- Post starter
- #97
bellbird
VIP Member
I am moved beyond words by the support and compassion of you all. Thank you from my heart.
Having everyone here with me on this journey, makes such a difference like you wouldn't believe. I hope you can all lift your heads up a little higher, knowing the positive impact you have made on me :)
It will be one of the "big" events of my life, this surgery. And the unknown... the uncertain... is definitely daunting at times.
This morning, I found myself feeling the most nervous about the surgery that I have this entire journey.
If I can compare to any point of reference in my life thus far, it would be to the many academic exams that I have sat.
You can prepare for weeks in advance, as best you can.
You can try to anticipate what it will be like.
But you can never really know, until you're there.
I've tidied all the loose ends that I can in advance.
I've spent months building up my cardio and my lung capacity.
I've been fueling my body with macro- and micronutrients, without restriction.
I've worked with my surgical and post-operative care team to develop a care plan with my other conditions in mind.
And yet I still can't know exactly what to expect, until I'm in it.
And this morning, especially, that scared the f*ck out of me.
But then, I took some deep breaths, and started to reassure myself about why I'm doing this.
We only get one life. And unlike when I was a dancer, life has no dress rehearsal.
I've already been given a second chance the night that my attempted overdose failed.
Not everyone gets a second chance.
I have to make this the best life for me that I can.
There are people whose paths my life has crossed, who are no longer here. Family... friends...
They no longer have the opportunity to make choices to live a better life.
But I do.
I've tried every other option available to me; chiropractics, physiotherapy, acupuncture, scoliosis-specific massage, yoga, core pilates... my curve has kept progressing.
If I don't have this surgery, my curves will continue to progress.
My spine is losing its flexibility with age. And this surgery will already be many times harder than if I would have had it when bestie did.
This surgery will give me a better life, than if I weren't to have it.
Why wait any longer, to make a better life for myself?
It's ok to feel scared.
It's ok to feel nervous.
And it's ok to doubt myself sometimes.
I need to remember the words my supervisor said to me last year when I was inpatient.
"It might be hard, but that doesn't mean you can't do it".
I need to remember what I have fought through so far in my life.
My years of abuse.
A failed suicide attempt.
And an eating disorder that was leading me to my death.
All made me feel scared.
All made me feel nervous.
And all made me doubt myself at times.
But I'm here, which means I got through all of them.
Be brave, bellbird.
Be scared, and nervous, and doubtful. But continue on.
Remind yourself why you are doing this.
Remind yourself that you have people supporting you. People who care about you. People who will help you to get through this.
Remind yourself that it is your duty to make the best of your life.
Remind yourself that not everyone gets second chances.
So let's make the most of ours.
