Thank you both for replying
Prior to his death, I had no real compression of what anxiety was or felt like. I did have stressful times and a stressful job, but was very social and was never bothered at all by crowded places or events. The person I was is the complete opposite of the person I am now....
I was first seen by a psychiatrist as I knew I was going to need help getting tbrough the tragic loss. I never had any trouble sleeping, I used to joke that sleeping was my favorite hobby because I loved to sleep in on the weekends. But from the first night without him, I couldn't sleep. I was given valium, which didn't help me sleep more than 30 minutes, at which time I'd have a nightmare and wake up hysterical. In the 6 months I was put on a coctail of meds to help me sleep and help with the flashbacks I was experiencing. I agreed to admit myself into the psych ward so that my doctor could attempt to medicate me enough to sleep in a hospital setting, because I had trouble with low blood pressure causing fainting with some medications. After a week and adjustment to meds, I was finally able to sleep better and started seeing a neuropsychologist, both doctors diognosed me with PTSD and I started therapy with EMDR.. but could never calm down during the sessions....
In addition to medications, Therapists and specialists tried trauma EMDR, positive EMDR, CBT, lots of homework sheets to reconnect with emotions.. I didn't realize that I was only using words that described physical feelings rather than emotions. Group therapy for PTSD, Suicide Survivors, and Grief/loss as well as Yoga and breathing/ meditation classes. The only improvement is that I don't appear to be hysterical when I have panic attacks, but being hysterical and/or vomiting seemed easier than losing consciousness.
In addition, I was hospitalized with a pulmonary embolism just after the first year anniversary and had a DVT the following year, at which time I was put on blood thinners for life and requires me to get my blood checked once a week. Within 6 months of the pulmonary embolism, a lump was found in my breast requiring a lumpectomy which then required a second surgery of a partial mastectomy and reduction for the other breast. It was contained, and benign but I have follow up care as I am at high risk for developing breast cancer. Developed A-Fib and like many wirh PTSD, my resting BPM is always 115+. So Half of my appts are for PTSD, but I also developed high maintenance medical issues that require frequent appts. I am so extremely exhausted all of the time, and have to drag myself to appts, but am too tired to do anything else. I try visit my parents once a week who live only 2 miles from me, but they don't visit me and are frustrated with the fact that I have not gotten better and aren't very understanding. I do my best to not let them witness symptoms because it is very scary for them. My son lives a few hours away, has a busy life, and I try to protect him from any extra concern.. but he gets frustrated with me not being able to go places like I used to, even though he has witnessed several severe panic attacks and had to rush me to the hospital. They are the only people that I have any contact with besides my doctors....
I have been told that the success of treatments have been delayed because mindfulness and being in the moment doesn't provide relief from the trauma connected to the memory of the moment of his death. Being in the moment just triggers the same traumatic sinking feeling that he is gone. I didn't expect that ever be in such a debilitated state, especially for so many years.. although it doesn't seem like that much time has passed. I keep trying, keep going to appts.. but I am so so so exhausted. I have been surviving for the sake of my parents and my son. I would give anything to be able to stop pushing myself to go to all of my doctor appts and just be able to rest in bed for however long. I am so so tired.
