Sufferer Childhood haunting

[Moon-as-blue]

Hey,
I feel like i need a place to talk. I grew up bilingual - english with my mother, german with my father - i just can't Go to a german forum, I don't think i could let go or feel safe. But my english might be blocked and i might Not find the right words.

My mother is a manipulative and abusive person. Its hard for me to accept this i still feel guilty. I just can't handle this... and it always comes to My mind "how hard her childhood was and how neglected she has been" even though this would never been an excuse for me beeing mean to My children.

I am suffering really bad right now. Hiding in my own home (behind a bookshelve, while i am the only one in the house), feeling hate, anger, fear. Crying.

I am 37, married, have 3 kids, work as a teacher a day/week and just decided to Start my own business and go back to school.. well.. and here i am with a total break down.

We moved into my parents house dezember 2016. They moved out the year before to go to Spain and only come back during the touristic season. My father was diagnosed with cancer early this year so they bouth returned. She was gone for 5 weeks after an escalation in may, came back last wednesday and this is Horror for me. Everything she does triggers my childhood trauma. She used to beat us, isolate us, made us work work work. We had more chores then she did around the house. She was always kind to others so no body believe me, or thats what i thaught. I couldnt tell anybody. And guess what she doesn t remember it! I am getting what i deserve anyways. My kids are scared of her and their friends don't want to come and play here.

Tomorrow i have my regular appointment with my therapist. I wish i didn't have to go or deal with all this. I feel so helpless :( how can i Stop this haunting??

My doc said it s ptsd when we talked in may. I was pretty good in hiding that for the past 4 years of therapy..

Can i ever cope with this?
I have no place to go - i can't just leave our house! Kids just found friends here and houses are so expansive here i can't afford to rent or buy a place. (And i know my ptsd will follow me...)

 

[TTC18]

I don't know what to say or what to suggest - just want to tell you I'm sorry you're going through this. What does your husband think? Can he protect you & the kids at all? What about your dad? I know you say you can't leave - but maybe there's somewhere else you can go, you just haven't thought of it yet. I hope your therapist has some good insights, and maybe some domestic violence resources for you. :(

 

[Moon-as-blue]

Thank you.
I wish i could go... that would mean taking the kids out of school. They have to have some kind of normal life :(
My husband tries so hard. Even more then i want. It's (subtle) psychoterror right now. I told him i want to be out of the house as much as possible so that's what we are trying to do now. It's really enough to hear her flip Flops outside in the hallway to Trigger it.

My father seems to be silent. He wants us to stay and suggested they moved out.. But when.. Sie left july 3rd wanted to Tour the States and canada for a year or so. Visit family and Friends. Guess nobody wanted to keep her.. I was hoping to be safe now i am back to waiting for better times to Come.

 

[TTC18]

I don't want to tell you what to do - so please tell me to stop if it feels like I'm pressuring you in any way. I know what it is to feel trapped and not know what to do, as that's kind of where I am right now. So - here's me saying, your kids aren't having a normal life if they're afraid of your mom, and you're afraid of your mom. Taking your kids out of school and leaving shows them that their safety is important. It's OK to disrupt your life and other people's lives when you need to feel safe. You're not hurting anyone by doing what you need to do for safety. It's OK to protect yourself. It's OK to protect your kids. You deserve to be safe. Your kids deserve to be safe. Maybe, instead of thinking about what you can't do, think about what you could do. If you won a million dollars in the lottery, where would you go, what would you do? Someone posted that in one of my threads, and it was a really helpful thought. Would you still stay there if you had money to pick up and move somewhere else? Or is this about not feeling like you have any other options?
Again - if this feels pressuring, please just ignore me or ask me to stop. I hate it when people pressure me to do stuff, and wouldn't want to make anyone else feel the same.

 

[Moon-as-blue]

YOU are right.
And If i had the money i'd be gone. In fact i would never have agreed to come back here in the first place!. We tried to buy a place where we used to live, but didn't her the money. We were all happy there. Had supportive friends, a good school.. But no garden. (And the garden here and the room i am sitting in was my grandmothers. She loved me. She is my safe place)

I have to See what we can do but i really have no clue..

 

[TTC18]

Do you know anyone else locally? Childhood friends? Teachers? Is there a domestic violence shelter? - Not necessarily to live in, but they have resources, and usually some sort of a crisis line where you can talk about what's going on and they can give suggestions. Maybe you can rent? Safety first, and that includes mental and emotional safety. I hope you can find a way through this.

 

[Moon-as-blue]

We do have a shelter. I even have the number in my phone. And i could also call the guy from family counseling or send hin an email at least... Thanks for pressuring really. Hard to think clearly.. 11pm here, gonna go to bed now and hopefully remember to email.

Had a quiet day. Spent it in the playground with my kids and met some friends (Meeting actually).

What scares me is, that people who i am not friends with that long and have seen my mother 3, 4, 5 times maybe see what must be going on. It's like .. "am i wearing my misery make-up?" Or did they manage to see through her mascerade? Or die she actually talk bad about me with ins of my best friends and my mentor at work? ... I will have to ask them. Makes me feel embaressed.

 

[TTC18]

Not knowing whether you're meeting someone who's heard awful things about you is horrible. Been there. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Swift]

Welcome.
I'm sorry you're in such a shitty situation.
PTSD is definitely something you can live with, and it will get more manageable, I promise.
But it won't while you're around the person who caused your PTSD - it can't heal if you're constantly being retriggered.
Starting a trauma diary on here I've found to be really helpful. I don't usually post trauma, just my day to day stuff. Processing really helps me get a handle on the situation.

Is renting a possibility even for a little while? A shitty place where your mum isn't is going to be better than a nice place where she is. Your kids will thank you later for getting them away from that horrible woman.

Good luck.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Yes, your ptsd will follow you wherever you go, but being around the person who caused your ptsd will most likely prevent any kind of substantial healing as you’ll forever be in fight/flight mode since you won’t ever feel safe, and true healing requires a safe living environment.

 

[Moon-as-blue]

Rents are really high.. And we are already paying electricity and rent here. I couldnt pay double. Even checked for "workers appartments" they Tage so much a day! That would pay half a weeks grouceryshopping..

Wenig i say "no big deal! I can sleep on the couch" i really can't Go without a bedroom, because my husband goes to bed early and gets up around 3/4o'clock at night and I usually "work"/stuff when he is in bed.
Nobody is going to give you a " too small appartment" except for the really shirts places.. And i lived in one before. It was about the same hell as beeing here. It's not about space really (Except for the kids who will start fighting)... so much Organisation s*** bursting my brain... I understand i need a safe place for healing and THAT is what i want. I don't have the flexibility.. maybe it is just me, maybe it's the country.

I don't really get that diary Part - but still haven't checked out the forum..

 

[Justmehere]

If you moved out, could you get out of paying rent to your parents? Then you would not be paying rent and utilities on two places.

Are you in treatment?