List of Traumas for Therapist

[piratelady]

I’ve started to tell my therapist more about my various traumas. Well. I told him a tiny bit about one. One that is especially bad has been bothering me. My intention was to talk about it today... I didn’t. He commented that it looked like I came in with an agenda of what to discuss, but then... nothing. I did admit to him that I do need to talk about it still. His suggestion is for me to send him whatever I feel comfortable with in regards to details. Then that will set our agenda for therapy.

So my mind went to a bullet point list. In my diary, Freida suggested printing one of my posts for him. I was going to take a run at the list in my diary, but I only had one thing. The childhood stuff was.., I couldn’t type it.

I guess I’m wondering what others have done. The diary page feels like way too much Information, the bullet point list feels weird for some reason.

Also, once I do this and send it, there’s no going back. I can’t make him unknow it. That scares me.

I guess I’m not sure how to go forward, what others have done,

 

[somerandomguy]

I think you do what you can. If it's a list of bullet points, great. If it's a list of single words, that's great too. I think anything you can put down in writing is only going to help you.

 

[piratelady]

I guess, if you were in my shoes, would you tell him all of it? Like some of the stuff in my diary that you’ve seen, doesn’t bother me as much anymore. Would you still tell him that stuff? Or just omit it?

He said I don’t need to give him details, but it’s hard to be vague and still convey something meaningful.

And of course, once I hit send he knows, I can’t undo it. It’s out there, and real...

 

[somerandomguy]

You and I are different people, so what I do might not work for you at all. I have a policy of complete and total disclosure to my therapist - as much as I possibly can. I feel like it's going to come out eventually anyway, and I personally have a need to process everything that I don't think everyone does.

That doesn't mean I haven't felt deeply ashamed during my disclosure. I have. Disclosing is hard as hell. But I guess I'm one of those people that just likes to rip the band-aid off as quickly as possible.

 

[Still Standing]

Out of fear of having TO talk about things right off the get-go, I wrote my (then) new psych doc a letter, listing all the sexual abuses from childhood to adulthood because the thought of having to tell him in person was too embarrassing. He thanked me for them and did not make me elaborate. As we got into therapy, he then asked me to make him a list of the traumas I could remember up to 14 years old. So, I did as you thought of doing. I made a simple bullet pointed list and actually listed things up to 20 years old. From that list, he has taken one event at a time, and we have dealt with each in various ways...whatever seemed most useful at the time. Since I tend to have difficulty remembering trauma events while in therapy, this list helps my recall and gives the doc an idea of what direction he wants to go in therapy...and I don't have to keep panicking over which event to focus on. I think making a list was the easiest and less stressful way to "tell" the psych doc what needed to be shared.

And if you have a diary and have been able to say things in there that you cannot say in person, I certainly would copy those parts and give them to your therapist. Any info you can share, will help him in his care for you. Giving him portions of your diary is a good way to bypass the initial fear, embarrassment, and uncertainty that you may have. I say "go for it". It will be in your best interest to do so.

 

[FauxLiz]

@piratelady I haven't read your diary so I can't comment on whether to send him a post from there. On a very high level age and type of trauma I have told my new therapist. After 2 1/2 years with my previous T while in a highly dysregulated state I sent him a document with some not all the details of my adult traumas but even at the end after 4 years together all I could say about my early childhood trauma separate from my parents was I remember my brother "having his way with me" and nothing further. I agree with @somerandomguy that do what you can, there is no standard for this type of thing and only you can decide what you are comfortable.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it.

That doesn't mean I haven't felt deeply ashamed during my disclosure. I have.

I think this is the root of my problem. I am deeply ashamed of the sexual abuse. I mean, when I tried to make the trial bullet point list in my own diary, I couldn't even type it out, knowing I intended to give it to therapist. I think I'm just too afraid of what will come of it. What it means if someone else knows what happened to me. Here, it's different. The likelihood I'll ever meet any of you in person is next to zero. Him, I will see him in a week. He'll see me and know what was done to me. I don't know how to be ok with that.

Any info you can share, will help him in his care for you.

I will have to try to remember this. He keeps asking me for any little detail so he knows how to proceed, but I couldn't bring myself to do it today. Thank you for sharing your experience. It was really encouraging.

I want to give him all the information because I want to get better as soon as possible. I guess I just need to figure out how and how to deal with that initial shame and embarrassment.

 

[MyWillow]

You don’t have to talk about every incident. I understand they use to think that was helpful but my psydoc tells me that we can do that if I feel safe enough but it’s more important to deal with how I’m feeling and reacting right now. And to feel safe. That’s a novel concept for me I’m just realising. And it’s empowering to say to my psydoc that “the flashback was horrible but I don’t really want to talk about it”

 

[shimmerz]

I think anything you can put down in writing is only going to help you.

Anything is better than nothing. Even the smallest steps are steps on the way out of keeping this shit locked all inside you, right?

I ended up doing a timeline. It served dual purpose for me because it helped me incorporate time (which I had lost because of the trauma aspects of it all). There was so much there..... lol it was chaos and a real eye opener. But really I started with one event. At 4 days old.

I drew a line. Wrote 4 days old closer to the left side of it and wrote on top of the line 'operation'. That's it. I mean, my T knew the implications of that more than I did. It wasn't like I had to explain how that was traumatizing. It was just a fact. No emotion was involved. I am a fact girl. It is how I dissociate from stuff. It is up to my T to help me fill in the details along the way.

Anyway, when I felt well enough to during the course of any given week, I would write something else on the timeline and shoot it off. Could have been 'I slammed my finger in the car door. Didn't matter. What mattered was that I did it.

Oh, and if you can't think about traumas yet, make up a timeline with inconsequential stuff.
Born this day
Went to school at this age
Had a birthday party at this age
My first real memory was

That might get you into the habit of training your brain to release some of this stuff in a safe manner to start.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @shimmerz. I've decided to just keep working on this between now and Tuesday. I'm going to email him something on Tuesday (appointment is on Wednesday) no matter what. I think I will share a little about the incident we tried to talk about yesterday but couldn't. Then try to create a timeline regarding the other stuff so he can handle that how he sees fit and try your approach.

Thank you :)

 

[Friday]

He'll see me and know what was done to me. I don't know how to be ok with that.

I’d start first with why you’re not okay with that.

In point of fact, working on why you’re having difficulty talking about things, is a great therapy task. Not only helps deal with that thing right then and there that you’re having problems with but everything in the future that you would also have problems with.

Like, this particular thing may be projection / mindreading or old rules (attributing the wrong cause and effect, like believing the consequences now will be the same as they “might” have been back when. Might in quotes because it could be a threat by an abuser to keep you silent, like i’ll Kill your mom if you tell, or could be reality, you told and XYZ happened), but the next one could easily be based in something completely different. Talking with your therapist about talking? Both builds the whole therapeutic alliance, and helps you talk about both/all things. Not just a one off.

 

[Maroon731]

I left a note with my T explaining some or the reasons I struggle with telling her about my history. We spent a whole session and some discussing why I struggle with our relationships and the triggers (Kid fears, or not) as to why I have a hard time talking. Also, we often leave the office and walk while talking, which I found a huge help. And I also left a little history, in writing, of what happened with really no specifics but enough for her to understand the timeline and degree of the main abuse. Since we had that breakthrough of just talking thru every scenario of why I am struggling in therapy. And also the alternative of if she refers me out. I made the decision to stay (and not try to manage her feelings) and it seems to be working. I feel like I can breath a little easier that I know don't have to be hypervigilant about this relationship. It took well over a year to get here and perhaps I might relapse but I now feel confident we can now have candid discussions when I get stuck. So I hope that helps. It really is about you and your health. Let him do his job. They have extremely high ethical standards so even if you decide you want to go somewhere else it will never be shared, so give it a try if you can. (disclosure, I can't talk specifics about my trauma and not sure when or if I will but she knows the basics and so is able to bring some of todays challenges into context). But obviously this is all day-by-day, today it feels ok. I wish you the same.