How to stand by my girlfriend even if she wants to break up?

[Mygfhasptsd]

Hi.. I been falling in love for this girl for the last 6 months and I'm confused what to do....
Things were great from the beginning..we clicked,we laughed. We talked..and I fell in love...after 2 months things changed a bit and the day came where she told me she had some issues with relationships..and why she behaves in a certain way..she was raped two years ago and she was dealing with all of it..thats why she moved away from usa to another country to deal with it and get some space, I accepted that and also told her I will stand by her no matter what..but obviously I didn't have a clue how it would work out or how it would affect our relation and me..
I started reading about ptsd,and how it effects her daily life...I understand it better now and I know many times things have nothing to do with me, and that she needs her space...she has been going through a lot now and she will be going back to her home country soon..so she told me that a long distance relationship would never work and that it would only make it harder for her in her state of mind... I understand that and I want to respect her decision..
A lot of times I feel that she pushes me away,cause the closer we get,the more scary it is for her..she says its normal..whenever she is in a relationship,she starts to act weird after 2-3 months..
But I feel she is trying very hard with us..to be able to tell me about the rape and her suicide attempts ,I know that was very hard for her..and I'm sure there has to be some sort of trust level for her to confide in me about this...
She will be leaving soon and I don't know what to do anymore now and when she is gone...

My big question is: how can I still show her that I love her and that I will always be there for her no matter what? Should I allow her that distance for now, let her return home and deal with her demons?
Do I ignore her wish, and realise she is just pushing me away to make things easier for herself? And I make sure I'm there for her?
Or do I move on with my own life..?

 

[Hojay]

This is a painful situation and it looks like both of you are doing your best to be open and honest throughout it. Given the impeding distance between you two and her expressed difficulties in keeping up relationships as is, it seems wisest to stay realistic about the prospects.

Something happened to her that had nothing to do with you and that, even in the best of circumstances, love does not have the power to heal. For some it takes years to regain a sense of normalcy and control over their lives. Trust her to know what she is and isn’t capable of at the moment.

Though I’m sure she will appreciate the fact that you are “there for her,” the most respectful, helpful, and even healing thing you can do for her is to respect her wishes and let her go. She needs to feel like she has agency in her life and can make choices for herself that others respect. Give her that. Don’t be the guy who overrides her own sense of agency and claims to know what’s best for her.

Plus, the last thing you want is to put yourself in a waiting position for someone who has already expressed that they don’t want to continue. That’s an awful, soul, heart and time sucking position to be in even without something as unpredictable as PTSD in the mix.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

This is a painful situation and it looks like both of you are doing your best to be open and honest throughout it. Given the impeding distance between you two and her expressed difficulties in keeping up relationships as is, it seems wisest to stay realistic about the prospects.

Something happened to her that had nothing to do with you and that, even in the best of circumstances, love does not have the power to heal. For some it takes years to regain a sense of normalcy and control over their lives. Trust her to know what she is and isn’t capable of at the moment.

Though I’m sure she will appreciate the fact that you are “there for her,” the most respectful, helpful, and even healing thing you can do for her is to respect her wishes and let her go. She needs to feel like she has agency in her life and can make choices for herself that others respect. Give her that. Don’t be the guy who overrides her own sense of agency and claims to know what’s best for her.

Plus, the last thing you want is to put yourself in a waiting position for someone who has already expressed that they don’t want to continue. That’s an awful, soul, heart and time sucking position to be in even without something as unpredictable as PTSD in the mix.

Hojay, thanks for your reply..

Its been pretty hard on us, and I can't even imagine what's she is going through..
She will be going back next month to USA and I will want to know what's best for her.. I know she left USA for a year to be on her own and to deal with her issues and she needs to go back now to deal with her demons...

The confusing part to me is what to think... Is it that she pushes me away cause she doesn't love me..is it because she can't handle being in a relationship right now? I worry because I know she doesn't confide in many people..and she has with me...should I be a friend to her for now,or should I give her the clean break and space that she needs right now?
Last couple weeks we been trying not to see each other too much,and its hard..every minute of the day I'm thinking of her and what she might be doing or thinking...I want to help her, be there for her..but I'm not sure what's the best way doing that..

I'm learning a lot on this site and hoping talking and getting advice from people here will help me dealing with this,and also making sure I can do the right thing for her and not just us..

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

My biggest question is..once she has dealt with her issue and she feels she can handle a relationship..how do I know she will contact me again or let me know? Will she feel embarrassed or guilty? And therefore not let me know?

How can I tell her that I love her and that I would be there for her again down the road if she is in a better place?
I'm hoping she is going back to USA to deal with her issues and hoping that in the future she can come back again..is that just wishful thinking?

 

[Hojay]

I might be wishful thinking @Holykimhk. You’re dealing with a lot of uncertainties right now and I think your anxieties are normal. PTSD or not, it’s hard when someone pulls away and decides against a relationship.

What makes it so hard with PTSD is that it, paradoxically, gives you more hope that things will be ok. She just needs to deal with her demons, right? It’s just a phase, right? If i just showed her I loved her more and how good I am for her, it’ll heal her, right? I can wait for her to come back to her senses. In other words, it’s a breeding ground for denial. And it’s a breeding ground for trampling over someone’s expressed boundaries. This is always the case, but with survivors of abuse especially: deciding what is best for them despite expressed wishes to the contrary ja disrespectful, not romantic.

All you can do is tell her how strongly you feel about her, that you wish her nothing but health and stability in her life, and that she knows what is best for her, even though it breaks your heart. Then let her go. You can’t for a second control what another person will or won’t do in the future.

And then it’s on to looking why you may be internalizing her choices as her “not loving you.” Why it’s putting you in place to question you and your worth, what is happening within you to think that you need to do xyz to make someone “choose” you. That’s the only thing you can control here: how you let this affect your sense of self, worth, and plans for the future.

 

[Hojay]

And I also need to add: the hope that she’s going back home to deal with her demons and then let you know when she’s ready is quite risky wishful thinking. Recovering from something like this? Think years, not weeks or months. Are you willing to put your life on hold for something that may never happen? You’re going through intense heartbreak right now. It won’t always look this bleak. Don’t put yourself in a bind by letting her go under the assumption she will come back. That’s painful denial and wishful thinking that can really hold you back for a long, long time.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

Thank you for your wise words and advice..is there anything else I could do? Be there for her as a friend and not put any extra pressure on her as in a relationship? Or should I just respect her wishes and let her go and trust she will contact me whenever she is ready for any contact? I'm guessing that's the most scary part for me..the unknown..but I also realise this isn't about me..

 

[Friday]

Should I allow her that distance for now, let her return home and deal with her demons?

You don’t really get to allow someone to break up with you.

You can fight for the relationship, instead of “respecting that a long distance relationship won’t work” & try and convince her to stay in it. But if she wants to break up and move away? At the end of the day there’s nothing -moral- you can do about that.

My biggest question is..once she has dealt with her issue and she feels she can handle a relationship..how do I know she will contact me again or let me know? Will she feel embarrassed or guilty? And therefore not let me know?

You don’t know. And neither can she. If she’s ready in 5 years, will you be married with a toddler riding on your shoulders? Will you miss out on the love of your life for someone you dated for a few months and didn’t hear from for 5 years? Will she be married with a toddler riding around on her shoulders, whilst you’re still waiting on her? These aren’t questions anyone can answer. Not even the two of you. Much less anyone else. Right now? You’re ending your relationship. Beyond that? Is anyone’s guess.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

So the best thing to do is just move on with my life, wish her all the best and hope for the best... How can I still help her with her issues..even as I friend?

 

[Friday]

So the best thing to do is just move on with my life, wish her all the best and hope for the best... How can I still help her with her issues..even as I friend?

Carts & Horses.

First maybe try to see if you can be friends after breaking up & long distance. Then, see if she even wants help. If so? You’ll have a better idea of what that could even look like.

 

[Hojay]

s there anything else I could do? Be there for her as a friend and not put any extra pressure on her as in a relationship?

This is the bargaining stage of grief over a lost relationship: “but we can stay friends and then I can keep her in my life.” I’m not saying this is bad, just that it’s normal. From my experience, however, it’s unrealistic and more painful in the long run. Trying to keep a person close by “being friends” merely prolongs the hard hitting effects of a breakup. It you truly are in love with someone, you won’t be able to be friends with them. Your need for intimacy, closeness, and mutual commitment will override any chance of building a true friendship. It’s simply not what you truly want and need.

Also, you can’t “help” her. It’s not your job to help her, heal her or fix her. That would be true even if you were a couple. That’s something all of us supporters have to learn lest we become codependent. You can support in whatever capacity she allows, and right now, it seems like she’s not allowing much. I know how powerless that feels.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

This is the bargaining stage of grief over a lost relationship: “but we can stay friends and then I can keep her in my life.” I’m not saying this is bad, just that it’s normal. From my experience, however, it’s unrealistic and more painful in the long run. Trying to keep a person close by “being friends” merely prolongs the hard hitting effects of a breakup. It you truly are in love with someone, you won’t be able to be friends with them. Your need for intimacy, closeness, and mutual commitment will override any chance of building a true friendship. It’s simply not what you truly want and need.

Also, you can’t “help” her. It’s not your job to help her, heal her or fix her. That would be true even if you were a couple. That’s something all of us supporters have to learn lest we become codependent. You can support in whatever capacity she allows, and right now, it seems like she’s not allowing much. I know how powerless that feels.

This is the bargaining stage of grief over a lost relationship: “but we can stay friends and then I can keep her in my life.” I’m not saying this is bad, just that it’s normal. From my experience, however, it’s unrealistic and more painful in the long run. Trying to keep a person close by “being friends” merely prolongs th

This is the bargaining stage of grief over a lost relationship: “but we can stay friends and then I can keep her in my life.” I’m not saying this is bad, just that it’s normal. From my experience, however, it’s unrealistic and more painful in the long run. Trying to keep a person close by “being friends” merely prolongs the hard hitting effects of a breakup. It you truly are in love with someone, you won’t be able to be friends with them. Your need for intimacy, closeness, and mutual commitment will override any chance of building a true friendship. It’s simply not what you truly want and need.

Also, you can’t “help” her. It’s not your job to help her, heal her or fix her. That would be true even if you were a couple. That’s something all of us supporters have to learn lest we become codependent. You can support in whatever capacity she allows, and right now, it seems like she’s not allowing much. I know how powerless that feels.

Its this hopelessness which is probably the hardest part for me..when things were great we communicated so openly and honest with each other, even when she told me about the things that happened to her...and now suddenly being pushed away makes me realise things are different and there's nothing I can do about it..and I don't want to let her go out of selfishness or maybe the thought I can help her...but reading this website and talking to people with experience how to deal with people with PTSD..I get it step by step..that we both need to move on... I can't help her unless she wants to help herself or my help eventually...until then I need to respect her wishes and let her go...

When she told me we needed to have a break we cried the whole night and just tried to accept the fact...but couple days later she came to my house and told me about her suicidal thoughts she had previously... This is where I get more confused...why is she telling me this?