Death I feel cursed

[Fadeaway]

Or maybe I just have bad luck. Not long after being in a car crash where both the seatbelt failed and airbag deflated I took out a windshield with my head. I am lucky to have no memory of the event, but I am still don't feel myself.

Well, what really brought me back was witnessing a murder. Some of you may have heard my 911 call on the news. It is embarrassing as hell to have it broadcast. I learned it is completely legal and nothing I can do about it even though I never would have given permission. I myself have not heard it but people who know me recognized my voice and called to let me know I was on the news. Hubby advised me to not speak to reporters. Which I wouldn't want to anyways. My therapist, I felt, was rude when I called her and told her, just a "we can discuss it in therapy" she appolgised later though. I guess my husband went in to talk to her behind my back, which pissess me off, but I did cut for the first time in 3 years. I guess it was out of selfishness but no one seemed concerned with how it affected me. Sure the family deserves all the support they can get, but I watched someone get shot in the head. Oh and I love how the news has so many details wrong. I told a neighbor who came out to see why a dozen police and fire trucks were there. He spoke to reporters and acted as if he witnessed it. Nope, I told him once the police finally allowed me to leave the scene and passed him on my way home. News says he died at the hospital, well if that is the case why did the police put up crime scene tape and why did the emts take a pulse shake their heads and chit chat for a while before getting the stretcher. Because they were letting the police gather crime scene evidence instead of trying to save a life. He was dead on impact. But the news says they worked on him for 2 hours at the hospital?! I was 5 inches from his body trying to console his little sister while we waited for police. He was dead before the police got there trust me. No fake news jokes please, they just talked to the wrong people who wanted their 5 minutes of fame, I didn't want mine but my voice is now out there. I keep this thinking, I must have sounded like an idiot on that recording.

 

[scout86]

First, let me say I've missed seeing your name around here and had wondered how you were doing. Sorry that an event like this is what brings you back.

I've never heard a 911 tape that didn't sound like a human being, doing the best they knew how to do, under a lot of stress. Good for you for making the call and staying to comfort the sister.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah @scout is 100% right. It's not a public speaking engagement - it's a tragic situation and you did your best. That you made the call and stayed shows your courage.

I'm sorry you witnessed that tragedy. :hug:

The media often get things wrong, reported wrong, beefed up to sound like something different etc., And yeah there are those who really do want their five minutes - they have to live with their own lies. Forget them they have irrelevant lives imho.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

I am struggling so damn bad with this and no one to talk to about it. Hospital refuses to admit since truly don't want to make another suicide attempt cause I am afraid I will botch it again and left feeling even more humiliated because it was "manipulative" Pretty damn sure my psych is giving me a placebo now cause I took pretty much a whole bottle of kolonpin when I made my suicide attempt and just finished a entire bottle of temazapam in 3 days desperate for sleep and zero effect. Pretty sure if it wasn't a placebo that should have killed me or made me feel even a tiny bit drowsy. Didn't affect my heart rate at all.

Anyways I am so sick and tired of always grieving alone. No one cared when my mom died, I wasn't important enough to be notified when the man who raised me died and then no one cared, at least someone had the decency to inform me when my dad I never knew died, but still, no one cared. It's not like I knew the man and always thought I thought he was dead to me until I learned he actually died.

I just want someone to talk to about it. My husband just can't deal with it anymore. He doesn't want me to talk to him about it, but I need to verbalise some of this stuff. And my best and only real friend has ghosted me.

 

[Deanna]

Or maybe I just have bad luck. Not long after being in a car crash where both the seatbelt failed and airbag deflated I took out a windshield with my head. I am lucky to have no memory of the event, but I am still don't feel myself.

Well, what really brought me back was witnessing a murder. Some of you may have heard my 911 call on the news. It is embarrassing as hell to have it broadcast. I learned it is completely legal and nothing I can do about it even though I never would have given permission. I myself have not heard it but people who know me recognized my voice and called to let me know I was on the news. Hubby advised me to not speak to reporters. Which I wouldn't want to anyways. My therapist, I felt, was rude when I called her and told her, just a "we can discuss it in therapy" she appolgised later though. I guess my husband went in to talk to her behind my back, which pissess me off, but I did cut for the first time in 3 years. I guess it was out of selfishness but no one seemed concerned with how it affected me. Sure the family deserves all the support they can get, but I watched someone get shot in the head. Oh and I love how the news has so many details wrong. I told a neighbor who came out to see why a dozen police and fire trucks were there. He spoke to reporters and acted as if he witnessed it. Nope, I told him once the police finally allowed me to leave the scene and passed him on my way home. News says he died at the hospital, well if that is the case why did the police put up crime scene tape and why did the emts take a pulse shake their heads and chit chat for a while before getting the stretcher. Because they were letting the police gather crime scene evidence instead of trying to save a life. He was dead on impact. But the news says they worked on him for 2 hours at the hospital?! I was 5 inches from his body trying to console his little sister while we waited for police. He was dead before the police got there trust me. No fake news jokes please, they just talked to the wrong people who wanted their 5 minutes of fame, I didn't want mine but my voice is now out there. I keep this thinking, I must have sounded like an idiot on that recording.

I understand they could have said person died at the scene. Also, an e.m.t. usually has to perform CPR and paddles and everything else on a body now before presuming it dead. And one more thing missy... When you blow your brains out, like my brother did, doesn't mean you are successful at first. It means you live a few hours to a day because you weren't exactly brilliant but that won't be printed in the news. There is no fake news about that. Please!!

In other words. He blew his brains out.. Fell to to floor ( like brother) and lived for a little.

 

[Friday]

@Deanna's Gap Threadbanned.

 

[blackemerald1]

I am struggling so damn bad with this and no one to talk to about it.

I am so sick and tired of always grieving alone.

I just want someone to talk to about it.

but I need to verbalise some of this stuff.

First let me say that having witnessed what you did it is a trauma on trauma situation so I think it's likely you will feel like you are in this acute stage for a while.

Remember you were at the scene. Not your hubby, not your psych., you. So all the recollections are very real and vivid.

Having someone who can keep your words confidential and sit quietly with you whilst you grieve, rant, vent, disclose everything in your head is so incredibly important. I'm really sorry there is nobody putting up their hand to be that person for you right now. But you must find that person because it is so important you receive adequate support right and soon.

In the absence of someone you know or who is already within your inner circle. Reach outwards.

Have you got a Community Health centre nearby where there are psychologists, social workers, grief counsellors available? Can you get a long consult with your gp? Women's Health Centre? Just so you can get it out in a safe way.

Start looking. I guess if you have none of those resources or anything that fits the bill could you make a call to telephone support services?

Thinking of you right now. Stay safe. :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

Thank you @Friday.

@blackemerald1 under the therapy and treatments thread I posted how my therapist treated me. I pretty much begged my husband to take me to the crisis center today and he won't tommorow either because he is choosing to work on his day off because <insert long winded hurtful rant about how no one can understand why he is still with me> They have a team that comes out to your house but I don't qualify. Hubby says to call 911 if its that bad, hospital has already told me since I don't meet criteria for inpatient. But I am looking for a new therapist.

 

[Fadeaway]

Forgot to add @blackemerald1 thank you for understanding and I am sorry at the same time that you understand.

 

[scout86]

I wasn't important enough to be notified

I know that was kind of part of a rant. (A totally justifiable rant.) I'd just like to mention that just because other people apparently thought that way, that doesn't mean it's true. Of COURSE they should have notified you. The fact that they didn't is on them and says more about their thought processes than it says about your value. I know that doesn't change how crappy it feels, just try to put the responsibility where it belongs because you don't deserve to blame yourself. I hope you find a decent T soon! (It's utterly beyond my comprehension how hard it can be for a person who actually recognizes they need help and wants it to find it!)

 

[Fadeaway]

Made a lot of progress today. I got my husband to take me in. My therapist and psychiatrist work under the same mental health group practice, but in different buildings. We went to my psychiatrists office. Got to speak with a very kind psych nurse who listened to everything. My husband was there in a lot of ways it was good, but he did a lot of the talking. It was helpful in some ways where he could explain things that were more difficult for me to, but he took over the conversation on certain things like the murder and she could tell I was frustrated and needed to tell it from my first person perspective without his 2nd hand version of the events. But the way he told the story of what my therapist said to me got her very angry at my therapist, and she said that she had two therapists in mind who would be a much better fit for me. She explained that the supervisor has to approve a change in therapist within the same practice but she was pretty confident he would approve it and that the two she had in mind aren't like that.

We also discussed treatment options. My psychiatrist is affiliated with the hospital in another town I now have a permanent order to be admitted if I ever feel the need but and almost went the inpatient route but my psychiatrist could see me later today and had some medical tests changed from weeks wait to stat on the order and I signed a release for him to get copies of my genetic testing, and adjust my meds accordingly. So a solid treatment plan is in place.

 

[Ronin]

I thought he was dead to me until I learned he actually died.

... so you did not have one death to grieve there.
But multiple. For everything he had done (and changed the relations, to the point of could not be saved anymore), and then the moment he passed in actuality (and still surrounded by things like not being even told).

No wonders that would lead to complicated grief.

I am looking for a new therapist.

Can I say how huge proud of you I am, for this?
You are dealing with everything that happened, what it brought up... and YET their qualifications administrative nonsense, enough to be getting yourself the care you need.

I need to verbalise some of this stuff.

Thank you for sharing with us, and, again. Quite well done.

Does writing it down help you any?
Would writing letters to all of those people you did not get to give proper goodbye to, do anything for you? (No need to answer that, just thinking aloud. And no worries if absolutely jack use, letters can be so heart wrenching and getting stuck at the first line, so... yeah, getting it totally if not an option or even a possibility.)