I want to be hit by people who love me

[EveHarrington]

Sorry if this gets long! I try to keep my posts short but this one is a bit involved.

So backing up a few months to when I was on inhaled steroids...

My mood crashes were off the charts. I was fighting with my boyfriend and trying to push him to the edge. It was like a switch was flipped inside of me and I wanted, needed to experience physical violence inside of a relationship. My verbal aggression was crazy. I never hit, punched, slapped, etc him, but I did once grab his arms to prevent him from leaving once. He won’t hurt me, I know. He will tell me to move, leave, but won’t ever raise a hand to me. He won’t even move me to the side if I stand in his way. He just repeats his requests to leave (or to ask me to leave).

This was a big part of me knowing I needed more help, expecting my T to say I needed to go inpatient again.

While inpatient I wrote in my journal about how it was time to let my dad go, once and for all, that holding on to him was holding on to this idea that relationships needed to be violent. (My dad beat me when I was a kid.) This was a pivotal point for me as I was finally able to start letting go of my desire to have my dad in my life. I always say, don’t be scared of losing me when I fight with you. Be scared of losing me when I go silent. (Because this is when I have finally given up.)

A week after getting out of the hospital I had a horrible fight with my boyfriend. At this point he knew about my craving violence. He repeatedly asked me to leave. I said NO! I switched tactics, broke down crying, and told him I deserved to be punished. (THIS IS HOW BAD I WANTED TO BE HIT!) Well, no dice, he just continued to ask me to leave, and I did. My mind was just thinking “I’m going to get you to hit me one way or another.”

So fast forward, the steroids are out of my system, but the switch won’t flip back. I’m stabilizing but still crave physical violence. I’m not pushing my boyfriend in an attempt to get that violence. I’ve talked to him about it all, so he knows what’s going on.

I went to therapy today and talked about all this with my therapist. It felt impossible to explain all of this to her, and what I was feeling. At the end of the session we figured out that it comes down to me hating new feelings. Not being hit in a relationship or expecting to be hit...? NEW FEELING! System freaks out! My job this week is to just sit with my feelings and not act on them. This is going to be hard.

I’m just wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this? I honestly feel like a freak.

I had these cravings years ago and wanted to go fight random people on the street. Of course I never did...

I wish my mind would stop equating violence with love.

:-/

 

[IceQueencop]

@EveHarrington - in not so many words, I hear you saying that you are stressed by the new feelings, and this stress is leading you to relive or re-experience feelings from your past, meaning the anticipation of being hit, and maybe the relief that comes after a physically violent outburst.

As you sit with your feelings, consider whether these feelings are actually what you want, or simply re-living the old cycles.

I have found that when I get stressed my head jumps to the feelings of my trauma, but I didn’t always understand that I was reliving the trauma, I thought I was craving the violence. ?
Best, IQC

 

[Freida]

Not being hit in a relationship or expecting to be hit...? NEW FEELING! System freaks out! My job this week is to just sit with my feelings and not act on them. This is going to be hard.

oh yea -- anytime I get new feelings I lose my mind for a while. My t says the same thing -- sit with my feelings and don't judge then, Be curious. It's almost impossible some times and makes me crazy.

So nope - not just you! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

As you sit with your feelings, consider whether these feelings are actually what you want, or simply re-living the old cycles.

Can’t it be both? Reliving the past and wanting to be hit?

 

[Abstract]

I suspect they could be. Hope you manage to find a way around this. Sounds very painful and unhelpful in so many ways. Good you have identified it.

 

[IceQueencop]

Can’t it be both?

I don’t know why it couldn’t.

Does it feel like a craving? Like you might crave potato chips or chocolate? Because you really couldn’t crave those things if you’d never had them...but those things trigger some kind of response in your brain that seeks more of them. But, it’s just my theory. If it doesn’t work for you and it doesn’t help you unravel your feelings, feel free to ignore me.?

 

[hithere]

I think it was two years ago I was really, really wanting to be physically abused in my relationship. It was a craving. I am sure it's because I started doing trauma therapy and all that crap came to the surface, but I didn't connect the dots then. Oddly enough I took some steroids for an inflammation problem and it did seem to activate me more. It took awhile for the steroids to leave my system. but I can't blame the steriods at all.

A couple decades ago I realized that if my relationship was "calm" and "peaceful" I COULD NOT handle it AT ALL. What I still cannot handle is the feeling of someone "caring" for me. I desire it and hate and fear it at the same time. It's really quite awful.

Having a "new feeling" is a good way to describe it and it is completely unsettling to have a new feeling, especially if it is a positive or warm feeling. Sitting with the feelings and observing them does help, but I had to have the desire for a new life-- new life , new feelings.

I now have come face to face with the whole masochism thing. I have no idea if that is your issue too, but facing the masochism has almost made me like a pit bull going against it. Love is worth fighting for.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t know why it couldn’t.

Does it feel like a craving? Like you might crave potato chips or chocolate? Because you really couldn’t crave those things if you’d never had them...but those things trigger some kind of response in your brain that seeks more of them. But, it’s just my theory. If it doesn’t work for you and it doesn’t help you unravel your feelings, feel free to ignore me.?

Yes, I’m the moment it feels like a craving.

If you love me you will hit me!

It’s what I’m used to, it’s what I know.

 

[IceQueencop]

So, then if you look at this broadly, maybe there are tips about how to stop a craving that will work fo you in this situation?

Dead Link Removed
Here’s an article about craving violence.

 

[Freida]

It’s what I’m used to, it’s what I know.

I wonder if it is a reaction to the new relationship being so different? You want to go back to what is known, even if its bad?

 

[blackemerald1]

Eve.. is it really what you know? I get that you endured violence when you were a child from your father but has this craving, desire etc., for violence become a pattern or feature in most of your adult relationships?

You have never been given the satisfaction of actually succeeding with provoking a partner to act violently towards have you? So there has been no emotional pay-off?

Wasn't this all precipitated by taking the steroids?

 

[Justmehere]

Seems like maybe you are seeking control? If I’m off, please disregard. Here are my thoughts:

If love means the predictable pain and being hit, it’s patterned, predictable, expected. Just like refusing to leave - you are seeking your way of love over another’s way. A way that might be new and confusing and not always what you expect. Plus, by being abused again, you don’t have to grieve that you didn’t deserve the pain of the past. By begging for punishment, you try to resolve the conflict with a black and white solution where you are all bad and getting what you deserve, one has to sit with a lot less black and white realities and discomforts. You also don’t ever have to grieve the loss of your father.

Perhaps this would shift if you gain a sense of control and predictability in other ways.
.