Called the Suicide Prevention Line and they Put me On Hold - Now I'm Even More Depressed

[SophiaWisdom]

I called the Suicide Prevention Line a few months ago and they put me on hold for so long I ended up hanging up and calling a friend instead, who, thank God, was home to pick up.

Now, I'm reading how so many people call the Crisis line as a fallback. It pisses me off - that they'll pick up for everyone except me. I've always taken it as a sign that everyone else matters more to this f*ckface world than I do. That even the Universe wants me to kill myself.

I'm also really pissed off at the crisis lines. I remember that night when I was crying uncontrollably afraid I would be dead in just a few minutes, what saved me was 1) my own grad school psych training 2) the thought of some kid calling the hotline, being put on hold indefinitely like I was, but not having the ability to understand what was happening and just offing themselves because the f*ckheads wouldn't pick up. I started praying for these people. I prayed, "God, let me die, but don't let them die." Even then I felt these hypothetical other callers must be more important than me.

I definitely feel seething rage and trauma when I see the hotline number bandied around. When I really needed them, they weren't there. And now, I'll never call them, even though I've needed to more and more lately.

 

[rwenya]

I totally understand and am so glad I'm not the only one who has had such a terrible experience with call lines. I don't even bother with them anymore and yet I always here people telling me they are the way to go if I'm ever feeling scared or like I'm going to do something, but they have never been there for me. Lately with so much going on, my thoughts have been getting worse and every now and again I feel more scared than the last.

Having those special supportive people around you is the most important thing, and has seriously what helped me getting through each day. I will never try those crisis call lines again no matter how much trouble I'm in. I know there is always someone I can call who would actually help.

 

[Mach123]

Hi I'm really sorry. The first time I called them I was in my twenties and that was a long time ago. This time around I called them and my doctor till one of the nurses said "do something about it this time." I did. I signed myself into detox and quit my job. It didn't matter what happened or what was going to happen because I was going to be dead anyway.
But I'm not and I'm not there anymore and you can feel better if I can. I was suicidally depressed for so long. I'm writing for you and for me. I'm grateful, it brings me back. I always want to help when people feel that depression. I wouldn't wish it on someone I didn't like. I hope u feel better.

 

[Teasel]

If it's any consolation out of 2 dozen times calling the national domestic violence helpline they answered once.

I take it as a sign of lack of funding not of my worth.

 

[blackemerald1]

That even the Universe wants me to kill myself.

^^No it doesn't. It wants you to live and DO something about the long cue's or ring your politicians and lobby for more lines, money etc., to cut down the waiting times or help them financially or even volunteer your services when you are feeling better.

The Universe wants so much more than your death... that would be just too easy...

I'm also really pissed off at the crisis lines.

^^Don't take it so personally... they are doing the best they can. They don't actually know you or your current circumstances - only you do. So whilst they were unable to assist you on that night - they likely were helping someone else but would have helped you if you had not hung up.

 

[whiteraven]

^Don't take it so personally... they are doing the best they can. They don't actually know you or your current circumstances - only you do. So whilst they were unable to assist you on that night - they likely were helping someone else but would have helped you if you had not hung up.

When you are in the throes of a severe depression, trying to decide whether you will follow through with your plan to kill yourself, it's hard NOT to take a lack of response from the only people around personally. Although they don't know the people they call personally and they are not familiar with each situation, they DO know - hopefully - that any call they pick up is possibly life or death for the caller.

I don't call hotlines anymore. When I'm on the edge, either I'll figure it out or I won't. I don't rely on anyone who doesn't know me or doesn't really care about *me*.

@SophiaWisdom - I'm really sorry you had this experience. You sound like you are a very strong person (even if you don't feel like it) - maybe you can find someone you know that you can contract with, someone you can call if you need to.

 

[niclear0093]

I called the Suicide Prevention Line a few months ago and they put me on hold for so long I ended up hanging up and calling a friend instead, who, thank God, was home to pick up.

Now, I'm reading how so many people call the Crisis line as a fallback. It pisses me off - that they'll pick up for everyone except me. I've always taken it as a sign that everyone else matters more to this f*ckface world than I do. That even the Universe wants me to kill myself.

I'm also really pissed off at the crisis lines. I remember that night when I was crying uncontrollably afraid I would be dead in just a few minutes, what saved me was 1) my own grad school psych training 2) the thought of some kid calling the hotline, being put on hold indefinitely like I was, but not having the ability to understand what was happening and just offing themselves because the f*ckheads wouldn't pick up. I started praying for these people. I prayed, "God, let me die, but don't let them die." Even then I felt these hypothetical other callers must be more important than me.

I definitely feel seething rage and trauma when I see the hotline number bandied around. When I really needed them, they weren't there. And now, I'll never call them, even though I've needed to more and more lately.

I am so glad you called your friend!! And, no one is more/less important than you are! You were created for a purpose. Never forget that. Have you talked to a counselor? Just wondering, I know that helped me out. I am praying for you!

 

[SophiaWisdom]

When you are in the throes of a severe depression, trying to decide whether you will follow through with your plan to kill yourself, it's hard NOT to take a lack of response from the only people around personally.

Thank you so much for your insightful, knowing response. I'm glad I waited to read that post. It lacks compassion but I feel supported to have you explaining it to the OP. We are all welcome to have our feelings here and not to have them put down, dismissed, or belittled. I'm trying to figure out how to delete that post so others aren't hurt by it or told that they have to just "be stronger" or "think positive" to "cure" suicidal ideation. People have a hard time with suicidal thoughts and even well-meaning people (even my own safe people!) will often say hurtful things unintentionally.

I totally understand and am so glad I'm not the only one who has had such a terrible experience with call lines. I don't even bother with them anymore and yet I always here people telling me they are the way to go if I'm ever feeling scared or like I'm going to do something, but they have never been there for me.

Thank YOU for this! I cannot tell you how much this single comment has buoyed me. Simply to know I'm not the only one who has experienced the agony of your seeming last hope ignore you. Everytime it's suicide prevention month and they go on and on about these hotlines I want to roll my eyes.

I read an article in O magazine from a call line operator who said that most of the calls she received are people feeling lonely or even transportation in the caller's city. All important queries, but that last one especially should have gone to 311 and not tied up the line for those of us white-knuckling to sanity.

Again, not everyone calling is going to have that training that I have and the wherewithal to pop medication that can stop that level of distress. I'm one of the lucky ones who knew to pick up the phone and call someone else, and also God was watching out for me when that person picked up immediately and was free to talk.

I'm writing for you and for me. I'm grateful, it brings me back. I always want to help when people feel that depression. I wouldn't wish it on someone I didn't like. I hope u feel better.

So glad you wrote for all of us! Suffering is suffering and it's unfair and horrible and often meaningless, but when you're able to reach out to another in a similar boat there is a moment of grace, as one of my precious safe people always tells me.

If it's any consolation out of 2 dozen times calling the national domestic violence helpline they answered once.

I take it as a sign of lack of funding not of my worth.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. It's truly atrocious. Yes my first thought that night was lack of resources, but since then after more research and information the reasons seem darker (I wrote in another post in this thread how people are calling crisis lines sometimes just to ask for bus information and that's just too bad)

I am so glad you called your friend!! And, no one is more/less important than you are! You were created for a purpose. Never forget that. Have you talked to a counselor? Just wondering, I know that helped me out. I am praying for you!

Have I talked to... BAHAHAHAHA
If you read my Trauma Diary that's only a fraction of the absolute shitstorm of therapists I've had in my lifetime - I myself went to grad school to be an MFT. My last one lied on my records because she was salty when I told her I didn't feel comfortable with how our sessions were proceeding. You'd be surprised how many shitty/ill-trained counselors and therapists are practicing. Not all are trained in CPTSD interventiond or suicidality, either. If you find a good one - don't let them go!

Thank you for praying always appreciated. Let me know if I can pray for you!

 

[blackemerald1]

they DO know - hopefully - that any call they pick up is possibly life or death for the caller.

Yes.. in my experience the staff that work at these centres take their jobs extremely seriously and know that they are often the last resort for ppl. One of their most difficult problems is not being able to pick up all calls instantly and stay with those who need them to talk through things... longer. But they do the best they can. Yes they are well aware of the life and death nature of these calls.

I don't call hotlines anymore. When I'm on the edge, either I'll figure it out or I won't. I don't rely on anyone who doesn't know me or doesn't really care about *me*.

That's your prerogative but I'd say that the staff on these (often voluntary) hotlines and even the paid employees... do care about everyone... it's really not the sort of job you can skate your way through... There are supervisors and there is accountability.

ignore you. Everytime it's suicide prevention month and they go on and on about these hotlines I want to roll my eyes.

^^What is your solution then? What would you say... give them more funding or less? They do make a difference with finite resources. There are many ppl that rely on these hot-lines to pull them through. I'm sorry if that was not your experience but that doesn't negate the wonderful service provided overall.

I read an article in O magazine from a call line operator who said that most of the calls she received are

And.. you believe a magazine article? :)

not tied up the line for those of us white-knuckling to sanity.

^^Exactly... they must deal with all manner of personal crisis and some of them you will dismiss as being irrelevant, not important or inappropriate. But they do still have to answer the phone and they (the hot-line operator's) do not know what idiotic fake caller.... or person in crisis is going to be on the other end... They just answer the phone and deal with it then..

who knew to pick up the phone and call someone else,

Good on you for doing that. I am glad you had that option. That doesn't negate the need for these hot-lines and their funding requirements. Nor does it mean they should be shut down. You are indeed very fortunate.

Maybe now that you know you should call a supportive friend and not a hot-line that will mean the next person who is in desperate need of support will get through. :)

I don't know why there is so much anger by some of the members here about the inability to get through to a hot-line. I can understand being frustrated, disappointed and wondering what to do next... but it's not actually the hot-line's or any of their workers fault if they are being inundated with calls and there is a delay or no pick-up.

I know suicide is very personal and yes I can see how a service not fulfilling it's core obligation - to answer your call may feel like a personal affront... but it's not so simple. There are so many ppl out there needing help and so few resources. Small comfort I know.. when you are in the middle of a crisis but afterwards... when you are feeling better and evaluating your experience etc., being angry with a hot-line isn't going to help.

You could if able, find out where your local hot-line is and support it somehow... so that it can continue it's services and expand it's capabilities. That would be a good way of channelling the anger you feel and trying to prevent your disappointing experience from happening to someone else who may not have the ability to figure it all out or phone a friend.

 

[whiteraven]

I don't know why there is so much anger by some of the members here about the inability to get through to a hot-line. I can understand being frustrated, disappointed and wondering what to do next... but it's not actually the hot-line's or any of their workers fault if they are being inundated with calls and there is a delay or no pick-up.

The anger may come from being let down in the past, by being summarily dismissed (yes, verbally told your problem is not as important as others') at a time when you have no other options.

I am not saying hotlines are useless; I am saying, though, that some people have had the experience that they are more harmful than helpful (after calling a hotline, you should not OD because you were treated like you were unimportant. *shrug* Just me, I guess). For some people, they are immensely helpful, and the line between life and death. But not everyone.

And, during a severely depressive phase, we don't think rationally. So it's easy to take personally. When you're chronically and severely depressed and these sorts of things happen on a regular basis, you tend to wonder if it's you or them.

 

[somerandomguy]

The solution is more funding, more volunteering, more training. The quality of the service you receive from these places is dependent on all three of these things.

I have been badly let down by these services before and I know the quality of the service is often dependent on the above issues; the personality of the operator I happened to get; and my own mindset at the time of my call and what I hoped to get out of it. In many cases, I really didn't know what I needed and hung up feeling extremely frustrated or even more depressed than I did before I called.

In the cases where they didn't pick up, I just assumed it was something having to do with me, instead of the actual reason (high volume of calls, low number of volunteers). It's very easy to get into that mindset, at least for me. I used to notice how people cut through lines in front of me to get through, and I assumed it was just because I was the type of person that people would want to cut in front of. But I never noticed when people cut through in front of other people, which happened at least as frequently, because why would I?

 

[blackemerald1]

(after calling a hotline, you should not OD because you were treated like you were unimportant. *shrug* Just me, I guess

^^No it's not just you! You are absolutely correct... nobody working on a hotline should take a call and treat someone who is suffering and needing support as 'unimportant'. When did that happen... I must have missed that post of yours.

But not everyone.

You may be right there... hot-lines will never be able to help everyone with everything. But, people in crisis is their core and if they fail to do that bc they cannot get to your call fast enough that is a failure.. but as to whose fault it is... is more related to what @somerandomguy pointed out.

When you're chronically and severely depressed and these sorts of things happen on a regular basis, you tend to wonder if it's you or them.

Hotlines are not for 'regular' and ongoing treatment for chronic sufferers of depression etc, rather when we are in acute phases of these illnesses and there is nobody else. They should be a last resort. Unfortunately most of the regular resources we would all prefer to use... do not have an out of hours service. Hence the need for hotlines I guess.

But I do understand why we start to wonder if it is us or them... maybe it's neither? I am blaming the universe for a lot of stuff right now lol... :)

The solution is more funding, more volunteering, more training. The quality of the service you receive from these places is dependent on all three of these things.

Again, absolutely agree. If we can support these services in any way it's a good thing... hey even become a volunteer... bc there are jobs that need doing aside from taking calls.

I also think that hot-line's get a bad rap bc their 'productivity' cannot be gauged very well. Like how do you count how many ppl who didn't do harm to themselves bc they spent time talking to a hot-line. There are no follow up surveys etc. lol..