D-day

[FauxLiz]

So back in February when things were on the major downhill slide back in to hell I identified what I called D-day. It was a day significantly far in the future that I decided was going to be my deadline for getting my life on track.

Well D-day is here as in tomorrow there are a lot of reasons why I choose Oct 2 that I won’t get into but I had told my previous T and about a month ago he informed my new T. No issues I had signed consent for them to coordinate care but since then it has been the focal point of out work. We had our regular session tonight and all I could think of was that we were going to get to the end of the session and when I walked out EMS would be waiting to take me to the hospital.

Mentally, emotionally I have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride the past several weeks sometimes from minute to minute what I wanted to do. The thing is in our session today I really blew up at him and while our discussion gave him more than enough ammunition to commit me we agreed to a deal. I was honest that I can’t say I will be 100% safe tomorrow that if I felt myself going under I would call his office and he would call me tomorrow evening.

But for all positive here, I am not in a hospital, we did work through some stuff and tonight I feel like I am doing okay tomorrow will be another story would have been my 25th anniversary with my abusive ex, day my mom died 4 years ago, beginning of 5 months of traumaversaries beginning. Anyway not sure what all this means going to try and stay busy and just get through the day but I am sure I will be back for support.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks for letting us know you're struggling. Your feelings matter and I hear you. Sending love and support to get through this. XO

 

[ladee]

Hearing you. Listening. We will be here for you. See you tomorrow. Ok?

 

[FauxLiz]

@LuckiLee and @ladee thank you for the support. Morning not off to a great start. Seemed to have pinched a nerve in my back and it hurts like heck every time I move or twist or bend. It happened last week, saw dr yesterday gave me muscle relaxers and said if not better by Wed. contact my primary physician. Unless there is a miracle today it is not going to get any better.

 

[scout86]

I try not to give myself deadlines like that. For me, they've never been actually helpful and they've never really worked out like I expected either.

The 25th non-anniversary seems like it could be cause for celebration. I don't know how you felt about your mother, so I won't speculate on that one. Anniversaries? Personally I think those are things where it's totally appropriate to minimize, distract. etc. It's just a date. It has the power we give it. I like the idea of spinning the power dynamic in directions that are helpful. Sooooo, I'm more likely to pay attention to the anniversary of my divorce, but, if I notice the wedding anniversary, it's from the standpoint of "Glad I'm not married to HIM anymore! Thank heavens I was only married to him for 12 years, not 24!"

I wonder if that pinched nerve might be stress related? (It happens to me.)

Take care of yourself! I'm kind of glad to hear you blew up at the new T. Somehow that seems like a good sign.

 

[bellbird]

You did a good thing by reaching out.

getting my life on track

Maybe this doesn't need to be some grand day where the sun shone twice as brightly, and birds sang twice as sweetly.
Maybe it's as simple (though by no means trivial) as writing this post?
After all, this doesn't read to me like getting your life off track. Nor merely sitting still.

Every journey ebbs and flows. And you will get through tomorrow. We are with you.

 

[ladee]

I have a osteoarthritis and Fibro, I just choose to look at it like it shows me I'm still alive. It gets old, I hurt, I get cranky and hope my meds work. Good to hear from you today. This can be a new
'D-Day', the one where you decided that no matter what, we can get thru it together.

Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone for the support. It’s 8:30 here and I just got home went from work to a community about 45 min away to do some shopping and go out to eat. I didn’t want to find myself sitting at home ruminating about the past and fall further into SI or more.

While I was sitting at supper I was thinking of everything that has happened in my life since I set D-day and it’s alot including two hospitalizations but that also reminded me of something that was discussed at length during my second stay at RO. I need to take suicide off the table and retrain my brain that when it perceives danger, fear or any of a dozen other emotions that death/suicide is not the answer. Yes easier said than done but if I don’t try I will never succeed.

 

[Abstract]

I need to take suicide off the table and retrain my brain that when it perceives danger, fear or any of a dozen other emotions that death/suicide is not the answer. Yes easier said than done but if I don’t try I will never succeed

I love that. This is true. Options like that allow these things to get bigger in our minds and take over. One of the things I found helpful was to view those thoughts as a symptom. Of the ptsd or whatever pain I was going through. In fact sometimes just the echos of stuff that happened. Not mine and I don't have to give it extra room in my head. A sort of radical acceptance I suppose. I hope you can hang in there. Give yourself a chance. You have lots happen recently so how you feel now doesnt mean this is how you will feel in the future. Don't debate this as an option if you can.
What you did sounds like a good plan. Sending you much support.