My heart aches for my boyfriend...

[Freida]

Yay!!!!! So happy to hear he loved you keeping in contact!

 

[Mach123]

It's thirty years later and my wife and I still do this. It would look different if I described it but it's the same dynamic/foundation. My heart aches for her when I can't get her to pursue me. I get mad when she's away then she comes home and I go all to pieces. Hormones and mother nature are always on 100% lol. The more I yell and tell you (her) to go away the more I want to be conquered. Loved into submission. (It's not very hard.) I don't have to make her prove it anymore. Thirty years is a long time to hang in there with the sh*t we've been through. Thanks for your thread it's lovely. I feel the sentiment. I wish you well.

 

[Jay02]

It's thirty years later and my wife and I still do this. It would look different if I described it but it's the same dynamic/foundation. My heart aches for her when I can't get her to pursue me. I get mad when she's away then she comes home and I go all to pieces. Hormones and mother nature are always on 100% lol. The more I yell and tell you (her) to go away the more I want to be conquered. Loved into submission. (It's not very hard.) I don't have to make her prove it anymore. Thirty years is a long time to hang in there with the sh*t we've been through. Thanks for your thread it's lovely. I feel the sentiment. I wish you well.

Thank you so much! I’m only over a year into my relationship with my boyfriend, but whatever it takes to help him get through this tough time, I’m gonna do it.

 

[NaeNae75]

I understand a lot of what you're going through. I've been doing this with my guy for almost 9 years. He just started EMDR in September and now we still talk and see each other, but in a "broken up"/"unconventional" capacity (that's what he calls it). I want you to be prepared that "a few months" is WAY beyond optimistic. I also have PTSD and was diagnosed 20 years ago. He was diagnosed in 2013-2014...somewhere in there. He's been in therapy on/off....every time he pushes away, this time he is BIG time. From what I've been reading in all of your posts here is that you're having a fairly difficult time. It's hard, and it's very likely to get even harder, so be please be careful and find plenty of ways to handle your own self care.

I don't know if my own PTSD makes it more difficult at times, but it takes me a little bit to get "settled in" even though we've been doing this for a long time. Also, I do have my own Therapist, a support group, my kids, my business, etc to keep me going. My guy stays in contact, and is generally as gentle as he can be, and it still brings up mountains of questions.

It's good to have an "I'll do anything" mindset most of the time, but if not kept in check, it can cause you a lot of anxiety too. Just be careful some of the things you "do" aren't crossing any boundaries for you or him. You MUST have them in order to survive.

 

[Jay02]

I understand a lot of what you're going through. I've been doing this with my guy for almost 9 years. He just started EMDR in September and now we still talk and see each other, but in a "broken up"/"unconventional" capacity (that's what he calls it). I want you to be prepared that "a few months" is WAY beyond optimistic. I also have PTSD and was diagnosed 20 years ago. He was diagnosed in 2013-2014...somewhere in there. He's been in therapy on/off....every time he pushes away, this time he is BIG time. From what I've been reading in all of your posts here is that you're having a fairly difficult time. It's hard, and it's very likely to get even harder, so be please be careful and find plenty of ways to handle your own self care.

I don't know if my own PTSD makes it more difficult at times, but it takes me a little bit to get "settled in" even though we've been doing this for a long time. Also, I do have my own Therapist, a support group, my kids, my business, etc to keep me going. My guy stays in contact, and is generally as gentle as he can be, and it still brings up mountains of questions.

It's good to have an "I'll do anything" mindset most of the time, but if not kept in check, it can cause you a lot of anxiety too. Just be careful some of the things you "do" aren't crossing any boundaries for you or him. You MUST have them in order to survive.

Thank you so much for this. I am definitely starting to get better at self-care (again). I’m starting to develop the mentality that taking care of myself also means that I’m taking care of the relationship.

I know it’s just going to get tougher, but my mentality has always been positive where he’s concerned, especially since he’s the very realistic thinker in our relationship. He has opened up to me in ways that I know he never has before, to anyone, and I find comfort to know that he feels safe with me (even if he doesn’t say it lol).

I’m a lucky girl to be with someone like him and I just want to be as educated about this as much as possible to help myself, and to hopefully help him as well.

Thanks for your input!

 

[NaeNae75]

I’m starting to develop the mentality that taking care of myself also means that I’m taking care of the relationship.

I'm not sure if you meant that you realize you should stop doing this....but this statement screams co-dependence to me. No, taking care of yourself does NOT mean taking care of the relationship. They are two separate things and should be two separate things.

It's not wrong to want to work on your relationship, but to think that it's how you take care of yourself is an extremely slippery slope. It's your job to take care of you, his job to take care of him, and up to BOTH of you to work on the relationship. Relationships take work and patience and mindfulness...etc. I'm not one to advocate for "quitting" when it's rough either...my own relationship is a testament to that. However, it is not healthy for you to base your happiness on it.

It took me a long time and a convoy of truckloads to realize that the only person that can be in charge of bringing me happiness is ME. Learning that is the only reason I have enough in my cup to be able to give to a relationship at the level I have to sometimes. If you mean that taking care of yourself helps you be healthy enough to take care of the relationship...well, than that makes sense. But that's not how you have it worded....and yes there's a difference. A colossal difference.

 

[Jay02]

I'm not sure if you meant that you realize you should stop doing this....but this statement screams co-dependence to me. No, taking care of yourself does NOT mean taking care of the relationship. They are two separate things and should be two separate things.

It's not wrong to want to work on your relationship, but to think that it's how you take care of yourself is an extremely slippery slope. It's your job to take care of you, his job to take care of him, and up to BOTH of you to work on the relationship. Relationships take work and patience and mindfulness...etc. I'm not one to advocate for "quitting" when it's rough either...my own relationship is a testament to that. However, it is not healthy for you to base your happiness on it.

It took me a long time and a convoy of truckloads to realize that the only person that can be in charge of bringing me happiness is ME. Learning that is the only reason I have enough in my cup to be able to give to a relationship at the level I have to sometimes. If you mean that taking care of yourself helps you be healthy enough to take care of the relationship...well, than that makes sense. But that's not how you have it worded....and yes there's a difference. A colossal difference.

That’s what I meant... I’m taking care of myself in a way that helps me bring something positive to my relationship, on my end. I was on the verge of codependency early on, but just like you said, I learned that his stuff is his and that making him the person responsible for my happiness is something I do not want. Sorry for how I worded it, but by him taking care of himself and by me doing the same with my own self-care translates, to me, that we both are working on our relationship because when we do finally come together, it’s positive.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not sure if you meant that you realize you should stop doing this....but this statement screams co-dependence to me. No, taking care of yourself does NOT mean taking care of the relationship. They are two separate things and should be two separate things.

It's not wrong to want to work on your relationship, but to think that it's how you take care of yourself is an extremely slippery slope. It's your job to take care of you, his job to take care of him, and up to BOTH of you to work on the relationship. Relationships take work and patience and mindfulness...etc. I'm not one to advocate for "quitting" when it's rough either...my own relationship is a testament to that. However, it is not healthy for you to base your happiness on it.

It took me a long time and a convoy of truckloads to realize that the only person that can be in charge of bringing me happiness is ME. Learning that is the only reason I have enough in my cup to be able to give to a relationship at the level I have to sometimes. If you mean that taking care of yourself helps you be healthy enough to take care of the relationship...well, than that makes sense. But that's not how you have it worded....and yes there's a difference. A colossal difference.

I think you read it in a way that was not intended, because yes, by taking care of yourself you can also be taking care of the relationship. That is, the same sentence can be read in two different ways.

I see nothing codependent in what the OP says. There’s no “fixing” behavior going on.

 

[NaeNae75]

@Jay02 , I'm sorry if I misread it. I'm glad to know you're taking care of yourself.
@EveHarrington codependency goes beyond just "fixing". "losing yourself" in someone or your relationship is codependent....that's how I originally read it, but Jay02 cleared it up that I read it wrong. That's all....no big deal.

 

[Jay02]

@Jay02 , I'm sorry if I misread it. I'm glad to know you're taking care of yourself.
@EveHarrington codependency goes beyond just "fixing". "losing yourself" in someone or your relationship is codependent....that's how I originally read it, but Jay02 cleared it up that I read it wrong. That's all....no big deal.

No worries! I appreciate your input regardless! :-)

 

[EveHarrington]

@Jay02 , I'm sorry if I misread it. I'm glad to know you're taking care of yourself.
@EveHarrington codependency goes beyond just "fixing". "losing yourself" in someone or your relationship is codependent....that's how I originally read it, but Jay02 cleared it up that I read it wrong. That's all....no big deal.

And again, I saw nothing codependent in what the OP said.

I think maybe you see codependency everywhere because it’s something you struggle with yourself?

 

[Hojay]

I have to agree with @NaeNae75 here, even though the sentence was misinterpreted in this instance. In light of the OP’s other recent posts, I’d also advise to keep your eyes open for codependent tendencies. Codependency doesn’t always mean “fixing.” In fact, a good codependent can swing the other way, not get involved at all, just “be there,” and in the process subconsciously adapt all needs, wants, and behaviors to suit the sufferer’s condition.

A short while ago, the OP’s partner wasn’t even in communication with her. It’s normal to be relieved when communication restarts, but it’s codependent to swallow the hurt and pain something like that causes as to not make the sufferer disappear again. This is not a conscious process. So I’d say that a sentence like “taking care of myself means taking care of the relationship” can also be code for “if I manage my anxiety, wants, and needs well enough, he’ll stay and we’ll work out.” Taking care of yourself shouldn’t be contingent on how likely that’ll keep someone around.

@Jay02 I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer here. Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship. But I have to say this also: education in this context can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, it’s very important to know how this illness manifests to be able to put some stuff into context. On the other, the more you think you know, the higher the risk of excusing painful and hurtful realities under the guise of PTSD. If something hurts, it hurts. When something doesn’t meet your needs, it doesn’t meet your needs. It doesn’t matter what he’s suffering from. Just keep that in mind.