Sexual Assault Self Defense?

[Strangelongtrip]

I've been trying to type this in as sensitive a way as possible, but I'm realizing that there's real no good way to say this. I feel like it's bound to offend someone and that's not my intention, I'm speaking what my trauma brain is trying to say? If that makes sense. Like I'm coming off as arrogant or something too, I really hope it doesn't come off this way. I realized that a lot of my appearance changes since last fall are me trying to attract as little attention from people as possible, especially men but women too to be honest. I've been sexually assaulted by both. I dress as androgynous as possible, even though I don't feel like it, and my hair is boyish. I'm female, but I decided for a short time the label non-binary suited me, and now I'm realizing I just didn't want to be a woman because I feel like I am constantly unsafe presenting female, especially when I'm traditionally eurocentrically attractive when my hair is how I like it and I'm down a few pounds.

I have gender dysphoria, but it started after being assaulted at 8, so I feel like it's not "real" dysphoria. I feel like the all inclusive "queer" suits me best, but it's just like I have no description for it and I would rather have no labels for myself. My self image is constantly changing and I feel like it's confusing to other people so I need labels for things but nothing has ever felt right. Anyways, I know sexual trauma happens to people of all genders and orientations and shapes and sizes and features, and it's dangerous being anything, but for me some core belief in my brain has associated being a woman and being myself and presenting femininely as being in danger, constantly. I first started getting comments on my appearance from strange men at 13, about my body mainly. I've been sabotaging my weight loss (I've gained 40 lbs in a few months, 70lbs altogether since my first rape) because I am so terrified of weighing less and someone being able to attack me or more people find me attractive and more people possibly wanting to assault me. It's this real primal, childlike fear and I'm trying to combat it the best I can.

My T and I both think self defense classes would be good for me. I know I can fight, I've done it before, but I also have had so much trauma since then my automatic response is freeze. My main concern is that I have PTSD, and someone grabs me to dance in a club or at a concert and I react fight and take them out and get arrested for violence or something. I feel like if I defend myself it'll be seen as overreacting and I'd have charges filed against me. I don't want to have this fight instinct in me because I know I wouldn't use it responsibly. Like, I feel like I should just expect to be groped and grabbed against my will in clubs because that's how it is I guess. If I'm hot and sexy and dressed as such I'm fair game to everyone around me is how I feel, which I know is bs but it's the world. I finally felt really safe at a club with this haircut because all the guys grabbing my female friends couldn't figure out what the f gender I was and wouldn't dance with me, which was huge for me. I don't think I'm ugly like this but I also know it's not my best look. For some reason I react if someone thinks I'm attractive they're going to hurt me and assault me. I had kinda buried this belief down but it's roaring to the surface again. I also need to learn to defend myself verbally, without escalating a situation.

I was wondering if anyone had gone through something similar and also any advice on self defense versus it being dangerous?

 

[Friday]

My main concern is that I have PTSD, and someone grabs me to dance in a club or at a concert and I react fight and take them out and get arrested for violence or something. I feel like if I defend myself it'll be seen as overreacting and I'd have charges filed against me. I don't want to have this fight instinct in me because I know I wouldn't use it responsibly.

Learning how to fight means learning how to use it responsibly.

Not only does that mean discipline & self control (not blind flailing or lashing out, but response commensurate to the provocation); but there are a HUGE number of steps between taking someone’s hand off of you, and “taking them out”.

Self defense, in particular, is mostly about “how to get away”. That doesn’t involve getting into some kind of prolonged engagement with an assailant (the opposite), nor does that assume that the only way to get away is to kill them, or seriously injure them.

In most cases it’s as simple as a hand lands on your shoulder, and taking a step & turning. The step removes their hand, and turning lets you evaluate the situation. That’s not assault by any definition of the word. More advanced methods include where/how/when to grab the hand before stepping and turning, so that you’re in control of the other person & the situation, before turning to evaluate. Still? Not assault.

((It’s aaaaaaaaaages down the line where you grab their hand in a wrist lock, snap their elbow with your forearm, shove the broken bits grinding together with one arm to blind them with pain as you move in close enough to grab their head with your other arm, smash their face into your knee, sweep them with your leg, and smash your boot heel into their eyes or throat, killing them. And that? IS NOT taught in self defense classes. Nor sport / competition fighting. That’s taught in “How to kill quickly” classes. And it’s a lot harder than it sounds. It’s a lot easier to kill people on accident, than on purpose.))

Stepping away vs Complicated Ninja Shit Designed To Kill

See the huge difference, there?

Learning how to fight isn’t a black & white thing.

Sadly, “I know Kung-Fu” instant downloads doesn’t actually happen. You have to work & train reeeeeeally hard to get to the level of skill a high ranking black belt (in any discipline) has.

What learning how to fight will do, is make you LESS dangerous. Both to yourself, and others. Because instead of 0-Attack with everything I’ve got!!! :eek: You will learn dozens (to begin with) to hundreds of intervening steps. Choices in how to respond. And the experience to know which.

You’re more likely to hurt yourself or someone else NOW, than you would be after training specific responses to situations.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Friday thank you, I had no idea it was like that. That makes much more sense!

 

[Chris-duck]

I was (am I guess? Although haven't seriously practiced in years) a black belt in taekwondo plus I do a bunch of self defence classes for my job. Like @Friday said, it's a lot about controlling the situation and getting out with the absolute minimum of damage to either person. A lot of break away techniques and talking about assessing situations etc. You could always go along to one class and watch or only commit to doing one class and see how you feel about it, there's no need to commit if it's not for you but it might help build your confidence a bit.

 

[Freida]

I was part of a womens self defense class a few years back taught by a local pd that focused on escaping. It is more like what @Friday was talking about - -get away and save yourself, not fight and conquer. What was interesting was the instructor spent the first part of the class talking about the "freeze." He said many women are conditioned to not fight because it's not "ladylike" so he began the class by making it ok to fight with someone. Most of what he taught was very basic - it was to help build confidence in the few escape moves he taught. At then end students got the chance to fight off an "attacker" - another officer dressed in a huge red protective suit with a face covering. It was pretty creepy but I was amazed at how well the women did -- especially the ones who froze when they we challenged in the early part of the class.

Might be a good compromise?

 

[New]

I took a kickboxing class for 4 years prior to attack. I froze during the attack. I’m still mad at myself about that.

I love kickboxing. It is never boring and I definitely recommend if they offer something similar in your area.

 

[Freida]

I froze during the attack. I’m still mad at myself about that.

There is a world of difference between kick boxing in a gym and fighting for your life. You may have know some moves, but you weren't trained how to use them against someone who was out to harm you. That changes everything. You can't be mad at yourself for not reacting to a situation you weren't trained for and didn't expect. That is like holding a 5 year old with crayons responsible for not being able to paint the Mona Lisa

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I started studying traditional martial arts in 1996. In 2000, I went through the Women't Self Defense course my martial arts school has. From the age of 3.5 until the age of 12, I was very violently raped, beaten, tortured and forced to participate in some horrific abuse/slaughter for various rituals. When I was taking just the martial arts classes, it was hard to safe if it was the safe thing to do. I broke my band teacher's nose one day because he came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. By the time my brain recognized his face, my elbow had already shattered his nose. So yes, dangerous.

BUT
The self defense program I now teach is intense, involves surprisingly few actual physical techniques (because they have to be repeated a minimum of 5,000 times to store it as what many refer "muscle memory." The brunt of the training is mental and emotional. We practice escaping from a bunch of different possible assault situations. In the end, fighting the way out of a dark room after a very large and strong 4th degree blackbelt in full protective gear takes you to the ground, and you get awak, and you do it three times. And the fight is real. Only thing not "real" is that we put enough padding on the "bad guy" to keep his bones and such in place.

I don't know all the psychology behind it, but I can attest that that hypervigilance doesn't necessarily go away - but it becomes less disorganized, and your body but ESPECIALLY your mind lose that constant "I'm about to die" feeling, and move on to that "I am extremely aware of everything, and that is good, because it will help me stay safe."

I'd really push for ALL victims (males too) of any sort of violent crime. We offer specialized self-defense to law enforcement, mental health professionals, health professionals, and military as well.

This is a corny phrase, I know, but - It helps you kill your demons. The biggest changes are internal. You start to realize you have a voice, and a body, and you get to decide what they do and what others can do to or with them.

Couple things I strongly recommend when seeking a course:

Anything less than 12 full hours of training IS NOT ENOUGH.

Understand that if you've been hurt before, the initial weeks of the class ARE going to bring it all up to the surface. But I promise it won't be that way forever. Your brain is bringing the fear and pain to the surface (yes, self defense will be a massively triggering first few class). We are teaching your thoughts and emotions and body that they CAN fight back and win.

MMA, Judo, Jui-Jitsu, and even just boxing are all great things - but they are not likely to help in a situation where you have people threatening with harm.

Ask them to demonstrate some of the techniques they will be teaching. If they look really complicated, then you're not likely to receive much instruction on simple effective techniques, and then have someone put you through thousands of repetitions, and without that, the class isn't overly likely to help you in a time of need. If they show you relatively simple techniques - go for it!

Ask for graduate stats, too - we have 5,024 of them. 93%percent of them made us aware at some point they are survivors of assault/battery/rape. Out of those graduates (program is decades old), we have never ONCE had a graduate "successfully attacked." But we have 47 who were attacked, defeated the bad guy with no physical injury to themselves, verified by police who transported the attackers for medical treatment and then to court. Not one of our grads has ever responded with unnecessary use of force in any situation, because the use of force continuum is something we teach.

Lots of words.

BASIC ANSWER: Take Self Defense

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @ShodokanJenn I appreciate it that’s such great information! I’ll look into what’s around me.

 

[ILoveLife]

I did self defense classes. More than anything, it was a boost on self-confidence, but no reality based interventions really. Like, my go to method of dealing is "freeze" so if I'm ever confronted by the possibility of using what I learned I'm not sure I would remember it in the moment, but who knows? But don't be discouraged by this, self-confidence also has to be fueled and trained over the years, and the freeze reaction can be treated.
I do think it's important though, to do self-defense classes, for anyone who doesn't feel they could defend themselves up whatever is the fear that leads you to want self-defense classes.

 

[Abstract]

Can't comment on self defence aspect of things but others have done that nicely. Interesting to read. Can relate a lot to the other stuff (except no gender dysmorphia and am straightforwardly straight). Think we have had a little convo about that before. Worked on various things over the years which has helped this a lot. Essentially part of it needed to be a little like exposure therapy. Random adult men started commenting on my body aged around 11, as did woman.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I looked into a Krav Maga gym and it's $45 effing dollars a week, and a $75 sign up fee, and it's for a year long membership. I don't have $180/ month to spend, maybe if it were for one month and then stop but nope. I'll keep looking lol.