Relationship The Only Person I Want Is My Wife, But Intimacy Has Gone

[NPS]

Hi Everybody

Here is an update on my situation.

Within the past 2 weeks, we had 2 deaths in the family. One on her side (unexpected) and one on my side (expected but still sad). A lot of emotions and stress in the house. My wife has not seen her therapist in 3 weeks and she seemed ok. However the other night the phone rang and we both didn't recognize the number so she answered it. It was her therapist asking her if she wants to make an appointment and why he hasn't heard from her. After the phone call she went into a mini nervous breakdown. She stated she doesn't ever want to see him again and she just wishes she could tell him that.

Then the anger was directed toward me saying she is changed as a person (and not for the better) and it is my fault. She never uses swear words but used the "f" word three times that day. This all started when we went to marriage counseling to find out why she doesn't want to be intimate and 2 therapist later (one marriage counselor and one psychotherapist) here we are. It is like she has been awoken from a long nap and the fire and emotion I have never seen is here. However, that emotion is directed toward me and all I want her to do is for her to get better.

Her appointment with her therapist is Wednesday and I know on Tuesday she will start with the rage. I have emailed her therapist and told him what is going on in our lives and that she is greatly afraid of him at this point. Any advice anyone? If I didn't truly love her so much and am greatly attracted to her I would try to leave but I can't. I am truly being tortured because I just want to hold her and make everything go away but I can't. The thing that hurts the most is that she feels I have done this to her. I want nothing more for her to be happy. Does that mean she would be better off without me? I am confused, lonely and stressed.

 

[ISupportHer]

I know it is difficult for you. I guess the main thing I want to say is to try to remember that PTSD and the trauma of what happened to her is not YOUR fault nor is it HER fault. I do believe that a carer can influence things positively or negatively. You probably have read other posts where people will remind someone not to take things personally. Easier said than done. It is the fault of whatever the trauma was, or persons if that is the case. They and PTSD are the enemy, not each other.

ISH

 

[NPS]

My wife officially quite therapy with her psychotherapsit today. She wanted to "take a break." I know that it is a permanant break. What does my future hold?

NPS

 

[ISupportHer]

I can identify with your anxiety and fear of what the future holds. I can't say I know specifically how you feel but I would bet it's close. Sorry I can't get into personal details here.

Not easy at all. It's in her hands but you can still encourage and gently show your concern without coming on too strong, which is counterproductive. I hope you get some other support here as well as comments from others.

I hear your frustration loud and clear but I think you have been through lots of ups and downs. A break from therapy may seem permanent now but may not be later. Not sure if this is her first therapist but so many have gone to VERY many therapists until they get the right match of someone that they trust at a time when they are finally ready for the work of therapy. My opinion, granted, but I still see it as hopeful.


ISH

 

[NPS]

Hi Everybody
I was thinking about talking to a professional myself. Does anyone have any recommendations on what I should look for? Should I be looking for a clinical psychologist, marriage/family counselor or clinical social worker? Should I look into he/she specilaizes in PTSD? Man or woman? Any input would be helpful.
Thanks
NPS

 

[Nicolette]

IMHO I would suggest you find a professional who expertises in PTSD. Being male I think a male professional would be more likely to 'speak your language' as women tend to 'over talk' for most men (genetical difference and not sexist).

 

[ISupportHer]

Well, male perspective, LOL. I tried twice. Both were males, one was a social worker and one was a Psychologist. Quite frankly, I had trouble really being honest with the intimacy details with another guy. If I ever decide to try again, I'll try a female. My decision for the ones I tried were basically the 2 my Dr. suggested. I tried one then later tried the other.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

Question for you ISH....would you be able to talk more intimately with a women? If yes, can you talk intimately with your wife?

Reason for asking is I know some men who would consider themselves less 'manly' if they were to confide in a woman.

 

[NPS]

I was looking at a woman clinical psychologist that has a practice in my hometown. Has talking to a professional helped anyone on this forum? Also another question: can her PTSD symptoms manifest into physical symptoms? My wife has gained about 15 lbs (I still think she looks great) and underwent a radical hair change. My family keeps asking me what is going on with her?
NPS

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear NPS, -a bit off topic- perhaps that's not helping matters- could it be the family is too involved? (doesn't sound that 'radical' to be a topic for discussion, or am I way off base? People change their appearance every day but it's their life to choose/ lead as they feel inclined, not a big deal if you're busy with 'your own' life.)

That may be a bit intimidating, re: intimacy/ relaxing etc. I know for myself with ptsd you don't necessarily want to become 'the topic of conversation', (let alone feel that you have to 'explain why' you are doing what other people do and take for granted they have the option to do, every day).

 

[ISupportHer]

Question for you ISH....would you be able to talk more intimately with a women? If yes, can you talk intimately with your wife?

Reason for asking is I know some men who would consider themselves less 'manly' if they were to confide in a woman.

I am beyond worrying about if I am manly. I am comfortable in who I am and what I want. Frankly, I have tried to reach out to other guys. Many times. Just doesn't happen. So, I have close friends online that are women. Friends, NOT the same as a "relationship". But yet so very trusting.

As for my wife (sorry hun if you are reading this) I try every day. Every day. I just do what I can do and do not take ownership of any inability, on her part, of not being able to open up. It has not always been this way. I do see glimpses and that is what sustains me.

PTSD changes everyone, Sufferer and Carer alike. For Carers, I think we have some control over HOW it changes us. At least after the initial panic stage. IF we can get past that stage.

ISH

 

[NPS]

I see alot of people are following this so I will update everyone. Yesterday we had a breakthrough of sorts. As I keep telling her to talk to me when she feels ready, she finally opened up. She told me she is scared of the future (as I said I was too). She wants to resume therapy but dosent know when or how. She also told me she could never love me they way I love her and it would be OK to leave if I choose. She feels like she is inadequate (as she has NO self esteem and self image). She stated I would be better off without her and I deserve someone else. I told her I wanted nobody else. She also said she will never feel sexual and has NO sexual feelings. At this point we still dont know anything of what happened to her but it is obvious that she was sexually molested in the past right? Anyway I told her I was so happy for her to finally communicate something with me. She concluded with, "I am sorry you ended up with me." Now I am concerned with her own safety as she seems very depressed. She told me she could never hurt herself, that the kids need her. I read something somewhere that marriage is the spark that ignites the bomb of past abuse. Any input would help.
NPS