Do I have cPTSD

[medindexer]

A very brief account of what has lead to me thinking I may have complex PTSD.

My wife (now ex) developed an acute psychosis out of the blue in 2011 - her age was early 50s. She was hospitalised for a month or so. Truly awful to see her terror through it all (and I was terrified too). Unfortunately I was the focus of her paranoias. Me + conspirators. During the acute incident I was threatened with a weapon that you only see in movies (it felt like I was in one). Even more unfortunately, she refused me any communication with her health care team. It was so isolating. She was back to a functional life in months, but never seemed to get over me. The best I got was that I was `no longer a threat' and if I was not `guilty' why did I not help her against `conspirators'.

The next 3 years I did my best to help her (she never saw me as a carer). I avoided anything that would raise the emotional heat (that she warned upset her). She did a few things with me, like going away for a few days, but there was little joy. Then one day she said she was leaving in 1/2 hour and that she'd instigated divorce proceedings. I've been living on my own since 2015 and a year later fell into deep depression from which I still suffer. A lot of losses over a very short period - partner , house, children (who were at the age for leaving home and have indeed left now), retirement age (it should have been).

In the decade or so prior to 2011, she seemed to fall out of love with me to a position of increasing contempt, criticism, blame (always 100% my fault). It was kept away from the children all the time (she was dedicated to them - can't fault here there). We used to once enjoy having discussions about controversial topics, but it changed and all to often she'd get very angry with me. Sometimes she was raging from close up in my face. Occasionally, her anger would raise me to anger, but then she got angrier still. If ever she cried, I felt for her, and wanted to console her, but if ever I cried, she hated my tears. I used to say to my best friend that my wife has a special `madness' for me - with everyone else she seemed fine. She also said to me that everyone thinks I'm so so nice, but they don't know what I'm really like to live with. This behaviour bewildered me totally. I went to a marriage guidance counsellor, and then asked my wife to come (who said it would be a waste of time - she was right about that). All this time, whenever incidents happened, I felt frozen. It was scary to be on the end of her tongue lashing. Sometimes, I tried to go to another part of the house to escape. There were some what I now see as warning symptoms of impending psychosis - there was a valuable document that she'd mislaid/lost but she was certain that I'd taken - 100% certain. My behaviour/expressions she said when I was cross-examined by her was that of a guilty person. There was no way I could prove my innocence.

And here is the spooky thing, her mum developed a psychosis at the same age, and it had a very similar pattern to my ex-wife's.

Overall, I even began to doubt my own sanity. Was I perhaps an awful person and didn't even know it? I feel so damaged by it all, and though I've been away from her for nearly 4 years, I'm suffering for it, suffering so much. I have these feelings that I should be so angry at what she's done to me, but then I know it wasn't her fault (she had a bad relationship with her mum). Everything (readings/advice) tells me this is not a healthy place to be.

Complex PTSD does seem to be a diagnosis from what I have read and I'd be interested in anyone who has informed knowledge on this. I understand that cPTSD relates to chronic exposure to stressors and trauma, which I'd put myself in.

Thank you for taking the time to read my account.

 

[Kubash16]

First, none of us are doctors or know you personally and therefore cannot diagnose you.

Second, you list some potential causes but (unless I read incorrectly) I don’t see much mention of symptoms.

Third, CPTSD is not currently in the DSM. If you were to be diagnosed it would likely be traditional PTSD comorbid with other things. Your doctor may talk to you about CPTSD, but until it’s in the DSM insurance companies will not recognize it.

Fourth, are you currently in therapy? Regardless of any diagnosis therapy could be a great benefit for you.

Fifth, welcome to our community, we are glad to have you and will answer any questions you have. ?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

CPTSD is controversial, in the regards of whether if exists, whether it’s name should actually be Developmental Trauma Disorder, or if it’s just a fancy way of describing Borderline Personality Disorder.

It’s defining characteristics are issues with affect regulation and attachment, which is why it is most linked to survivors of childhood abuse.

I don’t know if you have it. But, I would just caution against searching for a diagnosis that might not fit: better to talk with a professional. And if you don’t have it, all tre more reason to celebrate: CPTSD is considered to be life long.

And as a side note, and member of this community, as someone who has CPTSD and DID, I know I am reacting to this. It could just be my stuff. But the sort of trauma that produces the level of distress is usually pretty awful, and usually from a very young age.

Here is a good resource: What is C-PTSD? — Beauty After Bruises

 

[medindexer]

Thank you very for your contributions. Definitions do include adult trauma/abuse, including the domestic environment, but as u said, not DSM recognised.
I find it difficult to demonise my ex's treatment of me, as she likely was damaged by mum, and then got the psychosis. I wish I could just straightforward hate her and what she did to me.

 

[Kubash16]

Unfortunately, in my experience, nothing is ever straightforward. You don’t have to demonize her to feel hurt. We can feel hurt all the time by people who genuinely care about us.

Are you in therapy?

 

[medindexer]

Unfortunately, in my experience, nothing is ever straightforward. You don’t have to demonize her to feel hurt. We can feel hurt all the time by people who genuinely care about us.

Are you in therapy?

Yes, in therapy. A good person but not a clue, after 7 months if it's helping. I believe it can be a long process, and one has to patient (pun unintended).

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@medindexer I think what I was trying to say, and maybe not articulating, is that CPTSD is characterized not by severity of trauma per se, but by reaction and concurrent dysfunction. So, it doesn't matter if your trauma was in adult life or in childhood, but rather how disorganized and disrupted your life and worldview are as a result. The developing mind is more fragile than the already developed mind, which is why most people who develop CPTSD aka Developmental Trauma Disorder experienced the trauma when they were developing. CPTSD results in fairly severe dysfunction.

I don't know your story, and I don't know your symptoms, and I can't diagnose anyways, but I know that many of us here are a little wary of those who want to co-opt our labels to try to explain away less severe dysfunction. And, as I said, I am probably reacting a bit to my own story here, as I don't know yours .... but please just be cautious about the impact you might have in assuming that you have CPTSD without a professional diagnosis.

 

[Kubash16]

Yes, in therapy. A good person but not a clue, after 7 months if it's helping. I believe it can be a long process, and one has to patient (pun unintended).

A good way to tell if it is working is first, asking your therapist directly. Second, have you learned coping skills and been able to successfully put them into practice at least some of the time?

Don’t focus on how much time therapy will take, trust me.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you asked your current treating mental health provider if you have cPTSD? That’s the person to ask.

As explained, no one here can diagnose and self diagnosis or diagnosis via internet search of a serious mental health disorder is not recommended.

 

[EveHarrington]

A very brief account of what has lead to me thinking I may have complex PTSD.

Actually, in ptsd-land, your post is very long.

Many of us can’t read long posts. Our brains just don’t have the patience anymore.

 

[medindexer]

I put down a lengthy post as I felt I had to give my 'story'. I was wanting to be proactive about my condition with any professionals I come across, as it's so easy to down the wrong pathways....I certainly know that in such important matters as the diagnosis of a psychiatric condition, it's a mistake to trawling randomly on the internet. My background is in medicine and I've worked on a lot of books in clinical psychology, but I recognise I'm a complete amateur in matters of the mind. Nevertheless, it was while I was working on one book that I came across the notion if cPTSD.
I obviously have depression now, but I'm wanting to know if it's in a background of psychological trauma or not. If trauma is important in my case, then maybe that might impact on treatment considerations.
All my background knowledge counted for virtually nothing when my ex fell into her psychosis. You'd think it obvious but it wasn't.

 

[Kubash16]

Don’t beat yourself up about your ex.

Also, while Eve does have point in that some on here have trouble with longer posts that certainly does not encompass everyone. I, for one, can handle long posts just fine as long as I’m not symptomatic. That’s actually a way I can tell I’m starting to dysregulate is how well I’m able to focus when reading. You aren’t responsible for knowing if anyone can handle it, everyone is adults and can manage their own stuff. Detail is important, so I appreciate the length of your post.

However, have you talked to your therapist about the possibility of CPTSD?