How to take a break with a therapist without it being a final end?

[Justmehere]

My dog’s vet sent the kindest email. It threw me. They said I was good at taking care of Lizzie and they are glad she has me. It struck me that my dog’s veterinarian is more encouraging to me than my therapist. And it’s not her job.

I talked to a clinic based crisis line. They actually we’re decent. I was thrown off by how much it wasn’t counselor asks question, I answer, counselor asks question, I answer, counselor asks question, I give same answer, I ask questions back, counselor asks same question again, I answer again, counselor asks new version of same question, i make statement to say I don’t understand what’s wrong with my answer.... therapist again asks question...

That been the process of about 70 percent of my sessions for the past two months. I have begged for reassurance, suggestions on skills, feedback, etc.

On the crisis line, they actually reflected back things I said, empathized, asked me to think about things, gave feedback and suggestions. They even explained why I’m having weird impulses to shower a lot. I got more out of one crisis call than the past two months of therapy.

We talked it all through. All the details. Something has gone wrong. My therapist isn’t using known therapeutic skills. It wa actually a really screwed up session.

Why do you think she didn't say what needs to change? Did she explain?

I had tried to bring up “can you explain why you are doing...” and the answer was no. I kept asking what I was doing wrong, and why my answers were not satisfactory. She cut me off to say no she isn’t going to talk about that. I asked several times in the session, “what needs to change....” and she cut me off again. No. She is not going to talk about that.

It just went on as I sat there and began to dissociate.

Then she dumped the “this isn’t working” and a cluster of other vague and critical statements with two minutes of the end of the session. Some of what she said broke some of my trust. It broke my heart. She said for months I have been doing things wrong. Why didn’t she tell me months ago miss therapy by interrogation. Was I supposed to glean it form the interrogation?! (I didn’t actually say any of that to her.)

She sort of said we can talk about changes next week. She clearly said she will have requirements that will have to be met. They will have to be met before we can talk about grief and recent losses or do any trauma work. She also will not suggest coping skills or ways to manage because that is doing the work for me.

So I get to have this hanging over my head for a week?!

I need to take time off. Thinking of not going brings relief. The difficulty is losing all therapeutic support for now, and losing her in particular. I’ve been working with this therapist awhile.

It’s a crappy ending. I’m simply waking away. No real goodbye process.

 

[ILoveLife]

The difficulty is losing all therapeutic support for now, and losing her in particular.

I honestly think this won't be a problem. You might find it difficult at first, but there will be relief.
It's pretty obvious from where we're standing that she doesn't have your back, even if it appears so. I'm actually appalled by her behavior, it's completely unprofessional since she knows you're not doing so well and rely on her support.

I honestly think in the long run, being away from this relationship is the best you can do for yourself.
Even if it doesn't feel like that in the begginning.

Trust your intuition here. You've been complaining about her behavior for a long time, even when we said for you to stick around you were suspicious of that decision.

I have apologized to you, but I'll do it again. I'm sorry for saying for you to stick around.

 

[Justmehere]

I don’t think it will be a temporary end. I would like it to be one, but I really get the sense that she’s done. She told me I’m not allowed to be mad at her either. Not how I express frustration. Even if I don’t verbally express frustration at all, and I clench my teeth. “No more of that.” So. Yeah. That kind of means this mess is done.

I could go and find out whatever the heck she is thinking.... but I feel relief when I think of not going. I don’t want to lose her or her support, but she’s not supporting or helpful. I think it was done two months ago.

 

[ILoveLife]

You're more than "allowed" to be mad at her. You have every right to be.

And yeah, trust yourself and your ability to do right by you.

 

[Justmehere]

We will see what I think in a few days. Seems to be my pattern to have a session, be ready to quit, and not follow through and go in and try again. It’s hard to walk away.

 

[ILoveLife]

Maybe make a pro/con list? They're helpful.
Advantages of sticking around, disadvantages of sticking around.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I did that weeks ago. The cons far outweighed the pros. It prompted me to post this thread.

 

[MyWillow]

She told me I’m not allowed to be mad at her either.

This shits me to tears. What a lot of invalidating bullshit. My psydoc welcomes my anger (yet to reveal itself) at her or at my equine T or at my family. When I can’t be angry she expresses anger on my behalf. And explains it. It’s weird as hell but reassuring.

ETA: I don’t think my previous T (now equine T) knew what to do with anger. I was furious with her and everyone but didn’t feel comfortable enough to express it although I really like her. I suspect your T is simply lacking skills in that area. I don’t think it’s intentional or about you.

 

[Justmehere]

The surprising thing is anger and transference is usually her forte. I really think she’s done with me. The fact that I’m no longer allowed to express a concern is a sign she’s done with me. That was the moment I numbed out. Which only made her more frustrated and pushy.

I’m now having nightmares about not answering questions good enough in therapy - in my dreams it’s all tied up with trauma. It’s getting intense. I really am not doing a good job of handling any of this. I don’t understand why this is happening and why she is doing this. She is really done with me. I can’t satisfy her. My therapy is now about trying to appease her. This is like the worst timing to walk away. Maybe this could be fixed? I’m not allowed to be angry. Ok. I do as I’m told. I’m not sure what I can do to be good enough. I wish she hadn’t ended the session the way she did vaguely telling me I had been doing things wrong for months. My trust is gone. If I have to worry now I might hear months later about a problem and not at the time, I can’t trust her. Why does this all have to happen now?

 

[MyWillow]

Yup. Can really appreciate where you are coming from. If this is something she is normally good at I’d be thinking that something is going on in her life and/or she’s just not managing the countertransferance appropriately. All of those things you mentioned (not good enough, do as you’re told) would trigger the living shit out of me.

Your feelings are valid. What you decide to do with all this is more difficult. I wonder if you could write a letter to yourself about all the positive things you’ve learned - coping skills, validating thoughts etc. Just to help you realise how far YOU have come. Because those gains are yours forever.

 

[scout86]

It seems backwards to think of the client as "doing something wrong". I used to train horses for a living and have always been stuck by the similarity between that and what my T does. We've talked about it. He agrees. He says that, mostly, what he does is "teach people stuff". If your role is at the teaching end of the partnership and things aren't working, it's your job to find a different way to present the information. (I'll admit there are teachers who like to blame the student and trainers who want to blame the horse. They're wrong.) I'm hoping, when she says something needs to change, she means on her end.

The way things seem to be going now remind me of "childhood". A set of incomprehensible expectations that, by definition, can't be met. (Because, on the off chance you get it "right", the expectations will change.) Not a game anyone needs to play!

I'm still hoping she finds a way to make her point and straighten things out. (But progressively less optimistic.)

 

[blackemerald1]

Do you think she is trying to force you to end therapy with her? :wtf:

If my T or psydoc said those things - I would tell them to go F*ck themselves and walk away for good. See if that was doing things properly then!! :sorry:

The more you describe your interactions with the T - the worse it is getting. Seriously. :hug: