How to take a break with a therapist without it being a final end?

[blackemerald1]

She pushed back and said that’s not what she wants.

^^Well then bc you have guessed and got it wrong it's her responsibility to tell you how sessions should proceed.. not keep guessing what the process should be.

I don't understand this...if a T said to me lets change the structure of sessions which is I think, essentially what your T has said... I would be willing to change if it meant there would be a better outcome for me (otherwise what is the point?) and I would trust her to take the lead. But I would be blindsided if my T then expected me to know how to proceed.

Asking endless questions with no link or association into your illness, coping skills etc... well it's demeaning and exhausting. Sounds like she is gathering information for a PHD... not treating you.

I’m totally relating to her as if she is a perp. I’m appeasing. Fawning. I

She is doing the interrogating and thus far is playing a dominating role in sessions. Is that helping you? This is the same outcome that happens when exhausted people reach their mental limits through interrogation. They will say things to stabilise themselves and the interrogator... ie stay safe...

It's very difficult to not try to appease someone we respect and trust. Maintaining the relationship takes on a whole new meaning.

She’s totally giving up. I can’t even resolve the no receipt issue.

^^ Is this an indication that something is not running as smoothly as it should be on her side? What other things have changed with her recently?

 

[Justmehere]

Long story short, I did a short talk to a small group at a professional workshop tonight, I described a generic stream in the mountains as a place of comfort in grand detail and I walked everyone through imagining it. People said it was awesome to do. Totally fine for me. Easy. Relaxing.

I merely think of trying to say the same thing in therapy, and my body gets tense all over.

The worst thing? I really want to tell my therapist about this and ask for her help, but then she’d do the 20 questions drill. Or she’d get hurt and frustrated and give up.

If I could daydream what I’d want her to say: “huh, tell me more about how it went.” And then I would, and then she could say, “hmm, it sounds like you took the opportunity to use a skill and recognized it’s value. That’s wonderful. Way to lean into it. What can we do to bring it in here more? Any sense of what’s holding you back?”
Then I could maybe say, “I’m not sure, I’m disappointed and confused.” She could say something like how we stirred up a cluster of trauma and symptoms are high right now. She’d then describe some kind of something we could do to work on it, maybe review a treatment plan... or??? If she’d even explain the purpose or her thinking with all the questions, it would help.

 

[ILoveLife]

She said I drive the sessions too much. I have no idea what this means. I said, “ok, I’ll submit more.”

My T actually welcomes that I drive the sessions. She doesn't even accept submission, she questions it. "Do you really believe that?"

So, I'm just saying, it can be different than what you're experiencing right now.

I understand not wanting to end a relationship in the middle of what you're going through, and empathize with that. At the same time, I don't truly think there is a point in continuing to make yourself a vulnerable target to an unprofessional T.

 

[Tinyflame]

t sounds to me like you're answering the question the way you think SHE wants you to answer it, not with your own real answer. From what you've said here, it seems like "connection" and "empathy" would feel safer than being walled off behind big walls.

OMG, Idk anything about what she's driving at, but as other's have mentioned, acting in a way that visibly distresses you, and you having tried to communicate that- and then not attempting to get back to a baseline of calm and trust, is beyone me and I think really damaging. Just as @scout86 said above, JMHO but we need confidence and some modicum of safety to even be able to try, and to be able to communicate. The whole process of trying to say anything is frightening on it's own. :(

 

[blackemerald1]

The worst thing? I really want to tell my therapist about this and ask for her help, but then she’d do the 20 questions drill. Or she’d get hurt and frustrated and give up.

^^You know... if I was coming onto this thread cold and didn't know you were talking about a relationship with your therapist I could easily interpret your description of her behaviours as coming from a self-centred relative or friend. Someone who doesn't know about or care to appreciate the trauma you have experienced.

I know you need to continue some kind of therapy right now JMH - have you considered contacting your gp and asking for some extra long counselling sessions with him/her as a substitute for this therapist or at least until you find another?

Are there absolutely no other options available to you because her attitude is clearly unhelpful.

No matter how trivial or unimportant she thinks the subject matter... it's what is important to you. Yes, she is the therapist and gets to have her say and if she wants to guide or structure the session fine have the discussion with you. Not impale you with that fault finding statement for driving the sessions. When does this T take responsibility for even being in the room. She is getting paid right?

 

[Justmehere]

She sent the receipts!

 

[ILoveLife]

Are you going to go back?

 

[Justmehere]

No clue.

 

[grit]

@Justmehere

I want to be respectful to your journey and your relationship to this T. I will just ask few questions for you to ponder. You do not need to respond but I really wish you are well and taking care of yourself.
Sometimes I find whatever that shows up aggressively or strongly in therapy is really a good thing and something to learn from (this is my belief and experience). I am wondering how do you deal with conflict in your life outside of therapy?what worked for you? how did you finish the conflict and how do you usually feel with the result?

Because the T relationship is not like marriage or a personal intimate relationship
The conflict in it may or may not be resolved in similar ways.

For example, in this relationship, you are taking the role of “done to” where the T is taking the role of “Doer”. In most relationship even when there are roles, they are usually reciprocal so any time one person takes one role exclusively for extended period of time without extenuating circumstances (sickness etc), that relationship cannot survive.

I just wanted to add that bit because I felt I was approaching your problem as if this is a relationship that is equal. You need her, but she does not necessarily need you. You are adult who is paying her and choosing her so this gives you some leverage since ultimately you make the decision to stay or go.

Your strong belief you want to stay and that she is helping you is telling me – subconsciously you really believe these are all happening for a reason and you are benefiting.

I think even the best relationships can have moments of extreme challenge and if we (all internet) dissect, things can get even more overwhelming and scary.

I am trying to dial down and see if you the human in all this can make decision for yourself and take your time and not get lost in never ending internet outsourcing of your executive decision making. You are capable and you are strong and you know what is right and what is wrong and you deserve empathy and understanding and you can always change your mind.

I wish you well and hope you find peace.

 

[scout86]

I’m totally relating to her as if she is a perp.

I think that's a pretty important thing to know. (I wonder if she knows that? Literally, because I can imagine it either way.)

So, a "safe" place, would be one where you don't get interrogated? Where you're listened to and understood?

Some of this seems kind of wacko to me, but I can see describing a "safe place" as being a way to convey how you're feeling in therapy, right now, that she might understand. Because it doesn't seem like there's another, obvious, way to get your message across.

In discussing "safe" with my T, I finally told him that my definition of "safe" is a situation where I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen next and I know I can handle it. He was ok with that. He says he agrees that there is no such thing as absolute safety, that it's an illusion. (I'm not 100% sure how much of this is him humoring me to advance the conversation, and how much of it he actually agrees with.) Then he talks about the difference between "possible" and "probable" and the need for accurate, up to date information. (He's really big on that.) I don't get the impression he's trying to convince me to "feel safe". Which is good, because my experience with people who do that is that they are lying and usually out to get you.

She said I drive the sessions too much. I have no idea what this means.

I have no idea what she means by that either. But, something I've noticed is that you do seem to approach therapy with a fairly specific agenda and a determination to make the best use of your time. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just an observation. It's totally different than the way I approach it, myself. My T asked me a couple times, early on, what I wanted to work on & I had no idea. (He said that was ok, lots of people have no idea.) We seem to wander all over the place, but, in the end, some surprising and useful stuff has come up that I totally didn't expect.

So, sitting here, wondering what she meant by that and what her reason was for saying it, I'm wondering what the down side of the client driving the session "too much" might be. (Because maybe there's a difference between "the client driving the session" and the client driving it too much?)

 

[scout86]

I merely think of trying to say the same thing in therapy, and my body gets tense all over.

The worst thing? I really want to tell my therapist about this and ask for her help, but then she’d do the 20 questions drill. Or she’d get hurt and frustrated and give up.

You COULD tell her that. If it was me, and I was going to do that, I'd tell him the whole thing. Including what I'm afraid would happen if I brought it up. For me at least "what I'm afraid will happen" is usually the biggest part of the problem.

 

[Justmehere]

Some of this seems kind of wacko to me, but I can see describing a "safe place" as being a way to convey how you're feeling in therapy, right now, that she might understand. Because it doesn't seem like there's another, obvious, way to get your message across.

Oh yeah, this makes so much sense to me.

I wrote up a draft. If I try to imagine being in her shoes... I am just now sure how to communicate it. I went back and listen to the session. I thinks he really thinks that by asking questions she is giving suggestions. She told me at the end she gave me suggestions but her suggestions were actually all phrased as questions. I don’t hear suggestions. “Is your safe imaginary house in the woods or by the beach?” I mean yeah ok so maybe that’s a suggestion. I sound like a neurotic fool.