I feel like I'm having a groundhog anxiety day...

[SeekingAfrica]

I think some of you know, I am struggling with recent job loss. I have a side gig that barely makes anything, but barely anything is better than nothing. So I am trying to juggle the side gig with looking for work. But lack of work in my mind connects to the time that started my PTSD. And so any time I have work trouble or financial trouble it's like I snap.

Suddenly I'm so anxious that working feels like I am doing everything through fever, all distorted and blurred, and hard to concentrate through the panic. I make todo lists that I know are too long, but I know they just need to get done, so I can't cut them down. And then I try to take things task by task, but I am on such high anxiety, that everything feels like it takes forever, I need more time for each task, I need more breaks between tasks. Half of the time I feel between fainting and throwing up. And everything I have learned or improved in the last year stops having any meaning. All that is left is this dragging feeling that I won't get through the next week, that everything is behind, everything is too slow, impossible, hard. Everything starts jumbling and mashing in my brain and I start going in survival mode.

And yes, with some determination, I manage to get through some tasks, despite the anxiety. It's like hanging on the top of the anxiety wave, it's like I am putting the anxiety on hold while I do a task, and push myself to do the task despite my heart racing. But that isn't a good way to go, because my body fatigues fast from all the anxiety. I have meds, and thank God for that, because at least I am not crying nonstop. I have appointment at the mental health center on thursday to talk about these recent developments. But in the meantime I am just tired of repeating this circle of crazy amounts of anxiety any time anything major goes wrong. I will try to read some of the DBT book today, but in the meantime I'm just at a loss. My whole body is fighting between what I must do to stay afloat financially and what my health needs. I'm just at a loss a bit.

 

[Mr Man]

So sorry to hear you are struggling. It sound only too familiar to me, I used the to do list, and the “do one thing at a time” approach. I hear your frustration because it does feel like a momentous task. What helped me, was being told to stop fighting it – i.e. being frustrated with how long it takes to get better. I would put “go for a walk” in the to do list and when I got back, relaxed, I was more productive.

If you priorities your healing, then you’ll mend faster and be able to earn well sooner. Maybe pepper your to do list, with reminders to do something that relaxes you ? I use to measure my healing. For example, if you’re on this forum for a long while, look back at your earlier post and see how more rational you are. I also met up with someone with PTSD and was reminded how ill I use to be, but more importantly how much I’ve healed. If its measured, it gets done. Wishing you peace and a quick recovery. You sound very aware of what’s going on, so I just know you’ll heal, its just a case of how quickly.

By the way if you're "Seeking Africa" its right below Europe, you can't miss it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So sorry to hear you are struggling. It sound only too familiar to me, I used the to do list, and the “do one thing at a time” approach. I hear your frustration because it does feel like a momentous task. What helped me, was being told to stop fighting it – i.e. being frustrated with how long it takes to get better. I would put “go for a walk” in the to do list and when I got back, relaxed, I was more productive.

If you priorities your healing, then you’ll mend faster and be able to earn well sooner. Maybe pepper your to do list, with reminders to do something that relaxes you ? I use to measure my healing. For example, if you’re on this forum for a long while, look back at your earlier post and see how more rational you are. I also met up with someone with PTSD and was reminded how ill I use to be, but more importantly how much I’ve healed. If its measured, it gets done. Wishing you peace and a quick recovery. You sound very aware of what’s going on, so I just know you’ll heal, its just a case of how quickly.

Thanks. It seems like a good approach, but so hard to do. I am so scared, I only have money left for a week, barely, so I need to be making something right now. And that is almost like an intrusive thought. It blocks my ability to apply because I keep thinking, I have one shot at this, I need this work, right now. It's mind-numbing thinking of what would happen if I don't find something soon.

It's something like a cycle. One day I'm fine, I have a lot of ideas and actions and search and all that... And the next day I wake up in blind panic, cry until my chest hurts, and I can only do certain jobs. Or I lose several hours for calming myself and moving out of that feeling like I won't survive this. Hours when I should be applying.

I know, I'm not a child anymore. And maybe I should just adapt to the fact that my health needs more care in this situation, not less. But it's still scary. It brings that feeling in me, the one where I feel angry and disappointed at myself for these reactions. Angry that I'm in this situation again. That feeling like I have to be able to approach the job search completely calm and without emotions, that I have to make use of every minute and not sleep until I have work and... and I know this isn't healthy and it doesn't work. But it's my underlying reaction, go to reaction when my mind panics. I will need to change that...

 

[Mr Man]

Would problem solving help you right now ? PTSD makes us amplify worries, could that be at play here ? Have you consider self employment as well as employment ? I run a business and I would take a chance trialing someone for a day or week, more readily than I would employ someone. I get people walking in with a CV (resume) in their hand offering to work for free so I trial them, and it impresses me that they've made the effort. Even if we don't need them, that CV goes on file in case I need someone.

Theres a business park near me with over 150 business, I've sent someone leafleting around that park, and in just one day they normally get a job or two for my business. Business talk, so that then leads to a few more referrals, and off you go. If you want to brain storm, feel free to PM me (I'm not on here every day though). If you're self employed in my country, there's also financial support to get you up and going (grants) but you can also get business loans. Conversely theres also financial support in my country if you have a disability (PTSD qualifies you). If you problem solve, write a to do list, this may reduce the anxiety as it reduces the false amplification of the problem.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Would problem solving help you right now ? PTSD makes us amplify worries, could that be at play here ?

Yes and no. The situation is pretty bad, but there is a temporary gig which could be useful since it pays weekly. But you have to take a test and you have 2 tries, and I failed the first try. If I fail once more I lose the right to try for 2 weeks. My rent is due, I have to pay it in 4 chunks and I only have 1, no savings, bills are starting to come in and so on...Not pretty.

BUT I did some good brainstorming in the last couple of days and I have an idea how to handle this long-term. For short term I only have 1 option so far. I had 2 others but they are not working. I am also a foreigner here so getting loans or financial aid is tricky. Plus I can't afford doing anything 'under the table'(not that I was ever really much for that). So yeah, situation is bad.

The way PTSD makes it worse is that it starts to look like I only have one shot to get this right and can't afford to fail. And that feeling amplified to a point where it makes it hard to try. The logical way of looking at this is: I am okay today and for several days at least, I have roof over my head and food, for now. And just because I failed that exam doesn't mean I will fail again. And if we are looking at track record for getting through crises, mine is pretty good. So I should stop thinking of how I may fail tomorrow, but concentrate on all the action I can take today. To tell myself that I am smart, I have university degree, I have a lot of things to apply for and ways to get through this situation, and I may not know how the pieces will fit together, but that I will get through this.

But yeah, I am going between waves, logical vs. PTSD feeling and I'll just have to deal. Thank you for the offer, I may write you to brainstorm if need be. In the meantime I think I need to brush on my DBT skills in distress tolerance and self-soothing, seems needed.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Yes and no. The situation is pretty bad, but there is a temporary gig which could be useful since it pays weekly. But you have to take a test and you have 2 tries, and I failed the first try. If I fail once more I lose the right to try for 2 weeks. My rent is due, I have to pay it in 4 chunks and I only have 1, no savings, bills are starting to come in and so on...Not pretty.

BUT I did some good brainstorming in the last couple of days and I have an idea how to handle this long-term. For short term I only have 1 option so far. I had 2 others but they are not working. I am also a foreigner here so getting loans or financial aid is tricky. Plus I can't afford doing anything 'under the table'(not that I was ever really much for that). So yeah, situation is bad.

The way PTSD makes it worse is that it starts to look like I only have one shot to get this right and can't afford to fail. And that feeling amplified to a point where it makes it hard to try. The logical way of looking at this is: I am okay today and for several days at least, I have roof over my head and food, for now. And just because I failed that exam doesn't mean I will fail again. And if we are looking at track record for getting through crises, mine is pretty good. So I should stop thinking of how I may fail tomorrow, but concentrate on all the action I can take today. To tell myself that I am smart, I have university degree, I have a lot of things to apply for and ways to get through this situation, and I may not know how the pieces will fit together, but that I will get through this.

But yeah, I am going between waves, logical vs. PTSD feeling and I'll just have to deal. Thank you for the offer, I may write you to brainstorm if need be. In the meantime I think I need to brush on my DBT skills in distress tolerance and self-soothing, seems needed.

I think you're handling it the best you can right now. What I've come to find is that there are just periods in our lives when things are really uncomfortable and there's just no getting around it. You are where you are in your life and you will improve over time but it's hard to see that when things in the present are worrying you. I have done more research on job ideas if you are still looking for stuff but I think few of them pay immediately.

You're already thinking long-term which is good. What I've found with this self-employment stuff is that we need a Plan A, B and C. Even if we have two or three jobs they can cut us quick because it's independent contractor work. We need to try and get some other steady gigs that have low weekly commitments but can potentially develop. As per Appen I hope that's coming along. There is also Lionbridge, iSoftstone and I think others. I think you can't work for more than one of these guys at a time just as an fyi.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I think you're handling it the best you can right now. What I've come to find is that there are just periods in our lives when things are really uncomfortable and there's just no getting around it. You are where you are in your life and you will improve over time but it's hard to see that when things in the present are worrying you. I have done more research on job ideas if you are still looking for stuff but I think few of them pay immediately.

You're already thinking long-term which is good. What I've found with this self-employment stuff is that we need a Plan A, B and C. Even if we have two or three jobs they can cut us quick because it's independent contractor work. We need to try and get some other steady gigs that have low weekly commitments but can potentially develop. As per Appen I hope that's coming along. There is also Lionbridge, iSoftstone and I think others. I think you can't work for more than one of these guys at a time just as an fyi.

I am praying for you just as an fyi.