Need help accurately communicating : bombed therapy appt

[SeekingUnderstanding]

Hello

I need help trying to better communicate with the amazing therapist that I have. I feel like I ruined my session today.

I have been so wrapped up lately in one component of my “trauma” that it’s all I could focus my responses on. So when she asked today “what was the worst part” - it was about that component, which isn’t entirely true. That’s just the piece I’m stuck on at the moment. That focused on one event, where really, the hardest part was the constant fear of dying, the unknown, being so so so scared and alone. But - I said that the worst part was one small fairly insignificant event.

I’m beating myself up now that I’ve dug myself out of the thought cycle I was stuck in.

What do I do? Bring it up next time? Send an email? I’m pretty upset with myself for not effectively communicating how I’m doing or answering her questions well. Unfortunately I was at the mercy of I guess what my mind was stuck on in this moment.

Also - I am NOT a suicidal person. I never could - but I had some PTSD symptoms earlier and it felt like I was dying of course, and I kind of thought I wouldn’t mind if it DID kill me. Do I mention this ?

I did really well for a while and things were much improved. I then had a big setback. I’m improving again and finally (thankfully) having some good days but, it’s been a long process of climbing back out. I’m glad she’s been such a great support and her methods really do help, I’m just not rebounding as quickly as I should or would like - which makes me feel like I’m not doing my part well. (Also wondering if this is lack of meds - weaned off meds and this is first setback since being off).

 

[Abstract]

Don't be so hard on yourself if you can manage that. You don't deserve it at all. It is entirely normal and human to not always be able to say just the right thing especially when dealing with intense emotions and experiences. Could you email her?

 

[SeekingUnderstanding]

Yes - I think that I could email her, though I try not too. But what do I even say? I could also ask for a brief phone appointment (never done before) to get it off of my chest without waiting until my appt a week from now.

 

[EveHarrington]

There really is no such thing as a ruined session. Even the horrible sessions can serve a purpose or propel our healing forward.

Maybe you tell your therapist what happened with you not honestly answering her question. Maybe she then digs a little to find out why you weren’t honest. Maybe she is able to find out why you can’t admit that the fear of dying was the worst part. Maybe this digging uncovers a whole new issue that is crucial to work on in order to heal.

See how even the crappiest of therapy sessions can ultimately do us good? If everything was linear and always smooth sailing in the positive direction, a lot of aspects of the trauma/effects would probably be overlooked. It’s these setbackss that highlight problematic areas to be focused on.

At least this is my experience.

 

[Freida]

I’m pretty upset with myself for not effectively communicating how I’m doing or answering her questions well. Unfortunately I was at the mercy of I guess what my mind was stuck on in this moment.

I get this -- I blather on regularly in therapy and sometimes never get to the point. We call them my squirrels. It's usually a indication that there is something bubbling below the surface that I need to address but I can't till I get the current thought that is blocking it out of the way.

You might think about taking her the post you started this thread with. It could serve two ways -- first, by showing her what was going thru your mind at the time, and then to also answer the question about what you should do if you leave therapy and realize you left something unsaid.

 

[Sandstone]

But you did answer effectively. At that moment the worst part was the one that held most power over you, and it was the one you spoke about.

At another time, it will be another aspect. You need to work through it all at some time, and you used this session for that part.

 

[SeekingUnderstanding]

Thanks guys. You are correct - I wasn’t being dishonest at all. That was/is the pressing issue at the moment. Still not sure if I should email? Wait ?

I am having hard time bringing myself back - so I may text her to see if I can come in earlier this week if I’m still feeling bad. I hate to do it, and struggle with when it’s ok to ask for more help. I worry I’m too difficult - I don’t want her to cut me off - she has helped me so so much, her methods work and I trust her. I’m just struggling a little more lately.

 

[Freida]

I’m just struggling a little more lately.

Tell her. My Ts have beat into my head they would rather I come in more often and not need to than wait to come in when I'm undone. Mostly because it makes their job harder :laugh:

 

[Abstract]

One thing comes up and you deal with that. Then the next thing comes up and you deal with that, And so on and so on. Someone once said to me that its not that new trauma/concerns arises and rather that different things demands attention at different times. I know some stuff has totally scrambled my brain and relationships before that I can now look at with perspective. I go into obsession mode. It sounds like your only regret is that you viewed the rest of your trauma through the lens of this obsession when you were in the middle of it. She has to be used to that. The only thing you now need to deal with is communicating the wider perspective. You can do it.

 

[grit]

Seekingunderstanding,

Your name tag is interesting to me and it sort of relates my take on your post.
First and foremost I am so happy for you in your journey and finding out exactly where you are and what you are doing.
I feel your progress with this therapist by your repeated comments about you not wanting to email or contact until next time - that to me sounded like you are truly in a good footing in terms of progress.

I will now comment on your post here. I think, and I am sorry if this is off, your whole problem is not so much you screwed up on response or talking about your trauma and where you get stuck on - these are all right and your progress and your story and expression, BUT, your biggest upheaval at this point (in my opinion) is you feel as if you are trying so hard to please your therapist. You are feeling you failing her by getting stuck on such a minor thing (in your judgement of yourself of course). To most of us here it seems like the topic and your reaction to the conversation were normal and natural but you are keen and focus on having the therapist not understanding or agreeing or liking you is more of a problem for you.

Some one said above (sorry cannot remember) that even bad sessions have reason and purpose. I think this session is more about why are you so bend on pleasing your therapist or having her to see you in certain way and I think this relates to your trauma some ways. Her feelings are above your feelings.

I hope when you see her next time you are focused why you lost your coolness about what she feels and sees in you....that is why we go to therapy. Every feeling we have toward the therapist is something we did in the past (most of the time). I think the fact you like your therapist but you are very concerned she was not "happy" about your response is the culprit point that you are not dealing with.

Hope this makes sense at least in thought if not what you are dealing with.

 

[SeekingUnderstanding]

@grit i actually don’t think that’s the case.

A component is that I am concerned that I don’t open up or communicate well which in turn causes me to be frustrated with myself later. A minor component is that I don’t want anybody (including her) to see that disheveled side of me - but that’s the extent of it I think.

 

[grit]

@grit i actually don’t think that’s the case.

A component is that I am concerned that I don’t open up or communicate well which in turn causes me to be frustrated with myself later. A minor component is that I don’t want anybody (including her) to see that disheveled side of me - but that’s the extent of it I think.

But that is precisely the problem.
What happens if others see you that way which you are? and so what?saying that is minor thing is also an interesting choice of words.
Nothing is minor in therapy.