Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

I'm so sorry you have to keep living there. Don't forget your plan! Keep thinking about your plan. :hug:

 

[Kubash16]

Or take it down then push some of the clutter in that area so it’s not noticeable at all.

 

[Kubash16]

If you were able to take it down just trash it or burn it. No need to just move it somewhere else.

 

[littleoc]

If you were able to take it down just trash it or burn it. No need to just move it somewhere else.

Possible. My therapist suggested I put it in a box and gift it to my mom because why not?

My mom likes stuff that represent us more than us. She wasn’t allowed to interact with us when we were babies. The other day I was trying to clean out a closet and my mom drifted in and saw Blue’s Clues sheets that fit a twin. She told me to quit touching them because she loved those sheets because one of her babies slept on them once. Then she bought me 80$ worth of bras but hey at least they finally fit lol

@somerandomguy you’re right. I’m on step two. I’m waiting to hear back. Hopefully by next Wednesday. If I feel helpless I can apply for more because it won’t hurt anything anyway. I have a high chance of hearing back but if I don’t itll be okay because that just means i will get a different job that may be better suited. It’ll be fine

Thank you @Kubash16 and @somerandomguy :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I’m okay now. I’m going to go get food and get out of this house. I think my brain could use that.

 

[Kubash16]

How are you feeling?

 

[Freida]

Can’t handle all the flashbacks.

I'm sorry hun :(

My mom and dad put artwork on my wall I’m not allowed to get rid of. Such horrible memories.

I really want to live somewhere clean where I’m allowed to take down artwork from when I was a kid. I can’t stand to look at it. It’s all bad memories. All just adults telling me I was a useless excuse for an animal.

No because shit is everywhere, but I also don’t know where I could put it where I won’t have to see it. A lot of it I can’t reach because there’s too much stuff in the way. I’d need to calm down some more before I can figure out how to get it.

Ok kiddo - this is a chance to practice standing up for yourself. You are an adult. Mom and dad can no longer require you to have things on your wall that you don't like. That's not meant to be snarky - I want you to use this one time as a trial run. Why this one? Because nothing is really at risk - it's just crap on the wall. But it will help you see that you CAN stand up to her and do something that is good for you instead of her. Hopefully it will help you start to separate her issues from yours :hug:

Has anyone else had teachers tell you they wished you hadn’t been born? It makes my face hurt. She threw a basketball at my face and got angry when my eyes watered. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. Got to oedophile’s and saw him rape a dog. Got home and my dad was accusing my little brother of things my aunt M was doing. Mom was staring at the TV looking panicky because she didn’t want to die. I walked back to the pedo’s house because I could stand it. I listened to music with him in his room. His mom invited me to watch Charmed. No one asked about the blood my on favorite shirt and pants. I threw them away and my classmates made fun of me bevsise I only had clothes that were too small for me.

Holy crap. these people just suck! all of them!!!! They make me so angry - when I think of you just needing one person to give a shit and this is what you got instead. It breaks my heart for you. :hug:
Happily though in just a couple months this will be all behind you and you will be off on your own journey -- without them and their drama. Because you deserve it!

 

[littleoc]

I AM SO SORRY for the long pauses! I'm writing, doing work (no job yet but I found some more opportunities to put in line if I don't hear back from others), driving way more to get out of the house, and trying to chillax. I really hope to get back to other's diaries at least. It will happen soon. Hope y'all are doing okay though :hug:

How are you feeling?

Good!

I joined that book club. It has several members and I am the youngest, but maybe I'll attract more young people who were afraid of older people? We'll see! They're all smart and discussing books is fun.

Holy crap. these people just suck! all of them!!!! They make me so angry - when I think of you just needing one person to give a shit and this is what you got instead. It breaks my heart for you. :hug:
Happily though in just a couple months this will be all behind you and you will be off on your own journey -- without them and their drama. Because you deserve it!

So keep in mind it's Sunday over here so I'm keeping it light today -- in other words I'm not in denial about this, just seeing the positives (all Sundays are positive days in this household to the best of our ability unless someone is dying or something. That's not a dysfunctional family thing, it's a Judaism thing, for the record -- a theoretical break for the the mind/brain, body, and spirit; I think pagans do it too!). As in, when I say this I'm totally not in denial that those people sucked ass.

But I do think it's important to remember that some people tried to be there. I don't know what was wrong with Aunt M and I might never know, but she was living with us to help my mom when she was dying. During her stay, my dad's abuse became almost nothing. Almost! Which is really good (still messed up, too, but good)! I still had a pedo to deal with but whatever. My dad didn't want to be alone with children because he hated them, and Aunt M went WAY out of her way (possibly at the danger of her own children... again, I don't understand this situation at all and might never) to live with us for a year while my mom survived by a miracle (and my dad was very disappointed but that's his problem).

My main fifth grade teacher was scary to me but she eventually agreed to help me out extra and found out I was capable of doing work but that no one helped me with homework or even required me to do it. (I was a very depressed 10-year-old so it took work. I never admitted the pedo thing because I feared him getting in trouble and being judged.) (I know that was messed up now, I just cared a lot about it at the time.)

Mrs. W was a neighbor of mine but also my teacher, and she started bringing me to the teacher's lounge every day to read to me, help me with homework, and get shocked when I suddenly stopped acting "mentally retarded" like my records showed. She got a specialist in that she paid for and I got a pretty fun IQ test. Immediately got to "graduate" special ed (really inspired the other kids), got to get an award from the President (Bush) at a ceremony (I still have the signed award!) (and my mom was able to attend and she was crying from happiness!!!), and my educated really improved afterward! (My dad was just annoyed it had to be Bush, lol. He didn't want to acknowledge that Republicans existed. My dad was very Soviet-minded because his family apparently fled Russia for no reason.)

Anyway. I'm mostly trying to say good things happened to, sort of because of the bad things. So don't ever feel too bad for me. I'm a weirdly lucky person for someone who had no childhood and was partially raised by cats until my dad realized the State might notice. lol

Ok kiddo - this is a chance to practice standing up for yourself. You are an adult. Mom and dad can no longer require you to have things on your wall that you don't like. That's not meant to be snarky - I want you to use this one time as a trial run. Why this one? Because nothing is really at risk - it's just crap on the wall. But it will help you see that you CAN stand up to her and do something that is good for you instead of her. Hopefully it will help you start to separate her issues from yours :hug:

You're right. My mom isn't going to notice or care. If she does I can just give them to her. :)

 

[littleoc]

Also, sorry if I'm confusing anyone by going back and forth between healthy and unhealthy talk. I'm doing my best, but it's a bit hard. And this is my only place to rant and vent because this stuff is not stuff I like to share with people, so that kinda made this diary into a trauma soup... I am always okay, though. If I'm not then I'm looking for support in the real world. No worries :)

 

[Kubash16]

Lots of unicorns if ya take that stuff down. ?

That’s a really cool concept of having one day focused solely on positives, I like it.

No worries on the pauses and such, I’ve assumed you’ve been out enjoying life. Which with the book club sounds like you are! I love it!

 

[Kubash16]

This is the perfect place to vent and rant. It’s good for the soul and we love hearing from you. Don’t worry about how much trauma/non trauma there is. We know when we need to back out a little. ?

 

[littleoc]

Lots of unicorns if ya take that stuff down. ?

Well, that's motivating!!! :0

That’s a really cool concept of having one day focused solely on positives, I like it.

I highly recommend it! If people have religious trauma behind them (honestly I think a lot of people do, even if they don't have PTSD -- or is my view skewed by the people I'm around?) then they can pick any other day of the week and have a self-day every week. It's like a personal therapy!

This is the perfect place to vent and rant.

Yes, it really is! I love this place.