On having kids

[Smitty237]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to reach out and ask if anyone else had similar thoughts or maybe had some insights for me. I am in a long term relationship and he is amazing with my diagnosis, in fact I could not ask for someone more wonderful he knows exactly what to do when I am triggered and how to remind me to use my coping skills, anyways amazing guy. The biggest thing is we have been talking about having kids and as I am working and almost finished school the time for this is coming closer and closer, and although I want children or child I am feeling a bit nervous. I'll say I am receiving treatment in CBT but I have some extensive trauma to get through and being raised in a military family I have trouble recognizing and dealing with emotions, it makes the treatment process slow and legit my psychiatrist shows me a sheet of smiley face things depicting emotions and I have to try and guess which one I am feeling. Anyways, moral of the story I want a child, and I trust my part to be there completely through the process but I have intense symptoms, I have disassociation, the night terrors, panic and anxiety, flashbacks and a short fuse. I can generally control my temper but I do get snappy as for some reason my body isn't so much triggered for the flight aspect the majority of the time I feel like I am walking into a fight and am on edge. Like I said I seek therapy and do my homework, so I feel for the better part of my life I am good and handle things and lead a successful life, I can maintain my relationship, deal with my dog, have a good social life (except going into grocery stores is a horrible experience), work and get good grades in post secondary.

I want to be a good mother so badly, but I am petrified of my disorder and losing my temper or being in a state of disassociation or panic and having to be there for a child. My mother suffered the same disorder I have as we were in similar situations and I know my partner choice is much different as well as my lifestyle but I am so afraid I will make the same mistakes that she made, I would never want my child to feel like I did or I would never want to snap at them and say something hurtful because of what I am going through. Do any of you have children, do you have advice? How do you cope and raise children at the same time?

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@Smitty237 Hello. I have alot of experience on this issue. But first I wanted to asked how old are you? Are you actually in therapy? Can you get an expert opinion from someone who knows you?
I have complex ptsd and two children. Its incredibly hard at times but I would not be without them. They are my anchors, my joy, sometimes my reason to fight as hard as I do in recovery. I can write more but its late and bedtime.
I had similar fears to you and have never ever shouted or treated my children as I was treated. My biggest problems are the guilt I inflict upon myself for not being good enough.. also shame for stuff I cant do which affects my children. School is a big trigger for me, my husband covers often alot for me.

 

[Smitty237]

I'm turning 28 so I have time to think for sure. I am in therapy and work with CBT mostly, I will most definitely be asking him probably in our next session but I really wanted to reach out and hear some personal stories on the matter. I honestly have those fears that my shortcomings would affect a child and I just want them to be happy etc, I really don't want to fail our theoretical child and my significant other.

 

[Friday]

One of the best things I ever did as a parent was to take a Developmental Psychology class. LOL, technically I took it twice, because it was faster to retake it than get my credits transferred from one school to the next. It was required for my degree path, but I happened to be pregnant the first time, and have a toddler the second time.

OMFG.

Best way to kick all that pop-psych parenting bullshit right in the teeth.

Because

- there’s no right way / best way to raise a child. Not even in the same family, as different kids react differently to different things as nearly any parent with 2 or more kids will tell you... so the whole “multiplicity of bests” wasn’t something I had to learn the hard way through having 2+ kids and finding that what worked best with one kid wasn’t what worked best with the other kid.

- Impartial reporting. Instead of attempting to sell books selling their method ... here are ALL various styles ... and here are ALL the varying results. ((Most simply put, Abuse-Authoritarian-Authoritative-Permissive-Neglect is the spectrum, and every single pop-style from attachment to free range can exist anywhere on that spectrum. Including what may seem it’s “opposite”. Like there are parents doing the attachment style who are neglectful as hell, and parents doing free range who are abusive as hell. There’s no magic “right” way. There are thousands of right ways, and only 3 wrong ways to parent a child - Abuse, Neglect, & Not.))

- The Man Behind The Curtain ;) Super fun to have all the psychology driven advertising (mom guilt, mom guilt, mom guilt! It’s a superpower! :facepalm: ) unmasked for what it is, before buying metric shit tons of crap because choosy moms, great dads, if you want the best start for your kid, blah blah blah) just elicits a snicker and move along, instead of the gut punch of OMFG I NEED their product :rolleyes:

I had kids about 20 years before most of my friends had kids. I recommend this class to all of them, purely for the self confidence it inspires & evokes, but the added benefit of being able to learn about yourself (what naturally attracts you, and why... how this might be applied, and what are the expected results) is almost as awesome.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you know someone who has a baby/toddler?

Go babysit for a few weeks. (I mean every day, all day.)

Seriously.

I’m doing that right now, watching my nephew for 12 hours a day, and yeah, as soon as my sister gets home, I’m like g’nite, and crash for 12 hours.

And yeah, I’m only doing this for a week.

My stability is something very new. When I’m on the right meds....I. Just. Know. And I’m on the right meds, but this rules out pregnancy so I’m left with adoption, which in all honesty is good because my clock is ticking.

I’m not stupid. I know this is *nothing* like real parenthood.

But, it does open my eyes to what is really possible for me.

And nobody here is going to be able to tell you what’s possible for you.

You’ll get a lot of people saying yes, parenthood very possible.

And you’ll get others saying just the opposite.

But really, nobody knows your symptom level and what you can truly handle. (I am personally hypersensitive in ALL my senses, so that does play into my decision making, but I know many with ptsd don’t have this issue, so yeah...)

My brother in law tried to tell me a “horror” story about the first month of parenting, only getting by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I smiled and nodded, thinking “you have no idea who you’re talking to, or my levels of insomnia. I can completely blow that out of the water, by a factor of 10, easy.”

But I digress.

Again, go find someone with a baby and “practice”. You’ll find out what you are capable of and what may need work. It’ll be nothing like full time parenting, but it’s a start.

 

[Friday]

Oh... I almost forgot...

I was symptomatic as f*ck before having kids, but I didn’t really know it was PTSD. I considered it the consequence of doing business / just how I was, now. So I worked on the things I didn’t like as they came up. By the time I got knocked up? I was roughly 80% sane-wellish-asymptomatic. Having to teach someone else (read : every toddler ever) emotional monitoring and regulation, self control, patience, prioritizing, self respect, joïe de vivre, letting things go, etc.? Being able to break down complex concepts into things even a baby/toddler can understand and doing it 50,000 times (probably a low estimate, with kids you’re reinforcing dozens and often hundreds of times a day)... is what kicked me into being asymptomatic for the next 10 years. That whole “You retain 90% of what you teach” thing.

Again, go find someone with a baby and “practice”. You’ll find out what you are capable of and what may need work. It’ll be nothing like full time parenting, but it’s a start

The good news is that babysitting is about 1,000 times harder -and infinitely more exhausting- than parenting your own kids.

DEFINTIELY agree, it’s good practice, but parenting your own kids that you’ve had from day 1 is waaaaaay less stressful than watching other people’s kids. OPKs are exhausting.

 

[Smitty237]

One of the best things I ever did as a parent was to take a Developmental Psychology class. LOL, technically I took it twice, because it was faster to retake it than get my credits transferred from one school to the next. It was required for my degree path, but I happened to be pregnant the first time, and have a toddler the second time.

OMFG.

Best way to kick all that pop-psych parenting bullshit right in the teeth.

Because

- there’s no right way / best way to raise a child. Not even in the same family, as different kids react differently to different things as nearly any parent with 2 or more kids will tell you... so the whole “multiplicity of bests” wasn’t something I had to learn the hard way through having 2+ kids and finding that what worked best with one kid wasn’t what worked best with the other kid.

- Impartial reporting. Instead of attempting to sell books selling their method ... here are ALL various styles ... and here are ALL the varying results. ((Most simply put, Abuse-Authoritarian-Authoritative-Permissive-Neglect is the spectrum, and every single pop-style from attachment to free range can exist anywhere on that spectrum. Including what may seem it’s “opposite”. Like there are parents doing the attachment style who are neglectful as hell, and parents doing free range who are abusive as hell. There’s no magic “right” way. There are thousands of right ways, and only 3 wrong ways to parent a child - Abuse, Neglect, & Not.))

- The Man Behind The Curtain ;) Super fun to have all the psychology driven advertising (mom guilt, mom guilt, mom guilt! It’s a superpower! :facepalm:) unmasked for what it is, before buying metric shit tons of crap because choosy moms, great dads, if you want the best start for your kid, blah blah blah) just elicits a snicker and move along, instead of the gut punch of OMFG I NEED their product :rolleyes:

I had kids about 20 years before most of my friends had kids. I recommend this class to all of them, purely for the self confidence it inspires & evokes, but the added benefit of being able to learn about yourself (what naturally attracts you, and why... how this might be applied, and what are the expected results) is almost as awesome.

Thanks so much for the reply, it makes me feel a lot better. I have symptoms but generally feel rather in control with the odd flashback which sometimes sends me in a spiral of I want to be on my own for a bit etc. I mean I do have bad days but my partner is amazing and helps me work through them. I actually have taken that class and found it very interesting! I am a counselor now and going to school for even further education. For some reason I am good with counseling other people and dealing with PTSD in others as well as multiple other psychological disorders. I also recognize in myself when I need to take a step back from a situation or certain content. I try to be very conscious of my triggers for my clients and myself. I've always worried that I'll lose that self awareness and insight when I'm even more sleep deprived and with my own child 24/7.

Do you know someone who has a baby/toddler?

Go babysit for a few weeks. (I mean every day, all day.)

Seriously.

I’m doing that right now, watching my nephew for 12 hours a day, and yeah, as soon as my sister gets home, I’m like g’nite, and crash for 12 hours.

And yeah, I’m only doing this for a week.

My stability is something very new. When I’m on the right meds....I. Just. Know. And I’m on the right meds, but this rules out pregnancy so I’m left with adoption, which in all honesty is good because my clock is ticking.

I’m not stupid. I know this is *nothing* like real parenthood.

But, it does open my eyes to what is really possible for me.

And nobody here is going to be able to tell you what’s possible for you.

You’ll get a lot of people saying yes, parenthood very possible.

And you’ll get others saying just the opposite.

But really, nobody knows your symptom level and what you can truly handle. (I am personally hypersensitive in ALL my senses, so that does play into my decision making, but I know many with ptsd don’t have this issue, so yeah...)

My brother in law tried to tell me a “horror” story about the first month of parenting, only getting by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I smiled and nodded, thinking “you have no idea who you’re talking to, or my levels of insomnia. I can completely blow that out of the water, by a factor of 10, easy.”

But I digress.

Again, go find someone with a baby and “practice”. You’ll find out what you are capable of and what may need work. It’ll be nothing like full time parenting, but it’s a start.

Thank you so much for the reply and your input every bit helps. I have four lovely nieces and nephews and I have spent much time in the babysitting role for extended periods. They can be exhausting and of course little hellions at time but honestly even when they are fighting with me giving me the silent treatment or we are running around on some pretend adventure I love every second. They are why I want to have a kid of my own, from watching my niece turn her head and stick out her bottom lip like I did at her age to when I make her 'coffee' which is really hot chocolate so she can sit with me and read her book in the morning while I read my many neuroscience magazines. Then my nephew who can get in the weirdest moods and he absolutely will not talk to someone he is shy around to the point where people thing he can't talk and then he will turn to me or his mom and speak in this beautifully articulate sentence and all I can think is you little bugger. They light up my life and I don't even get to live with them 24/7 but facetiming with them to our exchanging letters which for some at this point is scribbles to when they get to stay over is the best and you can tell my significant other feels the same he has such a bond with them as well, my one niece especially adores him and is at the stage where she hangs off his side then pretends she is too cool to spend time with him. As you can tell I gush and am so proud of them, I definitely love those kids.

 

[blackemerald1]

Having children isn't just about whether or not you have ptsd .. though it's good you are considering this. It's all the other stuff too. Like finances, your partner, your career & study. Are you ready in every other area and... can you ever be totally ready? I don't think so... at least not for me. (raised two children) There are too many variables that life throws in our way..

So we cannot delay, adjust and put off having children till everything is just so because it never will be. And anyway that's no indication of what type of parent you will be.

Hypothetically - if you had your own child at the perfect time - that doesn't mean you are going to be a great parent either. There are lots of 'normal' parents out there who are crap parents and then there are lots of parents with disabilities - physical and psychological - who are great parents.

Really if you feel nervous about it now.. I reckon that's a good indication that you appreciate how big the decision is and how important it is to make the right decision. Good luck. :)

 

[Smitty237]

Having children isn't just about whether or not you have ptsd .. though it's good you are considering this. It's all the other stuff too. Like finances, your partner, your career & study. Are you ready in every other area and... can you ever be totally ready? I don't think so... at least not for me. (raised two children) There are too many variables that life throws in our way..

So we cannot delay, adjust and put off having children till everything is just so because it never will be. And anyway that's no indication of what type of parent you will be.

Hypothetically - if you had your own child at the perfect time - that doesn't mean you are going to be a great parent either. There are lots of 'normal' parents out there who are crap parents and then there are lots of parents with disabilities - physical and psychological - who are great parents.

Really if you feel nervous about it now.. I reckon that's a good indication that you appreciate how big the decision is and how important it is to make the right decision. Good luck. :)

Thank you so much for the advice, it makes me feel a lot better. I definitely want to make sure I am doing the right thing for the child, for my spouse, and for my mental health. It is mostly my PTSD I am concerned with, I finish the last of my schooling next year and financially we are doing well, so ideally I would want to wait two years before having a child giving me a year in the field to establish myself with maternity leave etc, I am a planner but with my past I always want to be conscious of my own limitations and not project that onto someone else.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think planning parent hood is a extremely sensible and practical way to be regardless of a history of ptsd or not.

If you have invested years of yourself and money into a field of study it is not only obvious but probably imperative that you do establish yourself in that industry before embarking on pregnancy etc. Maternity leave and knowing that you are returning to your job are so important.

It's also important to establish yourself in your field of expertise because one just never knows what is coming at us from the hands of fate. For me, thank goodness, I had the sense to study and pursue my career because things didn't work out so well for me in other areas of my life. I hope you fair much better. :hug:

So be a planner and be proud!!

 

[Mach123]

It's not the stuff you can see and try and ward off in the future it's the stuff you can't. There's nothing easy about it. We had a large family. Everyone was affected. What if I had known? Who knows? Would treatment have worked? Would things have been so much better? IDK. I hope you have a wonderful family and much happiness and healthy children.

 

[Smitty237]

It's not the stuff you can see and try and ward off in the future it's the stuff you can't. There's nothing easy about it. We had a large family. Everyone was affected. What if I had known? Who knows? Would treatment have worked? Would things have been so much better? IDK. I hope you have a wonderful family and much happiness and healthy children.

Thank you so much I really appreciate all the input!