Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

and I won't cancel it

 

[Freida]

your mom is pissed because you are calling her out on her behavior. Which you needed to do!

 

[littleoc]

True beans

Otherwise it won’t quit

Also, does anyone else think it’s funny that I didn’t recognize my ex’s mom who I lived with for like five years at least? Because it occurred to me that that’s hilarious

She was so awkward about me saying hi, lmao

I was telling my sister about it and I said, “I should have been like ‘hey I saved your life once but you don’t know it lol’” and that’s about when I realized how funny it is

Like I’m pretty sure we have the same psychiatrist, so it might even happen again! Her birthday is coming up, but it would be weird to get her something lol

 

[littleoc]

I don’t get why my dad doesn’t feel guilty about things. I mean, yeah, psychopath. But he should at least know logically that he’s being a gigantic asshole.

He grew up rich IN AN IMMIGRANT FAMILY and STILL had his kids grow up in cages without food, barely clothed properly. You know how old I was when I got my first coat? And no, my dad didn’t get it for me. My grandma did.

Makes it weird that’d he compliment me. I mean, sure, he was an alcoholic and a drug addict, but how does one forget to feed their kids even when they’re high as shit? Also, how did his brother’s violent death (long story) not scare him out of that life? Loser

Weirder thing: my mom revealed to me that he prioritized a cat named Dito over my mom. That is, if Ditto was in the bed (he was such a sweet guy, I miss him), my dad would get on my mom’s side and she wouldn’t get to go to bed. For real, my dad was more attached to a cat.

If he knew how cats are, behavior-wise, he’d know Ditto would have been able to sleep on the floor way easier than a human can.

Also, I’m still mad that on Mother’s Day, he forced my grandma (his step mom; technically my step-grandmother? But I don’t even like “half sister” for my sister so she’s just Grandma go me) to buy him a house. Wtf? Didn’t even thank her for being a WAY better mom than his biological mom (who is also well off, and for some reason an elementary school teacher despite crimes against children??).

I’m also mad that I grew up poor for basically no reason. Except my dad’s “typical psychopathic” inability to understand consequences. Even though his mom (step mom) would have gladly stepped in at any moment if he’d even cared enough about us to ask. But no. I’m glad though. I’ll learn how to handle money, like my old car is helping me learn how to care for a car. And like I learned to handle food. And how to avoid drugs so I don’t end up like that. Although I’ve noticed psychopaths do way worse with drugs than normal people. Normal people have a chance to recover and be cool people. Because they like to have meaning in their life that doesn’t involve killing people to feel powerful.

My grandmother would have bought me a car. She is very nonconfrontational and (no offense meant) very enabling. But I chose to work a temp job with no transportation and bike a mile or more a day for work and some minor grocery runs, and bank runs, and more, to buy one myself. My mother chose to help me and that made me feel bad (“made me”? I mean I felt bad, no one forced me), but I didn’t go crying to someone he views as walking money for a nice sports car or whatever. Because I view my grandparents as humans who want to be loved by their family and respected just as much as everyone else.

That said, I’ve never really talked about my grandparents enough in here. They are very complex people.

My little brother decided to go make his own fame instead of rely on theirs.

So my grandparents should, in my opinion, see how we respect them and don’t love them for their money/power, and constantly forget that they have enough to spend, um, 24,000$? On my education? And yes I sent huge thank you notes. I had scholarships as well. Fancy school tho, but yes I feel horrible just typing that amount. Hadn’t done the math yet.

But to cut the costs on them, I took out 17,000$ of student loans and am paying my way through grad school and taking out more loans. So, no. I’m not taking advantage of them. I’m not a guiltless psychopath who doesn’t understand the value of money or HUMAN LIVES IN GENERAL

I mean, he BRAGS to people about how poor we grew up. Like it’s cool. f*cking idiot.

Also also, I wonder if my dad wanted us to like cats. His only love seems to have been Ditto and Lippingcot. I liked them too. I also noticed in his children’s photo album, there were cats. So many cats. I know my dad’s real mom is terrifying. She tried to reconnect with him when I was a little kid, tried to bond with us by taking us kids to another state, where she neglected my sister immediately and dropped the rest of us off at the zoo and had us work there from 8am to 5pm every day lol

I think my dad’s mom’s side of the family just hates children. I bet she raised him with cats and treated him non-humanly also. Couldn’t help but notice that the son he got to deliver with his own hands, who he then named after himself (my little bro), was the one he abuse the most and wanted dead constantly. He told me he liked me the moment I was “forcibly removed in a bloody mess from my mom’s organs,” as he put it. I was a C-section. I was facing the wrong way and was starving my twin brother. My dad LOVED that. Probably hoped I’d be violent like him

What a f*ckwad. I hope he really is cut from the will. I won’t give him a penny

</rant>
Sorry, I couldnt Sleep with that on my mind. My mom reminded me about when car phones first happened, and they were expensive but also expensive to use, and my dad used thousands of dollars of his dad’s money to show off to random ass people.

And then I thought about him and was enraged. I don’t think I’ve ever loved this dude. Felt bad for him, yeah. Felt a connection to his few and far between human qualities and feared a real human was trapped under all that horror, yeah. But I’m guessing it’s too late for that human anyway. I hope he gets cancer and dies

Mostly because I couldn’t hurt him if I tried, even though I’m bigger than him now and he’s STILL afraid of everyone and everything.

If his victims show confidence, he flees. Not kidding. I’ve seen it. So pathetic.

 

[littleoc]

I wonder if that was triggered by seeing Brandi’s mom. I still can’t believe Brandi and Jamie would consider killing her/leaving her for dead. Just what the f*ck, who thinks, in a medical emergency of that nature, “Yeah, let’s just leave her here so she’ll die and it’ll look like natural causes”?

Like, the faceless guy, yeah, I understand why the doctor froze and briefly considered letting him go. With all that vomit coming from a hole. But a breathing problem? No. Not even close to the same thing. That was just selfishness. Disturbing. Who would want to kill their own mom? Even if she was a bad mom, which I did see she was?

Brandi’s mom sucked and was dangerous with all the men she exposed both of us too. But it wasn’t a crime punishable by death, exaxtly. For the record.

 

[littleoc]

You should see the women my dad prays on. Always similar type of people. My mom is cool, I didn’t like the other women. He’s impress them and act nice and admit he was scared of people which would make them put their guard down. For my mom and earlier, that was his way of forcing marriage, before things went sound. He was looking for money sources (and not caring how poor they were, because the more poor, the less education and more likely they’d find him normal, according to him).

As in, stupidly, my mom was lucky. The murder attempts on her failed.

Not so with the last two. And I’m infuriated that there isn’t enough evidence to arrest him. HE HAS THE MENTAL ABILITY OF A THIRD GRADER. Yeah, he’s book smart, but what does that mean? That he probably googled things like “how to kill someone and get away with it” and maybe that’s why he kept saying weird things about acid and Jesus that time he told me in WEIRD detail when I was in high school what a dead body he saw looked like? Is that not suspicious enough?? Are his parents protecting him from arrest somehow?? I doubt it, they’re probably in denial. It must be very, very hard to be a highly respected family with a shitstain like that clouding it up

Or, it better be denial, or I will be very upset. My grandparents protecting him from being homeless but he deserves to be.

Maybe Cheryl’s brother will find him again and beat him up again. He apparently sexually assaulted her and then broke into her apartment after, only to find her Very Angry brother sitting on the couch waiting to f*ck him up

I wish she’d have called a lawyer though. The judge in my county is sexist and wouldn’t accept that my dad was dangerous. I was like three or something when I witnessed him trying to kill my mom, and made my autistic brother deaf, but I also had to swallow that the judge felt that my mom “provoked him.”

Which I don’t get how that happened because why get him into prison and then not get a lawyer? Is that a poverty thing?

My mom was ACTUALLY poor, so that sucks a lot

 

[littleoc]

My dog is really cute and I like her a ton

@Freida no need to answer this if you don’t want to provide too much personal info, but if you want to: why is your dog different looking? I picture him looking like a funny-faced blue eyed guy for some reason, like the curved faces of that one breed... the .... something terrier? Boston?

 

[littleoc]

I looked it up, I was thinking of a bull terrier

 

[littleoc]

Reasons my mom is muttering angrily and cussing out the cat:

I mentioned I had the door mostly closed to keep the cold air out in passing

No wonder I’m nervous telling her anything. I need to find a way to not feel the need to go up and explain myself aggressively, which I can’t do anyway because I’d go mute

But that’s just a stupid reason to get mad. The reason it’s so hot upstairs is because she unfixed everything I did to get the air conditioner up there because flowing air annoys her. So that’s cool, the rest of the house gets to be cold as shit and wasting tons of energy and contributing to my bird’s sickness

She’s already over it but muttering insults is probably one of my biggest triggers. My dad would mock me for hours straight until someone snapped. I don’t take kindly to it and at the very least it is incredibly disrespectful.

Like, why does she even do that? Who has a normal conversation and then mutters angrily the moment the door is slightly shut about how “well you’re the one doing this, I didn’t do anything” when I didn’t even address the topic that way?? I just said I didn’t want my bird in the cold air! That’s a reasonable thing to say, right??


Uuuuugh it was easier taking care of other people’s moms and dads in the nursing home

 

[littleoc]

What is even the goal? To feel powerful?? To be passive aggressive? To start a fight?

One time she did that and blamed me for something, had to do with that time that I told her that hitting cats just makes them MORE aggressive, not less. I got extremely angry because wtf and I went into the room she was in like “what was that? Do we need to talk?” And she lied and said she’d said something about tape.

So she thinks I’m deaf I guess and also thinks it’s fine to just randomly be rude in a way that doesn’t improve communication at all?

 

[Freida]

Also also, I wonder if my dad wanted us to like cats.

I think your dad might have wanted you to BE cats. Just saying -- if thats how he felt it explains a lot about the cage and such

And then I thought about him and was enraged. I don’t think I’ve ever loved this dude. Felt bad for him, yeah. Felt a connection to his few and far between human qualities and feared a real human was trapped under all that horror, yeah. But I’m guessing it’s too late for that human anyway. I hope he gets cancer and dies

Who has a normal conversation and then mutters angrily the moment the door is slightly shut about how “well you’re the one doing this, I didn’t do anything” when I didn’t even address the topic that way?? I just said I didn’t want my bird in the cold air! That’s a reasonable thing to say, right??

sooooo... how to put this...??? I LOVE that you are getting angry with them! Not sure if that's the feedback your T wants you to have but I'm excited to see it. It's ok to love them as your parents and still be angry with them at all the abuse you had at their hands. So much of your childhood was just damned unfair and then it drove you into the brandi cluster. But now you are showing the anger that I'm guessing you've been bottling up. And I think that's a good thing....

@Freida no need to answer this if you don’t want to provide too much personal info, but if you want to: why is your dog different looking?

He is a mix of breeds (who knows what) and came out looking like a walking teddy bear. Seriously. Hes about 60 pounds, pure black and sort of curly fur - but not really. Think poofy. Really poofy.

People LOVE him. I get stopped constantly -- "what is he?' "oh he's so fluffy!!' (yea, picture the despicable me girl with her unicorn). People guess everything from airdale to newfie.... and they so badly want to pet him. I even have to admit its cruel to go thru places with him and tell people they can't pet him. Id send a pic but......he's pretty distinctive. :0

 

[mumstheword]

What is even the goal? To feel powerful?? To be passive aggressive? To start a fight?

One time she did that and blamed me for something, had to do with that time that I told her that hitting cats just makes them MORE aggressive, not less. I got extremely angry because wtf and I went into the room she was in like “what was that? Do we need to talk?” And she lied and said she’d said something about tape.

So she thinks I’m deaf I guess and also thinks it’s fine to just randomly be rude in a way that doesn’t improve communication at all?

You are so reasonable, mature, compassionate and amazing @littleoc, it is a testement to your outstanding character.
I think she's being passive-aggressive and it shows a lack of maturity and self control. Don't take it to heart (although saying that, I realize that that is a tall order, especially as it's your mum) . You hold your own though! I reckon you are practising better and better boundaries all the time.Yay you @littleoc! Lots of love, gorgeous.:-) :hug: :hug: :hug: