Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I can’t belirve all my rescues have died.

 

[littleoc]

Who would hurt an orchid like that?

 

[bellbird]

Please don’t laugh or say I’m being cute.

My rescued orchid passed away. We have gone through a lot together. I took that orchid everywhere. Rescued it from a dump. Someone chopped it’s flowers off and threw it away in 2014. I found it and brought it back to life.

It passed away from crown rot. I wasn’t overwatering and I had the humidity right. It’s this house. There’s a fungus growing in it’s crown, probably aided by a fruit fly. I don’t know. I can’t stop crying since I found it this morning. It meant a lot to me. I completely failed it.

That means all my rescues have died. They handled moldy dorm rooms but not this house. RIP Henry.

You did not fail, friend.
You have a whole house working against you! And you kept Henry alive for 5 whole years! In addition to all your other creatures who are lucky to have ended up with YOU as their human.

I am very very sorry for the passing of Henry, and may it rest in peace.

And for your tears, I understand and I validate you completely.
I wish more than anything, that you and all your creatures could be free from that house.

But until then, please know that you did not fail Henry. You are doing your absolute best and the environment you are in has had years and years of getting worse and worse.
Sending you lots of gentle hugs.
I know it must be really hard, but can you try and up your self care for a little while? While you go through this grieving period.
:hug: :hug:

And I'm sorry about the 'Brandi' incident too. That must have been really shocking, especially after all this.

 

[bellbird]

I feel really alone here.

Im so sorry pal.
You'll always have us.
I'm really sorry but I'm out at a stadium sports match tonight, otherwise I would call. I can tomorrow if it will help, no pressure either way.

Sending you lots of love and I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
Take care.
You are not alone in this.
We hear you.
And we will walk this journey with you.

 

[littleoc]

Don’t worry about me, @bellbird, I’m always fine. Hope you’re having fun :)

 

[littleoc]

Last night my neighbors left their car’s hatchback open. It’s the pedophile’s old house so I was trying to ignore it, but around midnight it was still open and I took Nestle with me and braved knocking quietly on the door.

The lady answered and thanked me 1000 times (it’s stormy weather) and Nestle says there’s nothing scary about the house. They even changed pedo’s carpet into hardwood. Looks gorgeous. It’s simply not the same house.

Had nightmares anyway though. In the nightmare, Brandi was trying to convince me to get her off by thinking of being raped. I kept telling her I had lied about getting raped for attention. She told me I was a bad person, basically.

Which made it especially weird to have heard from her, except I’m 92% sure I didn’t and it was just the same name.

Then I collected mail to check for my appointment time for SNAPS (food stamps and medication card). I’m signing myself up because I trust me more than my mom to get good food choices. No offense towards my mom. Also waiting to hear back about health insurance, but it seems my mom neglected to think about getting insurance and the deadline has passed. Whatever.

I brought her her mail because it looked important, and so far all the mail I bring her she stacks up in the kitchen without looking At. Usually blocks all ability to cook.

She got really angry about that. So I got angry because my stress cup was overflowed with all this stuff I have to do, the nightmare, the pedo’s house, OCD claiming everyone will die because I can’t reach a light switch, OCD+disgusting house, and finding my orchid dead. She got muttery and I lost my temper again so I left.

Adopted the bamboo and peace Lilly.

I have so many dead plants now. I hate it here. I hate it here so much and I’m worried about the animals. At least all of my main ones stay where I can watch them, even if that means Nestle to stay in one room all day, which is all kinds of f*cked.

But Slinky the cat has started putting cat litter in her food bowl so I know she’s gping to end up with something. It’s so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do about it.

Meeting my mom for dinner sort of helped. I came back from an Aquaman showing (main opinion: they should have hired some scientists because animals act strangely and so do water physics in this movie, but whatever, it’s fiction and entertaining) and met her at a restaurant. Because the thought of having a table to eat on is nice.

My mom kept not listening to me though. I was telling her a fun fact and she turned around when I was mid-WORD telling her something I learned that I thought was cool, and she interrupted to say she was going inside. Not in a mean way, she just straight up wasn’t listening. I rant, yeah, but I had barely just started talking...

In the restaurant I tried telling her about the movie and she completely ignored it. Did not help with the alone feeling.

We talked about other stuff though. Joked with the server a bunch. It wasn’t a bad time really but I felt very irrelevant again.

Didn’t tell her about the plant though. Last time she asked me why a plant died and I gave her an honest answer about the house, she changed the subject. So it’s not worth it. And she didn’t notice. I am very very good at hiding emotions and appearing happy. I had to do that even after being raped and almost killed. So grief isn’t too difficult. She doesn’t even know that the black ribbon in the kitchen from Shay’s funeral collecting all that dust is THERE because I carefully avoid looking at it when she’s there.

There’s a house for rent in a nearby city for $590ish a month. Two beds one bath. I really want it even though it looks like the first bad storm will take it. Maybe I’ll ask for a tour and grab the first job I can. I am loosing patience.

 

[littleoc]

590$ doesn’t include utilities, I’m sure. Or renter’s insurance. I need to chill a little. Things open up all the time. And that house is so small and shabby that it may stay on the market for several months. I’ll turn to higher powers on that front I suppose.

 

[littleoc]

I wish I was dating someone. It would really help to have someone to go to.

But that’s only in an ideal situation. Reality is they’d have an issue too, I’d be trying to help them and not start fights, and also id be hiding anything was wrong because everyone used to run away and I’m still only just getting used to having a friend group.

Which is messed up because before Brandi I was great at friends. I had so many. Why did I think it was okay for her to ban me from talking to them? It was like I was desperate for something. And that’s ruined me. She is probably out there blaming me. I miss her but honestly what I miss is just making her smile. She rarely did good things for me. And if she did she was doing it out of pity. I have good memories so that’s cool. I just miss an idealized version of her that never existed, though. Same with the pedophile. He didn’t even care that my mom was dying. He told me to be nice to my dad. The one who was stashing beer in my room trying to frame me as a bad kid.

 

[littleoc]

Some people genuinely suck. Not most people, though. Most people try really hard to do good things.

 

[littleoc]

Last thing. It’s just bothering me.

The bathroom is the shower is in is filthy. A piece of paint from the ceiling and fell on my cat’s head. The paint is peeling from around the super ceiling heater that some idiot installed into the house in 1979. Yeah, my mom was the second ever owner of this house. Too bad.

The paint is black in places (was white) and falling off the ceiling. And is still on the floor two days later.

Also there’s a towel around the base of the toilet again. When toilet’s overflow, do y’all let it dry? Because I HATE these smelly towels. Even if it was clean water, I don’t care. Unfortunate a vent is on the floor nearby but it looks clean besides a literal mat of cat fur that may or may not be protecting it. Hasn’t been cleaned in ten years apparently.

That toilet should have been replaced by now. I have fixed and replaced its parts more than three times in a two year period and I’m sick of dealing with it. Sick of this place. And I don’t care if my mom thinks that’s mean, my grandmother was right. This place is a money sink and it’s disgusting on top of that. My mom needs to move the f*ck out but she’s too interested in not addressing the hoard that she already admitted was a problem.

Worse, she has started acting like it’s an avoidable topic. You know what she did when we were teenagers? Brought it up all the f*cking time telling us to clean it. Every time we walked in the door, she would dramatically say how gross it smelled. Every time we went to my sister’s, she would ask us why we didn’t want a house as nice as theirs. Not in a mean way, in an encouraging way. Why would you expect a teenager to be able to deal with what a full grown adult couldn’t do?

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for all the posts. I’m having a time of it. I’ll go back and respond to your posts properly when I can think clearly. Might be a few days honestly. Doing my best.

 

[frogthroat]

Since you're already at a huge impass I might as well bring this up to you because you're already upset. I'm being as gentle as possible here and if you don't feel like it's something you could ever do I understand. This is just an opinion of someone on the internet. Take it how you will. I mean no harm. I realize how delicate your situation is.
How soon do you think you could get out without pets? How much money could you save back if you weren't spending money on animals or plants? I'm really not being cold but you're in dire straits mentally and physically you don't sound well either.
Before you get really upset I want to tell you about how my mom hoarded dogs. We had 8 dogs at one point. The house was filthy. My dad was a hoarder too - not as extreme as your mom. The house was unfinished. The roof leaked in several places in the kitchen everytime it rained. It smelled like dog piss. I felt guilty all the time because there was no way I could equally love 8 dogs and take care of them. I know what it's like to live in someone else's filthy disgusting house. I know what it's like to live with someone who hates themselves and doesn't want to fix anything and who wants to punish you because you can't fix them.
I'm sorry about your plant but I wish you felt that way about yourself. You're more important then a plant, dog, cat, or any other animal. You deserve to be happy and have a happy life. Things might feel worse before they get better and you might have to make some sacrifices in order to get there but you having a clean, safe place, you having health insurance, you having a steady income, and your happiness is most important.
That might sound like "being selfish" to you but it's absolutely not. It's time for you to be your number one concern because nobody's going to care for you the way you care for you. Your parents aren't going to change and suddenly be remorseful if you stick around. You have so much potential but I fear for your mental health if you keep staying in this situation.
My situation wasn't as extreme as yours so clearly you have the eternal optimism outlook going for you. Life is brutal and it's disappointing. I'm not going to pretend it's not especially when you're young and you just want the people who hurt you to admit they were wrong. There's a whole world out there where you don't have to come home to that anymore and where you can avoid people like that. You can choose to live however you want.
That's my novella to you. Each time you post, I read, and I see you sink further into despair. Anybody in those living conditions and living with someone who's totally given up on life would be severely depressed - traumatized or not. If you get mad at me I get it but I felt like it had to be suggested.