Can you lose your soul? PTSD and emotional "reduction"

[manyquestions]

Hello great people from the myptsd forum,

This is my first thread here.
I have some questions. After the trauma 2 years ago I've had problems with a splitted self and a general chaos in my brain related to emotions, aggresion and other aspects of the soul.
After 2 years of trying to treat myself I've had some setbacks recently as well as not enough/not so empathic social support. Despite all I've tried I feel even more emotionless and soulless as I did in the beginning although my ptsd symptoms improved. I yelled at a family member viciously recently as they were completly oblivious to my state of mind and ptsd problems which was triggered by a flashback.
I've tried alot of drugs to keep my old self alive and it worked for a time but now I feel like my soul has died. Is this possible? Am I going crazy? Will these "higher emotions" ever come back? Does dissociation feel like that? I had a really strong, sensitive soul before the trauma occured. I want my emotions back.
An Example: Although I am an agnostic/atheist I've often experienced strong reactions going into churches. There was an element of sacredness and the vibrations were also very strong. Now it basically feels like I'm looking at matter that was built by human beings. The world feels much more mundane and I am often lost in existential questions.

I really appreciate all answers and thank you in advance,
manyquestions

 

[grit]

It sounds like you are having acute symptoms and maybe in true crisis. do you have therapist you can get some support?
You are not crazy or anything like that. You are just hurting and trying to keep the body and the mind and it is exhausting when we are in crisis.

 

[somerandomguy]

Echo grit above about the therapist. PTSD is not self-treatable.

So ... some bad news for you is that you're never going to return to being the person you were before your trauma. Your brain has changed irrevocably. This fact may require some significant grieving and/or anger on your part.

The good news is that you are still "yourself." You're going to be a different version of yourself. Your task in healing is to decide and discover what that version of yourself looks like. If your soul was strong and sensitive before, there's no reason why it won't continue to be strong and sensitive following your trauma. It's going to be strong and sensitive in a new way.

Souls don't die. You still exist. The old you is gone. The new you will take some time to emerge. Help yourself by letting others help you on this journey.

 

[Reflections]

Short answer: no you can't lose your soul. What you describe sounds like dissociation, maybe a dissociation disorder if it's chronic. It can feel like you've lost your soul.

I feel like my soul has died. Is this possible? Am I going crazy? Will these "higher emotions" ever come back? Does dissociation feel like that? I had a really strong, sensitive soul before the trauma occured. I want my emotions back.

I relate to this a lot, I dissociative 24-7 for years. Sometimes I feel like my soul had depleted. I'd just get more and more depleted no matter how much time passes. Most of the time I felt nothing from the world around me. It lost it's vibrancy. It's life. It's like being in a room that's eerily silent, on an emotional level. I think depression and dissociation can both play a part in this, dissociation being the bigger factor. I spent 15 years going it alone because I am smart, independent, had good support, and a strong faith. That isn't enough. I was functioning but not able to feel like I use to. I'm getting therapy now and have access to better help and info. I can feel again. It's not 24-7 or always at the same strength, but it's getting better. My goal in therapy is to have the capacity to "feel again" and that isn't a farfetched or unobtainable goal. Nothing in litature nor professionals have suggested that I can't.

Some drugs can make dissociation worse or trigger Depersonalization/Derealization. Please be mindful! While anxiety and depression can be treated with drugs, dissociation disorders aren't helped by drugs.

 

[LuckiLee]

J and I have talked about this before. He (and I) feel as though his soul was wounded. To see and live through the barbaric things "man" can do?? Changes even the soul. XO

 

[Ronin]

Changes even the soul.

While getting very much where everyone is coming from with that soul angle, and what not...

I was also taught that souls are retrievable, renewable, returnable, and other Now Is Not Forever Miserable, things. :sneaky:

So there for anyone thinking the damage is soul deep.

 

[LuckiLee]

And that's what we're all working on. ^^^ xo :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi and welcome.
I hope you are getting the right help.

Just my take and my beliefs: I don't believe the very very central core of us changes. Its the outside packaging and the other stuff that does including the way we see ourselves etc. A lot of what you are describing can merely be about physiological stuff. Being in fight and flight. Being in trauma. Being maybe sleep deprived. Being dissociated. How we think and react can be quite different when in these than is reflected in who we actually are. Its probably not your soul that is making you feel aggressive and removed. Just your amygdala. How we actually behave of course matters.
Maybe you need to be kind to your soul.

 

[Freida]

I think your soul changes. It can't not if you have been thru something horrible enough to leave you with ptsd. But you don't lose it. It's still there. A bit bumped and bruised. But still there

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like dissociation and emotional numbing, not the “death of the soul”.

ie we are talking treatable over time, not overly dramatic and finite.

In other words, there is hope. :)

 

[Deanna]

I feel this way sometimes but I don't dwell on it anymore. Basically because I can't change it. Acceptance is a new self and making that work for just me, some days. Other days it's for others and then they both suddenly come together with time.

This thinking is not loss of soul but nostalgia of what might have been seen as overly sensitive. On the the opposite of that side, there is huge imbalance of the old soul.

The new soul works but its not perfect.

 

[manyquestions]

Wow so many good answers! I feel relieved I'm not the only one who goes through this. I try to follow your advice and learn from your experience.
So a little bit of additional info why I think I "lost" my soul . After I had the traumatic experience I panicked and tried to safe my old self as good as possible as it was clear that a lot of pain/of the trauma wasn't processed and my self was severly wounded. The problem was my unempathic behaviour toward some family members at the time which was caused by a high dose of a pain killer called Kratom . ( Anyone who thinks of doing that, taking kratom for PTSD - I advise against it if you're like me. There were some PTSD benefits but they were not worth the price of more aggression and more emotional numbness. Maybe a few small doses here and there can be beneficial but that's it.) I was really disrespectful, I treated them poorly because I felt extremly misunderstood and left alone with my condition. Finally I blamed them for what happened to me which isn't too far-fetched but also not really fair. In hindsight I barely understand my own behaviour anymore . Maybe I've become evil in my dissociated, drug induced state of mind? How does it feel to become evil? I know how this all probably sounds but I was so sure that I could "rescue" my old self and I didn't. I judge myself for not being able to keep it alive. I'm despereatly trying to make sense out of these experiences. Maybe thats what @somerandomguy and @Deanna's Gap meant . Maybe I just have to accept it. Maybe this was inevitable? After the fight with a close family member I mentioned in my first post my old self was/felt gone. I felt like an empty shell and I suddenly missed a warmth inside me that was always more or less present in my life before .. Like a hole in my head where there was "me and my emotions" before. Maybe this is depersonalization?
So a clarifying question might be: If you're depersonalized at the moment - Do you also have trouble reading the minds of other people or seeing them as individuals? The phenomenon I'm describing here has precisely this effect. As I "don't see/feel myself", other people are a mystery to me too in this state of mind as they're simply "walking faces". I can make logical assumptions based on their apperance and the context but I'm not able to really read other people as I was able before being in such a state.

Although my high sensitivity was not conducive for living in this society I was quite fond of it actually. It gave life more meaning sometimes and made it more bearable for me. A little bit paradoxic.

I have a therapist but I will probably have to change to a ptsd specalized therapist. I also want to do something else but at the moment I'm paralyzed.

To be honest it really feels like crisis. It is a crisis.

I relate to this a lot, I dissociative 24-7 for years. Sometimes I feel like my soul had depleted. I'd just get more and more depleted no matter how much time passes. Most of the time I felt nothing from the world around me. It lost it's vibrancy. It's life. It's like being in a room that's eerily silent, on an emotional level. I think depression and dissociation can both play a part in this, dissociation being the bigger factor. I spent 15 years going it alone because I am smart, independent, had good support, and a strong faith. That isn't enough. I was functioning but not able to feel like I use to. I'm getting therapy now and have access to better help and info. I can feel again. It's not 24-7 or always at the same strength, but it's getting better. My goal in therapy is to have the capacity to "feel again" and that isn't a farfetched or unobtainable goal. Nothing in litature nor professionals have suggested that I can't.

Some drugs can make dissociation worse or trigger Depersonalization/Derealization. Please be mindful! While anxiety and depression can be treated with drugs, dissociation disorders aren't helped by drugs.

That's it!! This is exactly what I'm experiencing right now. The description of the silence and loss of vibrancy. It is such a frightening, uncomfortable experience. It's a zombie-like state that feels closer to death to me than anything I've experienced so far. I hope we all will feel (normal) again one day.