Hi @grit thanks so much.
If I am understanding correctly your t was actively trying to discuss transference (in terms of him) when it wasn't a factor. He essentially was putting his own stuff into the therapy session. Countertransference. You were just trying to get on with therapy. Past and present co occurring and you trying find yourself in it all. Swimming through reliving and trying to get a hold of that. He wasn't able to keep therapy about you and your story. You knowing your experiences are about you. Not sure if I have that right or not.
Yes Abstract. Thank you for translating it for me into more understandable form. Yes. That is exactly what I meant.
However I will add every single relationship in the world will have some debate, misunderstanding, frustration and therapy relationship is no different- I actually thing this why therapy works. it is the only relationship where things do not supposed to blow up like explosion but work through to learn what I did not learn from my parents - like soothing, mentalizing and truly being connected to a person I do not like at the moment and be OK. Every thing that happens between two people has the power to break it or make it. So you are right the debate was not necessary but I put my foot down to ask him what I wanted and he retreated and we are now in a much better place. I guess he and many other therapists can take different approach but that is why I chose psychodynamic- psychotherapy - where the client is the driver of the treatment.
The way I put meaning to this in my life is: My mother did not give me space and intruded upon me whether to change my full soiled diaper, feed me when I was not hungry cause she had time or not feed me and put me to sleep or left me or whatever else that caused me to dissociate at an early age..my mom's debate was intrusion and impingement on my own little baby life and that created some of the serious issues I am dealing with today in therapy. But in therapy, I am not a baby so even though I may fall back to that pattern set by my mother, I have other humanly things since babyhood today - my own cognition, my own experiences with emotions and my own self agency. So when the therapist, inadvertently, acted like my mother, this time, I had a saying how this experience should turn out. and I was not about to run or hide or dissociate though all these could also result.
Of course, also other things could go wrong. The therapist experience could remind me so much of my past and I could choose to dissociate again in the therapy room. It worked before and it may as well work again. I could be so frustrated and walk out because I can do that today but I could not when I was a baby. There are many ways to do it.
There is an element of luck and mystery in the world about human relationships.
For whatever it is worth it, my experience in the incidents I shared was like re-tramatization. I was beyond transference...I felt into deep depression and felt I was regressing but I chose to speak up because I have had life as an adult where I could speak up (this part I earned by living for so long) and when I spoke up, the therapist for whatever reason (maybe his temperament), listened to me and left me alone unless again I call upon him. This was an absolute amazing human connection I could ever ask for!
It is really hard to articulate but he respected my journey and exploring my own feelings in those dark moments with him present and I have come through it and did not dissociate, did not go into psychosis and actually felt for the first time, wow! I can see how hard this was for me when I was this small. a baby could not handle this much frustration. and I started to break down and have extreme empathy and compassion how hard I fought for my life when I just arrived here.
It was a powerful experience for me but yes it was also the most gut-wrenching 6 months of my life.
Thank you again for clarifying my earlier comments. You wrote them down much better. I can be a bit of blahahahah writer.
