Should I ask my dad what he's doing for Thanksgiving or just spend it alone?

[lostforgottensoul]

So, my relationship is very strained with my dad to say the least.

I'm off on Thurdays and he knows this so he has to know I am off for Thanksgiving but it's the first time he hasn't asked if I was working on not.

There are positives and negitives for both options. He denies my trauma and that I even have PTSD. He triggers me and the last time he saw me he triggered me big time and I said straight to him that I didn't put him back on my lease (long story) because I no longer trust him. Since then he hasn't really spoken to me. Our relationship is broken for sure. He was also part of my trauma.

I have a feeling that he and my step mom are getting together with my sisters (one of which is local and the rest a few hours away). If so, I would not be invited anyway.

But reserving to spend it alone when I honestly don't know what he is doing is...well, super depressing.

Thoughts?

 

[Muttly]

So, if you asked him and he invited you over, how do you think you would feel? And if you asked him and he said he was with his step mom, how do you think you would feel? I am wondering if you thinking about that would help you figure out what to do.

If you spend it alone is there something special you can plan for yourself?

I feel you though. I was originally going to go to my closest friends, my family of choice. Except I can't afford to travel. And my other really close friends haven't invited me. I sort of thought they would, they've invited me to other holidays. I probably could ask them but since they aren't family that seems pushy. And since I am normally down with my besties, I'm super bummed about Thanksigiving.

 

[scout86]

I'm off on Thurdays and he knows this so he has to know I am off for Thanksgiving but it's the first time he hasn't asked if I was working on not.

I'd let it go. He knows you're off work. He also knows you're not likely to have other plans. I'd suggest making other plans.

Your family is a problem. They are what they are, but they are also part the reason your life is what it is. Your goal is to work towards a better life. There's no way they can help you with that. They've got their own stuff to work on and they aren't doing that.

I know. That's sad and unfortunate and not fair and all that. But I think spending the day without ask the family drama is s health step towards separating from them and moving towards a life. Do something fun. Doesn't matter what. Order pizza & watch movies. And pause to appreciate the things you have to be thankful for. We all have them. Make the day your own version of special, where you ignore regrets and celebrate the good stuff.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I think spending the day without ask the family drama is s health step towards separating from them and moving towards a life. Do something fun. Doesn't matter what. Order pizza & watch movies. And pause to appreciate the things you have to be thankful for. We all have them. Make the day your own version of special, where you ignore regrets and celebrate the good stuff.

That's the thing though. I fear its gonna send me spinning. Especially since I am still trying to recover from the week vacation from hell. It brings up the abandonment/daddy issues/my "inner child" screaming "her" lungs out in my head for "daddy". Is spending it alone, more seperating more from my dad when I can't seem to totally seperate from him better then trying to bridge the gap?

I know what you are saying and I agree. I guess I am just trying to figure out which is the best of 2 bad options. Especially since I have destablized recently.

All I can think about is not being welcomed at family functions.

And then, on top of that, more time alone with my own mind. Just after the vacation from hell! Ugh!

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds like you’re hoping to have a Thanksgiving with a daddy that doesn’t exist in your world. Heartbreaking. I wish you the best and deciding what to do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sounds like you’re hoping to have a Thanksgiving with a daddy that doesn’t exist in your world

Yeah. Probably my "inner child" that's screaming in my head and wont shut the f*ck up! My rational brain knows better but this "inner child" piece of me is in the forefront and is crowding out everything. On lunch for the last day of work before the holiday and usually I can numb my "inner people" out to work but struggling hard with being able to do that.

f*cking holidays man! Why do we even have to have holidays? I'd rather just work. Working Christmas I believe. Thank god!

Sadly, no therapy tomorrow so I'm all alone with myself. Ugh!

 

[shimmerz]

Can you think of something that you and your inner child can do tomorrow? It might be a bit of a challenge but something with the paternal slant to it might be a bit helpful. I’m just not quite sure what that would be at this moment. I wonder if this is a good year for you to be thinking about how you can be your own father. You know, the father you wished you had had.

Super challenging, but really well worth it in the end.

 

[StarChild]

Do something fun. Doesn't matter what. Order pizza & watch movies. And pause to appreciate the things you have to be thankful for. We all have them. Make the day your own version of special, where you ignore regrets and celebrate the good stuff.

^^^^ This exactly! ^^^^
Dear @lostforgottensoul, I'm not up to date concerning your personal situation. And I'm also not doing any social-media. But: would it be a possibility to find some thanksgiving-get-togethers with groups/people who don't know each other? Or would it be a possibility to volunteer at a shelter / organization / hospital of your liking (I hope that's the correct expression...)?

As far as I remember, your father isn't really doing you any good. Nor do you get true appreciation / love / respect from them. Hey young lady, you're simply to precious to be treated in such hardhearted ways, aren't you! I DO understand your longing for the warmth and love that a healthy family could give you. But I doubt, that these people are able nor willing to give you these things. Please don't make yourself a target for their self-centered purposes!

I truly hope, that I've chosen the right words, to show you that I really care, and that I (and many others!) see and acknowledge your unique and precious personality. You're not alone, even though your feelings may tell you the opposite. Sending some comforting hugs your way. :hug::hug::hug: TreeHugger

 

[scout86]

I'm not a huge fan of the whole inner child thing. I know it can be a useful way of looking at things, but it has to be useful.

Here's the thing, YOU are the one and only person who can really "parent" that child now. Your biological parents did a horrible job. Really and truly, they rank right up there on the "worst parents ever" list. You made it this far in spite of them. (Good for you BTW, because that's a huge accomplishment.) You can't get eggs from a cow. You can't get good parenting from your biological family either. Things are what they are. So, like others have said, give that inner child a good day, if that's way you'd like think about it. Make it fun. Ask her what (of all the things that are actually possible) she'd like do, then do it. Bake a pecan pie. Make cookies, do something fun. I know you have problems with "people", so maybe volunteered at a soup kitchen is out the question, but, in my experience, nothing keeps me from self pity quite like helping someone else. I really think you can do this.

I also think thanksgiving with "the family" isn't likely to have much of an up side.

 

[Justmehere]

Is spending it alone, more seperating more from my dad when I can't seem to totally seperate from him better then trying to bridge the gap?

It’s not better or worse or anything. It’s one day. Many Americans over-hype and over-pressure themselves to have these glorious picture perfect holidays that resolve childhood wounds and heartbreak, and they drive themselves into depression never matching up. It’s not just PTSD sufferers - it’s just extra deeply impossible and painful for those from screwed up families.

Take the pressure off.

And then, on top of that, more time alone with my own mind. Just after the vacation from hell! Ugh!

This seems like the bigger issue.

Why not instead spend the day doing something to give to someone else? I have spent a thanks day writing thank you letters to everyone from the mail man to the grocery store clerk. Then I had them with me to drop off randomly the next week. It was more than enough holiday cheer and cost me less than gas and food to attend a screwed up family gathering. Then I spent the rest of the day watching movies and feeling grateful for 4 walls and a roof over my head.

Keep it simple. Don’t use the holidays to try to fix old pain. Pretty much almost never works.

 

[purposelife]

Bless your heart. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you during the holidays. With your father being a trigger, the decision is a tough call. Have you talk with your therapist to see what is recommended? Wishing you well in whatever choice you make. Blessings

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm not a huge fan of the whole inner child thing. I know it can be a useful way of looking at things, but it has to be useful.

Well, that's sort of hard to explain but I have come to realize (though not diagnosed as my therapist seems to be steering away from a diagnosis for some reason and advising that the therapy is the same nonetheless) that the DSM5 identifies this as OSDD1, formally DDNOS1. I fall more in line with OSDD1b specifclly, because of the lack of amensia though I have had amenisa a few times so I think I may sort of go back and forth between the two but more with OSDD1b.

I have parts and disocciate deeply so, this "inner child" is truely a seperated part in my head. So, it's like DID in that aspect, without the switching between them. These parts come to the foreground when they want to. This "inner child" (who is about age 6) comes to the foreground, I feel young, I act young, I think young, and today had a very hard time quieting her so I could work. So, had a hard time being an adult today. Usually I can push "her" back a little to work but, today was much harder then usual.

I hope it's ok to post this. I found this article online that may help explain it a bit better: Comparing OSDD-1 and DID

"parent" that child

I posted about this in another thread. Parenting is basiclly loving your child, right? Loving would include caring for their physical, emotional, psychological (and other) needs, right? Well, what is love? I have to figure that out in order to "re-parent" that part (and there are 4 total parts. That one is just the one I have the most connection with). I have to figure out how one would love their child before I'd have any chance of "re-parenting" this part. And, my therapist says that would kick start the grieving process and start to merge the parts together. Which is why I posted a thread about love.

Anyway, not really off topic since we are talking about family and this part is super foreground at the moment. People on here post all the time about giving their inner child what they need but I cannot seem to do that. "She" screams non-stop and nothing I do seems to help. Netflix and stuff only serves to distract. "She" is screaming for a "mommy" and "daddy" and I cannot seem to figure out how to be that for "her". Any ideas would be amazingly helpful. I have tried toys (legos are a favorite but doesn't really soothe "her".

Edited to add: Sorry, hit "post" accidently.

Anyway, ideas would helpful. I also tried coloring books and stuff and that doesn't work either. There are some "young stuff" that does but it's a bit embarrasing to post about (though I have spoken about it before like a teddy bear at night type of thing) but that only serves to help to quiet "her" at night to help me sleep.

It’s one day.

Yeah, but it's different for me. I can't control when these parts pop up in the foreground so I guess that's where the struggle is. Quieting them. I dunno. So hard to explain.