Messing up - rescue mode vs keeping adult autistic daughter safe

[Teamwork]

I seem to have a pattern of messing up with my daughter. She lives with me. I’m her trustee. She is 22 has autism. Recently she went out to play with a younger group of teenagers. She said where she was going. Later as a group they decided to go parking lot hopping. Something to do with staying in the parking lot of an establishment until they shouldn’t be there anymore just as a way of hanging out. She used one of the males phones to message that they were going to macdonalds be home around 3 or 4 in the morning. I was pretty upset with this. Didn’t know who she was with and she’s never been out that late. She didn’t say if they were in a vehicle or walking and it’s pretty far away. After she got home she did say one of the boys said, you’re 22 you don’t need to follow the rules. She was sorry I was worried. A week later I spoke to one of the boys about not doing that again, that she was autistic and doesn’t always know some things. Last night she hung out with him and he told her everything I said so she was crying yelling at me today. It’s not the first time I’ve said something to people about what she might need. I see it as protective but she sees it as embarrassing. I don’t know anymore what to do to keep her safe as she tries out new things but right now she’s pretty angry and I’m trying to figure out how to not go into rescue mode all the time.

 

[Abstract]

I can see you want to protect her and do the best for her. I would say that is out of the bounds of what would be helpful to someone and I'm sure very embarrassing for her on many levels. Speaking to her directly is one thing. Going to others and speaking about her is another.

When you go into this mode are you stopping to put yourself in her shoes or are you just reacting? For example if you did something while making new work friends or other friends and your mother went to them and told them that you shouldn't do that as you had PTSD and weren't always able to make good decisions how would you feel? Do you think you are able to see her as an adult?

 

[Teamwork]

I can see you want to protect her and do the best for her. I would say that is out of the bounds of what would be helpful to someone and I'm sure very embarrassing for her on many levels. Speaking to her directly is one thing. Going to others and speaking about her is another.

When you go into this mode are you stopping to put yourself in her shoes or are you just reacting? For example if you did something while making new work friends or other friends and your mother went to them and told them that you shouldn't do that as you had PTSD and weren't always able to make good decisions how would you feel? Do you think you are able to see her as an adult?

Important message in what you are saying. I feel like this is what I need to learn as I never sure why I do this. I recognize it’s not working out,I do need to put a halt to it before stuff comes out. So yes I need to stop and not be reactive. It’s why I’m asking. I grew up in care, group homes and institutions and there are times when I’m more that smart then parent smart. It’s hard for me to make sense before hand that this is wrong.

 

[Abstract]

I'm sorry you didnt have proper caregivers around you when growing up. :( It must be hard finding a path when you didnt have one that worked. Do you think you are reacting or thinking carefully before you respond? Can you prepare a strategy for these situations? WHere you think of the various impacts on all parties of various actions. Your daughters perception is going to be different to yours as she has a different life story,

On the whole it is always better to speak to the person themselves and have a genuine conversation. Learn from each other. Just because you both have disabilities doesnt mean either of you doesnt have important realisations and thoughts to impart. She is your partner in your care of her. Speaking to others steals away the persons power and infantalises them.

Everyone needs to have their individuality and autonomy recognised and respected (within the limits of what is OK for them). When you speak to her rather than others you give her credibility as an individual. When you speak to others not her you take that away. Its important that you are not thinking of your fears and worries when you speak to her (maybe even your triggered worries) and rather are speaking to her with her experience and best interests in mind. I hope I make some sense. Not sure if communicating what I mean.

Being recognised as an individual is incredibly important for wellbeing for any human being. We all have strengths and vulnerable areas. In context of what structure you feel she needs depending on the level of her challenges.

 

[Teamwork]

I'm sorry you didnt have proper caregivers around you when growing up. :( It must be hard finding a path when you didnt have one that worked. Do you think you are reacting or thinking carefully before you respond? Can you prepare a strategy for these situations? WHere you think of the various impacts on all parties of various actions. Your daughters perception is going to be different to yours as she has a different life story,

On the whole it is always better to speak to the person themselves and have a genuine conversation. Learn from each other. Just because you both have disabilities doesnt mean either of you doesnt have important realisations and thoughts to impart. She is your partner in your care of her. Speaking to others steals away the persons power and infantalises them.

Everyone needs to have their individuality and autonomy recognised and respected (within the limits of what is OK for them). When you speak to her rather than others you give her credibility as an individual. When you speak to others not her you take that away. Its important that you are not thinking of your fears and worries when you speak to her (maybe even your triggered worries) and rather are speaking to her with her experience and best interests in mind. I hope I make some sense. Not sure if communicating what I mean.

Being recognised as an individual is incredibly important for wellbeing for any human being. We all have strengths and vulnerable areas. In context of what structure you feel she needs depending on the level of her challenges.

What your saying is helpful. I don’t think I’ve learned it before. I did speak to her yes and in addition spoke to the one who said she didn’t have to follow the rules. Part of the confusion for me is he’s one of a few older youth who call me mom. He’s been on his own for since grade 8. So ya I have a lot of confusion over boundaries. But as to planning, yes need to find away to be more prepared rather than reactive, don’t tell my daughter that kind of stuff and let her come into her own.

 

[Abstract]

It sounds like a complex situation. My hat off to you as I can only imagine how hard it is managing ones own stuff and being a parent.

 

[Teamwork]

It sounds like a complex situation. My hat off to you as I can only imagine how hard it is managing ones own stuff and being a parent.

Yes, it has settled down now. Mostly I have had to always coach people, so not doing it now because of age and regardless of what she understands is difficult.