.

I can only echo your thoughts about the importance of self-reflection and apologies after dysregulation. That’s hit and miss with my guy too: though he does apologize and acknowledge in some instances, he justifies and excuses quite often too, any challenge of which is likely to ignite more dysregulation. That whole dynamic is a real mind bender to me (accepting PTSD symptoms and its expressions vs. drawing a line and expecting more.) So, yes, following.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Dysregulation has been one of the major, most harmful aspects in my relationship with my sufferer. It’s a very steep learning curve as to how to react appropriately, how not to add fuel to the fire, and how to maintain boundaries. Complete disengagement seems to be the best option, though it’s by no means a flawless approach.
That whole dynamic is a real mind bender to me (accepting PTSD symptoms and its expressions vs. drawing a line and expecting more.) So, yes, following.

Thank you for your reply! :hug:

I guess what I struggle with re complete disengagement is that, yes, I can do it, but internally the price for that seems to be that I also totally disengage emotionally, so that the person no longer "feels" like my partner. Also, I seem to lose respect for them. It's like I have to numb my own emotions and my sense of attachment to my partner, to achieve the "complete disengagement".

How do you feel internally, when you are disengaging? Are you able to find a better approach than mine ^^ ?

I would kind of like to get to a place where I can see the dysregulation of PTSD similar to an asthma attack of someone who has asthma or the blood sugar crash of someone who has diabetes.

If my partner had asthma or diabetes, I wouldn't think they were a "shitty person" when they have an athma attack/ blood sugar crash and I wouldn't take those incidents personally and they also wouldn't make me question the relationship/ the connection/ the trust/ etc.

I've been reading up a bit on dysregulation, self-regulation and inter-personal regulation. I started with the Wikipedia links and found them surprisingly helpful as a starting point.

Emotional dysregulation - Wikipedia
Emotional self-regulation - Wikipedia
Interpersonal emotion regulation - Wikipedia
Regulation of emotion - Wikipedia

If I find more good links/ resources, I will share them and would be super grateful if others share helpful links re dysregulation too! :inlove:

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah.

I guess this is definitely an option, if a) everyone is on board and knows what is happening and why and b) the dysregulation behaviour is not harmful to self or others.

Can I ask how you feel when your partner stops interacting when you dysregulate? Are you relieved that there is space and silence?

Or is there potential for you to "take that the wrong way too" and to assume "Wow, he's abandoning me right in the middle of my dysregulation, what a selfish xxxx" ?

I think with PTSD, pretty much all disregulation is harmful in one way or another, even if ever so slightly.

I push like CRAZY! He knows it’s not “me” in that it’s not what I want when I’m of sane/reasonable/rational/calm/non-triggered mind. He knows I don’t feel safe and that’s why I do it.

When he stops interacting I DO feel abandoned. I try to keep him interacting with me. I am NOT relieved in the least that there is space and silence because in that moment, that’s not what I want.

But, he picked up on disengaging being the best option pretty quickly. He says he doesn’t take it personally but I know I must work on changing as this push behavior is destructive.

 

[grit]

Hi Sophy,

My reaction to your post is that having dysregulation and being mature enough to be in relationship are not compatible. For short term, I can see a person losing it and calling all the names in a book but after many years, that just wears a person's soul down and the person may not remember what is real and what is dysregulation.

I think a person (and this is my humble opinion) who can control this side of them (if not completely heal with an intense therapy), at work can also learn how to express emotions without destroying relationship.
You said your ex did this 15 years and now he is a good friend. I am doubting if you are truly good friends because he no longer does that (and he did not care enough about you not to do it then) or if you are under his spell still and you have completely forgot what is healthy for the soul.

I am wondering why do you care about these two men whom you basically experienced re-traumatation of your past. Can you ever live without them? To me as tryingtocope18 said, most abused or traumatized are so focused on others that they disappear.

These two men though good friends now hurt you bad in intimate relationship. And yet you are still focused on them. It is good to learn about this but you know it already. you spent most of your life, with parents going nuts, you going nuts, others close to you going nuts. it is time to really just start fresh and find those that are adults and healthy enough not to do this anymore. This may be exactly what may give you a way out of this.

Spending time and energy on these old stories is not helping you grow or move on anynore. Even though it is probably helping you learn about YOU and how you deal with your own emotions.

I am really sorry sophy that I took this side of the issue but having Ptsd is not a death sentence and it is OK to desire more for life and both these men are minority and not worth your great mind and body to focus on their issues that you were smart and lucky enough to leave already.

Yes love is important but not occasioinal abuse and calling it dysregulation. it is painful to be in that kind of relationship to always feel being abandoned and reabused.

I really wish you find more people who have come to heal this side of them...it is one of the first area for healing because it is so on the top to destroy lives.

I wish you well and I am sorry if this post is too simple take on the issue. but being healthy in this area is simple just some people do not want to let it go.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hi Sophy,

My reaction to your post is that having dysregulation and being mature enough to be in relationship are not compatible.

These two men though good friends now hurt you bad in intimate relationship. And yet you are still focused on them. It is good to learn about this but you know it already. you spent most of your life, with parents going nuts, you going nuts, others close to you going nuts. it is time to really just start fresh and find those that are adults and healthy enough not to do this anymore. This may be exactly what may give you a way out of this.

Spending time and energy on these old stories is not helping you grow or move on anynore. Even though it is probably helping you learn about YOU and how you deal with your own emotions.

I am really sorry sophy that I took this side of the issue but having Ptsd is not a death sentence and it is OK to desire more for life and both these men are minority and not worth your great mind and body to focus on their issues that you were smart and lucky enough to leave already.

Hi grit

Thanks for your thoughts :hug:

While I understand what you mean and this may be a very true analysis of many situations, I don't agree with this analysis for my situation.

Yes, there are some thought and behaviour patterns I would like to change in myself, but they are not really the ones you are describing.

I'm certainly not focused on either of these guys anymore, but they did play a big part in my life, and yes, with one of them I am still good friends.

My belief is that there is no such thing as a human being that has no flaws, no problems, no issues. I think every human being on the planet struggles and needs to grow. I'm not interested in discarding everyone who is struggling.

My responsibility is who I choose to spend my time and my life with and I am making sound choices and looking after myself.

For me, it was important in my last 2 relationships to be with a partner that understood *my* PTSD. So I chose relationships with 2 guys who were struggling with the same issues. That was my choice and I knew what that choice entailed, and I do not regret it at all.

As I described in my other posts, I choose not to be surrounded by people who are regularly dysregulating, which is why I ended both relationships. But, I do want to be better at dealing with it - just for my own peace of mind - for those situations where someone *does* dysregulate.

And those situations happen in life - they are unpreventable. If I'm in the subway and a drunk person dysregulates, then I want to be able to deal with that calmly and rationally. I don't want to have to spend my life hidden away at home, to prevent getting into situations where a human being may dysregulate.

I do think that dysregulation is part of the normal spectrum of human reponses to massive life stressors. And as life has a habit of not being all easy peasy, massive life stressors occur regularly, and hence people dysregulating in response will also occur regularly.

I can choose how much I expose myself to that and I can choose what coping skills I want to learn so that I feel confident, competent, relaxed and empowered in dealing with it.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I push like CRAZY! He knows it’s not “me” in that it’s not what I want when I’m of sane/reasonable/rational/calm/non-triggered mind. He knows I don’t feel safe and that’s why I do it.

When he stops interacting I DO feel abandoned. I try to keep him interacting with me. I am NOT relieved in the least that there is space and silence because in that moment, that’s not what I want.

Thankyou so much for your description of your experience, Eve!

Yes, I can confirm that both my ex partners would clearly be saying and doing stuff that was "the opposite" of what they said and did when in a sane/ reasonable/rational/calm/non-triggered state.

Having it be "the opposite" is quite disconcerting and confusing.

Also, the push-pull dynamic is intense. I agree that on the occasions where I completely stopped interacting, they seemed to feel abandoned and get even more upset. There was intense pushing and intense pulling going on at the same time. Like they deeply wanted to be held, but also deeply wanted to push me away to the other end of the universe. Totally conflicted, totally unsolvable.

It really is difficult to know what to do.

Just "ignoring" them along the lines of "Oh don't listen to him, he's out of his mind" feels like such a deeply disrespectful thing to think/ say about your partner. But *at the time/ during the dysregulation* it's basically true, huh?

It's such a weird (and interesting!) phenomenon.

It's like the person has suddenly "disappeared". It's like your partner has evaporated into thin air and there is just this struggling mess that appears to be really painful.

It's spooky seing your partner "disappear" while they are still in the room :meh:

I think it's certainly only workable if both partners a) know what is going on, b) have an agreed way of handling those situations, c) talk about it after the episode (with apologies if needed) and d) there is a commitment to therapy and healing, with the aim of making these episodes less frequent and less intense, over time.

Thank you for your input! It's given me a lot to think about! :)

 

[grit]

Hi Sophy,
It seems to me (and this can be quite limited) that if you stayed with a man who had dysregulation for 15 years, you probably more than anyone capable of such a relationship and have such a side to you that is quite exceptional. Either you have the resilience of a rock (being funny here) or you were so in love that you just cruised through this relationship and realised the impact after you were out of the war zone. I do not know how you dealt with this on a daily basis after, during or before...but I you do already have that trait in you because 15 yrs is nothing to sneeze about.

I guess maybe my point was too narrow due to my limited experience (the last time I experienced dysregulation was in my 20 and I think because I realized fast that this is not gonna fly publicly too far) because I feel like you are asking how do I stay with a person who goes off at me on constant basis relentlessly just like a person asking how do I stay with a drunkard who does it only the weekend?
Logically speaking we all have different temperament and yours seems high to even consider before you meet a person like that. I would not personally fantasise about a person like that at all but then my temper is more finding a person who does not want to be in chaos. I grew up in chaos and dysregulation and I also expeirence normal healthy environment, and you would not pay me enough to ever put up with a person like that more than a day. I want a healthy life and I think you prefer a life you manage but why?

But you are definitely stronger than me and hopefully you will find a guy who also respect you and cares enough about you to become more mindful of his impact on you and others. And also more importantly you take care of yourself and not get into situation where the abuse and a person who is struggling are so enmeshed. There is dysregulation and there is denial that must be activated in order to live with it. They sort of go hand by hand.

My point was truly more about you do your healing and find more peace within you to know when others are just blowing up on their own and not on yours. This is truly a great place to be but extremely hard place for intimate relationship and just as you mentioned, the first thing is this shows up in you withdrawing emotionally. If I were you, I would not discount that. I am wondering the full impact on you and your life by the time you start to withdraw emotionally? I think you have a very high threshold so even you need to be more careful.

Life is too short to worry about others unnecessary but I got you that we all have to take care of those we care and love when they need us - the problem is where do we draw the line? A lot of us are here due to parental damage (the ultimate person who should care for us) so to say that line of we have to take care of others who are struggling is kind of simplify the issue or maybe even minimising its impact.

I honestly think for you to even post this is a very strong side of you that is challenging you a strong belief you have and you are exploring others and your feelings about other posts to get whatever you are going.

You display a lot of great qualities so I am only offering you my take and it is not gospel obviously. take what you like and leave the rest as my own issues (just like you would dissect another person's dysregulation from your own issues).

All the best Sophy. We all deserve love and peace and we should give the same.