Sex and ptsd

[somerandomguy]

If you’re a man who isn’t into just f*cking, I don’t think you can speak for all the other men out there. Many of them only want sex.

Whoa. You have totally crossed a line there. Please do not assume what I am or what I am not into.

I have never said that in general men don't have higher sex drives than women. We clearly do, in general.

What I do constantly push back against is the idea that ALL or MOST men only want sex. This is a destructive fallacy. Yes. Sometimes men just want sex. And sometimes women just want sex.

But the idea that men are always up for sex, to the exclusion of anything else, is part of what makes sex suck for everyone. It's untrue and the fact that many men feel that they have to live up to this standard makes everything worse for everyone.

 

[Innordinate]

f*cking, I don’t think you can speak for all the other men out there. Many of them only want sex.

I don't know your story, your life etc but i can 99% guarantee that whatever it is you've been judged, probably unfairly for, and judge yourself unfairly for as well.

Just on that alone- i think you would be a bit more sensitive to other people
Just on that alone.

That's not mentioning anything about how testosterone effects males or how society preconditions men to 'want sex'.

And if you're not a man, i don't think you can speak for any of the men out there.

 

[EveHarrington]

...but I’ve been with more men than both of you combined. I’ve actually seen how men act when they’re looking for a conquest. How many men have propositioned you? How many men have put the moves on you? How many men have used you for sex?

It’s nice to sit here and talk about ideals, but when we’re talking about the reality of what happens when people are horny and want to get laid, ideals fly out the window.

So you’re up on me by ONE! I can speak for no males, each of you can speak for ONE male. In a world of nine billion people, this is inconsequential.

The truth is that as a female I see a side of men that they don’t show to other males. (Truth.)

I speak out of experience. I’m sorry/not sorry that you’re offended by what I say. Instead of getting mad at me, why don’t you get mad at the other men out there who act in such a way? My opinion comes from somewhere.

And if what I say doesn’t apply to you, then don’t get upset because you aren’t being talked about here. Really it’s as easy as that.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get your point Eve.

But it doesn't help anyone, you included, to generalise.

I've been hurt by way too many men (one is too many, but it's been a few), I've been used, abused, discarded, called a slut, etc.
The fact is that I still have met some great men who respect women. Who even wanting sex respect women. So I can't really generalise either.

 

[somerandomguy]

@EveHarrington, I can tell you've been badly hurt by men. I have been badly hurt by women. And the effect of that, on both of us, is to generalize, because if the problem is ALL (or most) men or ALL (or most) women? Then it's not our faults.

I've been learning that it's not my fault, AND it's not all women's fault. It was fault of the people who abused me.

When I'm stressed, my first instinct is to go back to that old generalization. But if I do that, I end up hurting the women in my life that I love, and I end up hurting people here on this site that I care for.

And I realize that I don't want to be generalized as just another male abuser myself, so I try hard not to do the same to others.

I'm sorry you've been so hurt in your life by men. And I'm sorry I've been fighting you about that. I hope we both get to a place of healing.

 

[Mach123]

I think sex and CSA is more what I'm talking about than sex and CPTSD but as long as we are doing it IDCare what you call it. I agree with @EveHarrington the generalisation about men and sex is usually true in fact most generalisations of that sort have at least some basis in reality. That is not to say that all men are the same. That's completely untrue. But we have to deal with things as they are not how we'd like them to be.

So for me I'm lucky because I have someone who understands, she's still a woman though! Just because I'm the way I am doesn't mean I'm not a man of whatever sort, and just because she understands doesn't mean she's not a woman.

I don't just want sex, I like women. I want the whole thing. So that means after awhile, she wishes you had some friends and wanted to play golf, or watch football, or do anything to get you out of her hair for awhile lol. Whatever you do or don't do she'll be complaining about it! The generalisations are funny. Getting better means not being so easily offended, at least on some level? Triggered and offended mean two differnt things I guess. I have to sleep in the new place tonight, have to get busy, no time for this today. Business is business, you don't believe me, ask my wife. : )

 

[somerandomguy]

the generalisation about men and sex is usually true

So you're saying that, in general, men really are usually shitty to women? I'm really sorry you feel that way. I think there's room for improvement for everyone always, but I think this kind of generalization helps exactly no one.

Maybe I've hung out with a better group of men in my life, because most of the men I've known have really wanted to do the right thing.

I think that if you pin men up against a wall, they WILL say "Most of us are crappy to women. I'm not, but most guys are." I think most guys really believe that. And I think most guys aren't crappy to women but believe most guys are, because that's what they've been told and that's what they've learned.

I do think there is a significant minority of men who are truly, truly terrible to women who ruin it for all of the rest of us.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe ALL of us men are truly just as shitty as both women and men say we are. I am exasperated and am stepping away from this for awhile.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm going to be honest, @somerandomguy.
In my experience, most men are shitty to women. But my experience isn't a valid representation of humanity.
In your experience, most men aren't shitty to women. But maybe your experience isn't a valid representation of humanity either.
Fact is that women have been historically used and abused by men, hence the general consensus about this subject. That doesn't mean there aren't female abusers.

The reason you are triggered about this is because your abuser is a woman. But as we keep repeating often, the fact that most perpretators here are men isn't at all invalidating of your experience of a women perpretrator.

Try to look at your black and white thinking here, you keep getting triggered by other people's opinions on this and you need to be right, and maybe you are, but that also doesn't invalidate others' opionions and experiences.

Saying this with love.

 

[Innordinate]

.but I’ve been with more men than both of you combined. I’ve actually seen how men act when they’re looking for a conquest. How many men have propositioned you? How many men have put the moves on you? How many men have used you for sex?

The truth is you have no f*cking idea if this is true or not. I lost count when I was 11, but it's well over 30- you?

The truth is that as a female I see a side of men that they don’t show to other males. (Truth.)

Not truth- being female doesn't make you special like this in any way shape or form. And my experience shows that women are way more creative and sadistic than men when it comes to abuse. For men, it's power -but for women is shear f*cking entertainment. I don't wander around this forum, though thinking every female is as disturbed as my abusers were or acting like the end all be all of everything sex/relationship wise. And i don't, (and i havent seen anyone else on here) wander around spewing hatred of females and cutting them down every opportunity I can get. Generalizing their irrational over dramatic behaviours on all females i meet or believing my experiences with the shittiest ones to be true of most women.

not sorry that you’re offended by what I say.

I'm not offended by what you say. I'm offended by HOW you say it.
A little recognition that you are replying to people who have PTSD and sensistivity to that would go a long way.
Have a little respect for yourself and for others- that's all.

 

[Changing4Best]

My husband was a good man. He did not always think about sex, nor did he often want it in his older years. He was a kind man. He was a loving man, rarely losing his temper during our 23 years of marriage. Our marriage did not end in divorce. It lasted until his dying day. That was in 2005. I miss him still.

I was molested as a child by multiple men and raped by a boyfriend. I am more cautious now, because of the rape, but I am still open to a relationship, should the right one come along. I'm also open to staying single, if the right one does not. Kindness and gentleness and a loving spirit are what I look for. Sex is not that far down the list from there, but it would be when he is interested. I can wait!

 

[Innordinate]

@somerandomguy - i'm sorry man, that no matter where you go in society and on this forum too apparently, that people keep spewing the same male generalizations at you that conditioned you from childhood to be in the position you were to be so horribly abused by females

 

[Innordinate]

To get back to the original topic

Why does sex suck so much with PTSD?

of us it's because our traumas are sexual in nature

This is exactly it for me. Besides the risk of being triggered/ re-traumatized though i think a lot of it, well some of it, comes down to trust.
Trusting that i know what my limits are and that i'll be able to say something if it all goes sideways. And trusting my partner to do the same.
And not feeling like a freak of nature if something does go wrong- disappointing my partner and feeling like a failure.
And just trusting people in general which is rare for me.
I was a hell of a lot more active when i was a teenager- more confident and less caring - maybe less caring made me more confident?
Still- probably only like twice in my life have i actually sought out sex (the healthy kind)myself.
Sold myself sure- whole different thing
Every other time it's women approaching me and it fulfilled the 'need to be punished' aspect of my life i was raised with.

Frik- i just lost track of what i was getting at.
Anyways- yeah now, i have to find that fine line between being completely drunk- wrecked and unable to and buzzed just enough that i don't care again.
I'm good with never having an intimate relationship or any that involve sex for the rest of my life though (or was anyways until a few days ago) so it's not really been an issue for me.
Maybe it will become one now....how to have sex without a few drinks or warping it into a punishment.... :shifty: