Ptsd poetry anyone?

[Changing4Best]

Thoughts on the Rocks

I had a rock collection
when I was a kid
all the colors of the rainbow
were under the lid.

My grandfather made a shelf
so I could display them all
so I had a place for my books
all my rocks, and my ball.

These were the times
after my parents rescued me
away from the evil one
setting me mercifully free.

I'd have liked to have thrown
every rock in his face
to see his blood run down
like caked up mace.

Then again that would stain
my beautiful rocks all up
daddy should have punched him
so his blood would fill his cup.

I will keep my rocks safe
just as I will keep my person
lock all my doors shut tight
until each night is done.

 

[frogthroat]

Boil

Chicken skin, lips, and assholes ground into dirt. Nothing's sacred. Deli counter reeks so strangely. Sanitary. Death has a sweet scent. I've become a furnace bellowing. My heart is immolated. My bones crack and sputter in this heat; curdling, boiling all my meat. My lips shrink back from my teeth as you rip out my jugular. Focus on my weakness and hurt me. I build a fortress from my failures. Life is like pornography. It's so staged and humiliating. A bathroom meatshow in a bar. I laugh sometimes still. There's no oxygen. I can't breathe. I have as much dignity as a T.V. psychic. The muscle is marbled and lean. My fingers smell like garlic and blood. I claw at myself. Such a drama queen. I have nothing to be upset about.

 

[frogthroat]

Shadow Monster Man

I can't jump through this hoop. My grease paint melts and forms a manic rainbow in the sand. Every pose I make is unnatural. I grimace in shame and sadness. When I sleep I dream of turgid meat whispering. The teeth grind in my ear carrying stress in my jaw - severed calf head. The chalkware Jesus is contoured with neon lights. I feel my eyes dry out. The ash falls in my mouth. I wish I could really cry. My lips are sandpaper. My nightmares are so involved they bore me. I wake up writhing. I'm dirty and wet. Humiliation keeps me from eating or it drives me to eat globs caked blood and entrails. Naked body censured with the illusion of dignity. I feel this violently stretching me - tearing me. Hunched in grief and confusion. Cattle prod. Electric fence keeps me here. Legs spread. Yelping helplessly. Puppies desperately trying to claw out of a plastic bag. When you punish me I cower in fear. I'm over your knees. Stick your fingers in. Murder me. Pluck every rib and play me like a xylophone. I live in a cartoon snuff film. My deaththroes are adorable in technicolor. My breath stinks like sewage.

 

[lovak]

(Just got inspired by how my mind has worked for years in the flight state)

No time for that

Lists lists lists
Gotta do this
Should do that
Do I want this?
No time for that
Time for a list

Work work work
Gotta do this
Should do that
Do I like this?
No time for that
Time for work

Think think think
What if
What was?
No time for that
Time to think

Think Work Lists
Gotta do this
Should do that
Looking back?
Don't want the past
Time for think work lists

 

[Kintsugi]

Dissociation

Sliding over emotion like
thick silt gathers atop the depth
of a stilled river.
There is no sound below.

 

[frogthroat]

Hopeless

Gotta skin myself alive and turn me inside out. Sew on my button eyes. Gotta find me a god. New varnish for my thin, cracked skin. I want to shine when I let you in. My smile is buzzing with bees. Black dog is on my back. Gotta find me a man. Throw the bouquet into my stain. My casts are starting to stink. The air is rancid with my screams as my windpipe ruptures. The angels smile at me with gold fillings. I am but vessel. Gotta find me a dream. Gotta find me some peace. I run my finger along the seam of the simulation. Gotta find a snake to explain my apples and my menstruation. Go bathe in the pool of Siloam. I want off this ride. Turn me off. Unplug me. I want down from here. Shut me down. Remove me. Pretty in pink and soylent green. Wind-whipped, garish in costume jewelry. Flesh scarecrow come to life - golem of the earth. I want to deconstruct myself. My face droops like raked meat. I just want you to fill me up with anything even if you have to come inside me.

 

[Changing4Best]

DISTRACTIONS

Sometimes annoying
others enjoying
never a dull moment
often enjoyment

Take it as it comes
sometimes as a gift
lighten my load
I catch the drift.

 

[Changing4Best]

Kamikazi Kockroach

In the bright lit kitchen
he blasted forward
running full tilt
aiming head first
for my foot!

We connected
he splattered
what an ugly mess.

He must have been suffering
as I put roach baits out
the other day
to poison them all!

Poor thing.
He didn't have a chance!
He might have fared better
on the Senate floor.

 

[shatter eyes]

I am sad
I am bad
I am mad

I am guilty
I am filthy
I am shitty

Who am I?

I am hippoooopoooponus.
I shake my hips and pooop on us.
I am hippp hippp pooop poooop on us.

 

[Changing4Best]

PROBABLY MY SILENCE SPEAKS MORE

Probably my silence speaks more
than all the words I could use
because there were so many empty words
spoken by you
that my silence has to fill the void
between each of your lies

You had an excuse for everything
a reason for every move you made
your flowery language
was meant to snare me
but you know?

I have been down roads like that before
I have heard it all from men like you
you were not unique in other words
just an ordinary man
looking for whatever you could get
from a woman like me

I wonder how many women you have scammed
how many poor souls have fallen
in the holes between your "sweet" language
never to be seen again
or if they were seen
it was with tears in their eyes
or a frown upon their face
that would not lift

I had a gut feeling about you
when we first met
why on earth didn't I listen to it
there would have been no wasted time
no wasted minutes
just my usual aloneness
not really loneliness
just keeping myself busy
passing the time
in ways that make me happy
so why did I fall for it
for even a minute?

I suppose it was the chance for love.
However, you do not know how to love!
Probably you don't even love yourself.
How could you!
Can you even look yourself in the mirror?
I wonder.... I doubt it.

 

[Changing4Best]

PS. I did not get scammed, he sure tried though!

 

[mumstheword]

I am Naughty auti, autistic, Nauti me.

They thought I was "difficult" naughty, read-y, in-my-own-world quiet, stubborn, aloof, perhaps.
A solitary figure, hiding behind books, in nooks and crannys, preyable-on, inside tortured, drowning, frightened, alone in my suffering, dependant with no-one-to depend-on, alone, so alone, so alone.

I wondered aimless, hopeless, overwhelmed, terrified and not-caring at the same time. I thought I was useless, unlovable, obviously discardable, not-acceptable, not-valuable, empty of social value, not-wired-for-worldly-pursuits.

I didn't know what to do, sick of rapes, being someones else's discardable puppet that won't play, won't participate, believe me, I couldn't, even, if I tried, I am naughty, auti, nauti, Autistic Neri, a very disturbed girl.

Aspergers, brilliant in some ways, delayed in others. No social skills, clunky, learns by intellectualizing, devising ploys to blend in, odd and a little "off", a deep thinker, poetic, fanciful, romantic in the genre sense, an arty, weirdy, wired-differently, oddly pedantic, yet, strained-at-connecting, niave, younger-than-her-years, naughty, auti, nauti Neri, that's me.