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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Very good :) I was a little nervous because she served everyone and then started munching on bread and not eating the soup. I decided to trust her anyway. I realized I was likely being paranoid.

My brother led a Thank you prayer directed at God, spelled out because he’s a Christian now, but he didn’t say “thank you, Jesus” which I wanted to ask about but my mom gets a bit argumentative about religion and my brother can be preachy. So I just appreciated it.

My twin was using his thumb to rub my hand during the prayer like he missed me, so that was cool. His wife Julie gifted me a bunch of kitchen stuff for “when” I move out. She lived at this house for a short time so I suppose she understands. Her mom was a hoarder too.

They also gifted me a pumpkin so I will make more pies. And roast some seeds.

My brother made jokes about living in a cage and deserving to be in a cage, and fearing that he’s a “bad” son. But he seemed to be happy overall. Not fearful for his life or anything. I’m very afraid of Julie but hopefully she won’t hurt him on purpose.

It was great soup. She made some bread, too, and it was good. :) And she let me try some European cookies that were great. And I shared some chocolate covered peanuts.

The ride to their apartment was accidentally triggering but I found out how to fix it descretely and it was fine.

Julie seems to believe she can control people a bit. Heard her saying something especially strange. Luckily it won’t affect me. :)
 
Glad it went well :)

And the cage jokes.. defensive mechanism? like, he wants to talk about stuff but wants to get over them?
Like my sister cracking innapropriate jokes...

I dunno, seems like a good family get together, might not need to be over thought about.
 
I agree, it was very pleasant :) :) I’m very skeptical of his wife but she doesn’t seem to be a bad person. She did tell me I could talk to her about my dad if I wanted to. She’s probably heard stories.

I really don’t think my childhood was as bad as I was saying earlier in this diary. I think I was in a mood. And grew up a little paranoid. But I wasn’t making it up either. So... I can accept that my dad was the worst dad I could have ended up with.

My mom told me she thinks I will ace the driving test. Only fear I have is that they won’t accept my identification. I got scammed due to me being left too vulnerable as a teenager, it was stupid. But due to a number of very unfair circumstances I don’t have a social security card (and it’s probably been stolen, actually, which the government told me wasn’t my fault but was because ignorance sucks, but it might not be fixable?) nor do I have a birth certificate. I got a new one from an office so I could get a job, but the social security card never worked out. But now I’m not sure where the new birth certificate is. This house is terrible.

But I have a US passport thanks to my benevolent grandmother and that’s cool and proves I was born here, so hopefully that will work.
 
And I have a driving permit that’s not expired, which proves that at the age of sixteen I was a citizen, and am identifyable as a person in the county I’m in
 
littleoc said:
I really don’t think my childhood was as bad as I was saying earlier in this diary. I think I was in a mood. And grew up a little paranoid. But I wasn’t making it up either. So... I can accept that my dad was the worst dad I could have ended up with.
Click to expand...
... oh hun... it was pretty bad. But, that doesn't mean it isn't over and that doesn't mean life didn't change.

I think we don't need to minimize it in order to deal, just learn how to deal with the awfulness of it all.

Obviously, I'm sure there were good things too, and you can focus on that too. There isn't a rule anywhere that you should only focus on the bad.

Toolbox and breathing exercises :roflmao: I'm preachy today, aren't I?
 
Haha, that’s okay!!!

I’m trying. Right now I’m trying to breathe slowly and ignore the fact that I can feel my heartbeat through my chest. Though I was afraid last January that I would dissociate while driving, the other members were right, I wasn’t in danger. It was relaxing, except for my mom triggering me again. I fixed it though.

Something about this house at night. My dad struggled to function at night, so I’d be awake doing things. Letting my little brother change things on the Internet so my dad would abuse him less. I hated being in the middle of games like that.

I think I really lost it today. I don’t feel well at all. I’m wanting to go over to pedo’s house and rip the lights off.

But the Fungus in me both sees no harm in the lights and gets why they’re upsetting. Because I need to manage this myself. They are allowed to have fun. Let people have fun. I am not judgemental. I miss having Christmas stuff.
 
I haven’t actually been dealing with anything while living here. I’ve just been surviving, with weird mechanisms. But I really triggered my OCD yesterday and started my period (at least I have them again and my beard isn’t back — is that why I feel so disturbingly genderless?) and then lost my sandwich on the “table” right after having a bad, bad flashback. Thanks to circumstances.

It’s easier to not deal but then it really overflowed today.

@Sietz I was going to say that I shouldn’t follow my heartbeats because it’s going so fast — but I decided to measure it and it’s at 92 beats per minute right now. It’s usually at 70, but technically up to 100 is fine for a resting. I wonder how fast it gets when I’m running? I want to get back into that. I’m so dysregulated here. I don’t sleep at the right times or exercise. I’m just really really really wanting that house that I saw for sale.
 
Relaxing the blood pumping chest muscle

Does it weird anyone else out how dense and symmetrical your bodies are? Or is that the type of thing a druggy says? Haha
 

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