Gonna see abuser soon...

[sprout]

I'm going to a wedding very soon where I'll have to see the man who abused me when I was younger. I thought I was feeling brave about it but typing out that last sentence made the room spin for a little bit and I'm having trouble breathing. So much for "finally learning to feel and listen to my body" lol. It's his daughter's wedding so he will absolutely be there. I'm thinking that might make him very busy and maybe it'll be easier than usual to avoid him??
Either way he's at A LOT of family gatherings that I "have to" go to. I don't really want to open up to my family about why I don't want to be around him and I actually really like my aunt who he's married to. Looking for advice I guess on how to keep family relationships intact when my abuser is so intertwined with them. It seems impossible to separate the two. And any attempt to limit my contact with my family or ehyven ask for common courtesies like knowing when they are visiting (they live a few hours away!! and still don't give me much advance notice), who will be at events etc. are met with lots of questions, or guilt trips, or just ignored honestly. Part of it's because my family is an unhealthy family and can be quite inconsiderate and part is because they're just disorganized when it comes to planning and do things last minute.

I don't know I'm feeling very restless thinking about having to deal with him being in my family for the rest of his life. I also feel very sad thinking about how I don't think there's anyone in my family I could ever safely/comfortably open up to about the abuse. I also don't know how to set healthy boundaries when it comes to seeing/contacting family cause they push against them so much and I freak out and let them tbh. Any advice, comments, or even "same here"s?

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have any advice because I’m kind of dealing with a similar situation, but I feel ya. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Either way he's at A LOT of family gatherings that I "have to" go to.

Remembering that you are choosing to go and that you are an adult now who can take many actions to protect yourself can help reduce the fight or flight fear.

Is there anyone else that knows?

Maybe you could invite a friend to come with you? Even if they don't know, I've brought a friend before, and I've been the safe supportive friend that has gone with someone else to a family event. It gave them a good distraction and measure of safety, and sometimes families act better around guests.

 

[scout86]

Last fall, I decided to tell 4 members of my extended family why I've skipped pretty much every family event the last 40 years. It's a big family, but these were the people I really cared about. One of them is actually the older brother of the perp. It went well. They were awesome. They understood and I think they have my back. I felt I owed them an explanation because I could see how they might think i wasn't around because I didn't care that couldn't be more wrong.

In some ways, nothing's changed. The perp still feels free to come & go as he pleases and i don't. But at least I can now ask if he's going to be there, hope that sometimes he won't be, and at least people I care about know why I'm not there. I DO think you have to pick who you talk to. In this one case, if you're going, by all means take someone with you. Preferably someone who knows.

 

[sprout]

Remembering that you are choosing to go and that you are an adult now who can take many actions to protect yourself can help reduce the fight or flight fear.

Is there anyone else that knows?

Maybe you could invite a friend to come with you? Even if they don't know, I've brought a friend before, and I've been the safe supportive friend that has gone with someone else to a family event. It gave them a good distraction and measure of safety, and sometimes families act better around guests.

I think that's the problem with anything having to do with my family. I never feel like I actually have a choice in things. If I skip out on something my family just guilts me for ages and will bring it up when I try and dip out of future things or even get really mad at me. But I guess that's part of making choices as an adult lol having to deal with the consequences even if those consequences are disproportionate or nonsensical.

Last fall, I decided to tell 4 members of my extended family why I've skipped pretty much every family event the last 40 years. It's a big family, but these were the people I really cared about. One of them is actually the older brother of the perp. It went well. They were awesome. They understood and I think they have my back. I felt I owed them an explanation because I could see how they might think i wasn't around because I didn't care that couldn't be more wrong.

In some ways, nothing's changed. The perp still feels free to come & go as he pleases and i don't. But at least I can now ask if he's going to be there, hope that sometimes he won't be, and at least people I care about know why I'm not there. I DO think you have to pick who you talk to. In this one case, if you're going, by all means take someone with you. Preferably someone who knows.

I'm so happy for you that the family you told were so supportive! So far no one in my family knows. I've wanted to tell one of my sisters for a while but every time I've tried someone interrupts us. She's also VERY emotionally unstable, can be quite selfish, and at times can be vindictive when she feels hurt by someone so I think I, unfortunately, shouldn't open up to her. It makes me sad to not tell her because she's the closest in age to me and I feel like there's no one else who understands my family and childhood the way she does ?
Funny enough the cousin whose wedding it was is actually someone I think would be very understanding and supportive but the perp is her dad and unfortunately, I'm still in that part of recovery where I doubt myself ALL the damn time so I'd feel very guilty telling her and then dealing with my doubt at the same time. But who knows what the future holds!

As an update for anyone else going through a similar situation: The wedding is now over and it actually went......okay. My wife was having a really bad mental health day so I ended up having to go alone. I spent most of the time with my teenage siblings who I adore so so much and this made it bearable and even a little fun. I was able to completely avoid my tio!! I mean I still saw him and made eye contact which terrified me but no physical contact or talking so I'm counting that as a win!

I could see him placing himself in places where he thought I would pass by and therefore have to interact but as soon as I saw that I'd turn right the f*ck around and go in a different direction or hide in the bathroom for a few minutes lol. It made me seem a little awkward running to the bathroom every 10 minutes or asking people to get me food but I'll take that over having to hug my rapist ?

ALSO I kind of think he knows why I'm doing this??? Ever since the last family gathering, I've been running from him like the wind with no explanation and I KNOW he's noticed. He's usually one of those "where's my hug/kiss" kinda people and he's even gone so far in the past as to tell my mom that he thinks I act like I don't like him and that that makes him sad so that she'd relay the message to me (when I was a CHILD btw) and tell me to be more affectionate with him. He hasn't done that this time around. He keeps his mouth shut and looks at me kind of warily now (or at least that's how I'm perceiving it). He still tries to make me interact with him but he's not taking the chance of saying anything around other people anymore. He's acting like he's guilty of something and scared I might say something. I have a huge problem with believing my abuse is real so this is actually weirdly validating.

 

[scout86]

Funny enough the cousin whose wedding it was is actually someone I think would be very understanding and supportive but the perp is her dad

Like I said, one of the people I told is the older brother of the perp. Because of unplanned, beyond my control, circumstances, he was the first person i told of the group. He paused, thought, and said he totally believed me. You really don't know what secrets your cousin might have and wish to share, do you?

I'm glad the wedding went well! I hope believing yourself gets easier. I think it will.

Your uncle REALLY sounds like a creep, btw.

 

[sprout]

Like I said, one of the people I told is the older brother of the perp. Because of unplanned, beyond my control, circumstances, he was the first person i told of the group. He paused, thought, and said he totally believed me. You really don't know what secrets your cousin might have and wish to share, do you?

I'm glad the wedding went well! I hope believing yourself gets easier. I think it will.

Your uncle REALLY sounds like a creep, btw.

Yeah that's a good way to think about it. I know for sure he was physically and verbally abusive to her. She even ran away a couple of times as a teenager. And thanks, believing has been getting easier and easier with time. I'm definitely less in denial than I was when I started this whole process.

I know I shouldn't rely on outside validation but people confirming my suspicions about him being a creep mean a lot and really help me trust my instincts a lot more. Thank you so much for always replying to me on this forum btw it's really really appreciated

 

[hithere]

Gotta tell you if I knew I was going to see my abuser I would not go. I would come up sick, just suddenly sick as a dog. I don't know how I would deal with it if they were showing up all of the time. My mother was also my abuser and it is so difficult to be around her and I have to force myself to do it or the guilt feelngs of not doing my duty toward to my mother is greater than the aversion at seeing her. Good Luck. I have no advice. That sounds REALLY hard

 

[sprout]

Gotta tell you if I knew I was going to see my abuser I would not go. I would come up sick, just suddenly sick as a dog. I don't know how I would deal with it if they were showing up all of the time. My mother was also my abuser and it is so difficult to be around her and I have to force myself to do it or the guilt feelngs of not doing my duty toward to my mother is greater than the aversion at seeing her. Good Luck. I have no advice. That sounds REALLY hard

In the same boat with my mom. Although I don't think she meant to be abusive just had a lot of personal issues as well as her own childhood abuse idk I'm still working through my feelings about her. Good luck to you too and thanks for your thoughts :)