General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

Oh!!!!! Ok. I forgot to give a shout out to hubby for changing all of his plans on his day off to shuttle me from one appointment to another and then sit in the waiting room for two and a half hours and when I asked him if it was a problem he reassured me..several time..That it wasn't.

and I'm better today! Yay!

 

[Freida]

I feel unsafe/ my back open, almost everywhere. :(

I hate that we feel like this.....

about Christmas actually and Christmas and

Yea.... So I love Christmas but it's tough. I try to time it so that we do things on weekdays or early in the day when crowds are less. It's very noisy and lots of bright lights. Plus there are so many expectations! Be here, do this, act this way, blah blah. It's harder to escape because you are supposed to be happy happy. My suggestion? Work out a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. Where can he hide in your house or at the family dinners? What's the safe word that means "we are leaving!!!!!" Decide in advance how you can run interference in crowds of people who all want to talk to him. @LuckiLee is great at doing that for J....maybe she has some examples?

him because it is so full, a thousand people in his back... but he wants to participate.

Ask the reverend or church staff to set aside a couple chairs in the very back row, against the wall, with exit sightlines, for you. Lie about why if you need to....come up with something that might require a sudden exit and you don't want to disturb the other parishioners. If he likes kids camp in the nursery...You can still see everything but few people. Or..some churches have alcoves along the side of up above....claim them. The more pre planning you do the easier it will be

 

[Freida]

Wow I'm all chatty tonight!?

. I know you aren't able to share with hubby so please continue to share with us. You've shared your deepest, darkest secrets with us and

This^^^^^^ is so very important to understand. You may not get to know what happened to your sufferer, even when they are willing to tell the whole anonymous world. There are 10000 complicated reasons for this but none of them have anything to do with you. It would make me crazy to think hubby was hiding horrible stuff from me so I have no ideas to offer on how to be ok with it....but. It's not because of you. It's just another gift from the fun filled world of ptsd.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I don't think it's hiding, just not the time or place or context or mood or safety or words or (x).., to talk about reminders (ever), you know?

:hug:

 

[Freida]

Random thought of the day...

I tackled some big shit in my timeline over the last week and it knocked me into the I don't care. I'm totally numb, totally shut down mode. I'm not really in isolation - or maybe its isolation light. I don't feel like I'm hiding, I just don't care about anything right now. I'm off in my own little world, going thru the motions, not wanting to engage. Which means I'm totally unconcerned by whatever blah blah is going on with my supporters. I can be polite and try to fake it, but they know I'm faking it.

It's not really a depression. It's more of a robotic response because my brain is overwhelmed and has pretty much short circuited. I'm just empty inside. And I'll be like that until I'm not -- because I don't want to face the emotions that are being blocked. It's ok to try to connect with me, I'm not going to get mad like I do when I'm isolating. But chances are high I'm going to wander away while you are yammering at me and plug in a video game or take the dog for a walk or check facebook or whatever. Because right now my brain is gone. Nada in there. So there is no room for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've thought about this at some level, you put it to words @Freida - and not to disagree- as I agree totally.

But the thought that, physiological and simply cognitive overwhelm aside (or the time required it takes to get through that/ them, to get a baseline of less-arousal), where is the line or attempts (or progress?) 'I' can make, that eradicates the gobbling-up of the space that- by living and being in relationship- is meant for others? That is, is meant to be outward-focused, shared, lived in the present moment both realistically and just 'factually' (it 'is' the present)? Because otherwise, it's like my mind, heart and soul (and time or thoughts) are overcome by a computer-virus. :( Which profoundly affects the quality of my life, and by consequence short-changes others. No room for others, the trauma has filled it. And what is that, for them?

I do not know the solution or answer to that; I somehow think it's less ~over-comable through sheer will as that which is softer? Like the saying perfect love overcomes all fear. Of which I (we?) have plenty?

Don't know if that makes any sense at all. :confused:

:hug:

 

[Freida]

@Junebug that's really a good question. I think my days like that one are becomming fewer as I do more counseling but it was sad to see how my brain was working. I feel so bad for the supporters, because I'm stuck in a bubble and I cant get to them and they cant get to me. I think maybe the only answer is that we really make strides toward appreciating them on the days that we are completely "present."

Ya think??? maybe??

 

[Tinyflame]

I think when it's your H @Freida , or for those with likely-committed supporters, yes. Otherwise, Idk?

 

[Freida]

@Junebug true.... One of the reasons I keep people at a distance is that i dont have a lot of energy to give out and what I have has to go to me, hubby and those already close to me. New people? They come with drama ( because they are human, not because they are bad) and a lack of understanding what ptsd is. Not that I expect them to of course. But it means lots of explaining when I hurt their feelings - and with ptsd? I'm gonna hurt their feelings :sad: so its just easier not to get close in the first place

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Freida , I feel like, or am, a burden, most time. Though genuine in my sentiment, when not numb, or that is I have lots, but I, too, find it exhausting. :(

 

[Freida]

I feel like, or am, a burden, most time.

I so get that. I try to protect them from the truth of how bad things are but that seems to upset them more. My family was together recently at a play park and it was a long, busy day. I needed some pain pills when I was there, which is no biggie for me. But later that night when I told sis I didn't want any wine because I had them on board she got cranky. She asked when I started hurting and I told her about halfway through the day.

Then she looked at me and said...very crankily.... "well we never know what's going with you because you wont tell us!" uhmm...ok???? Honestly I had no idea what in the world she meant. Why would they want to listen to me blather on about something that is just a normal part of my life? I was proud of myself for getting to the point where I can admit to them when I'm having an "it's to peoply out there" day. It's exhuasting trying to figure out what they want sometimes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, and it takes sooo much courage to be honest, and not feel like it's 'whiny'. :(