Relationship Boyfriend just admitted everything...

[Jay02]

Hi everyone!

This past Saturday was a great day for me and my boyfriend. We spent the day with my family and he was bonding so much with them. Then, came the alcohol. It was a good buzz.

We went back to my place and that’s when he finally admitted what was on his mind. He’s turning 29 soon and he kept saying how he’s done so much bad shit in his life.

He was in the Marines for five years and now has to deal with a lot of the aftermath. He basically said how he (and other Marines) don’t belong in this world because of the horrible things they had to do... I tried to reassure him and tell him that it was an order (especially since he mentioned it before) and that it wasn’t willing. I could tell he tried to make me see the horrors he had to endure and I think he thought it would scare me away...

It didn’t. I told him I had fallen in love with him... ALL of him. The flaws. The good. The bad. Everything.

Then... He dropped the bomb.

He’s thinking about re-enlisting. That’s when I started to tear up. He talked so lowly of himself and I wish he could see just how amazing of a man he is. I told him I would obviously be sad, but that if it was what he truly wanted to do, then I would support him... He’s actually been looking into re-enlisting and going through the steps to make it happen...

I guess this post is simply for me to vent and have any of you chime in, in hopes that one of you can help me through this if it happens and what to expect. I love him, very much and I feel like he feels useless when he’s so used to doing something much bigger. He is going to school right now to become a Firefighter.

Anyway, I’ll take all the advice I can get. Thank you.

 

[Deanna]

It's natural to want to re-enlist. No one can be a marine in the real world without a military. He saw too much and runs away with alcohol which doesn't work but its good for a headache the next day. He will be bored as a firefighter. I was in but not for very long. My superiors wanted to send me to Korea and I said he@l no. TDPed out but it was peacetime. Marry him and go all over the world with him. Good luck.

 

[Freida]

Missing the military after you get out is pretty common because they just don't fit anywhere any more. They have seen and done too much and just can't relate to civilians and their 1st world problems. If you just spent the last year getting shot at you have no patience with those who freak out when the cable goes out. It's a really hard adjustment for some

You might ask him to tell you why he got out instead of reenlisting. That might give him some perspective on if he really wants back in it he's just lost in his new world

 

[OrangeJulius]

I went through this with my boyfriend about a year or two into our relationship. He was a recon infantry Marine. He was (and still is) trying to find "purpose". The closest he's come to finding that "purpose" is being a paramedic.

Since he had a ton of combat training and experience and then civilian side medic training and experience...he went to an army recruiter to reenlist as an army medic. He was turned away for his tattoos. I found out about all this after the fact. Not sure if he visited the army recruiter to get info or was ready to sign. But it certainly was eye-opening for me about where he was mentally and in life in general. I started researching other ways to be in the military again with a medical background but he wasn't interested in what I found so I suspect for him it was a spur of the moment....not a longing kind of thing. And I've heard other vets flirt with similar ideas.

As for the firefighter thing....if he's not getting treatment (and probably even if he is) his PTSD WILL get worse. First responders see so much crap. My boyfriend once described a scene in our city that was more of a "blood bath" than anything he saw in Iraq. That was shocking to hear but I suspect it partially had something to do with the number of children (and civilians in general) involved. And he sees awful things every day. Not great for healing from trauma. If he has ANY other interests....I highly encourage you to encourage those other interests. From what I understand, first responders are right behind the military with PTSD rates.

As a first responder and seeing what he goes through I am trying to make my side gig my primary income so I can hopefully limit my trauma and avoid PTSD....even though I absolutely LOVE what I do, the PTSD isn't worth it. But I'm selfish so I probably see it differently than other.

 

[Freida]

First responders see so much crap. My boyfriend once described a scene in our city that was more of a "blood bath" than anything he saw in Iraq.

Yep - and they are usually doing it with less resources than they had in the military because they work on a much smaller team.

 

[Deanna]

Maybe when I said " if he goes to apply for firefighter, he will get bored" was wrong. I don't mean the job is boring, I meant that he won't get to be a marine and fight like he's used to. I can understand that both jobs are a blood bath. Sorry about that. My bad

 

[OrangeJulius]

I can understand that both jobs are a blood bath. Sorry about that. My bad

Not sure if this is in my direction or not....but I totally understood that from your original post. Made perfect sense! No need for apologies. My comment was more....get out of first responding before he gets sucked into it for his mental wellbeing. Nothing will stimulate that part of the brain and give the adrenaline rush like the military. So find something do-able elsewhere and hopefully with less trauma exposure.