Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

It’s the exact same feeling I used to have when I’d get off the school bus and go right to the pedophile’s house. Even after he stopped abusing me. Except his house was pretty clean. Except one room but I should definitely not talk about that right now.

 

[littleoc]

Useless post For my benefit

I think (it’s probably not true) Taylor Swift said hi to me. But probably not! Her parents live twenty minutes away. Or did. I doubt they’re still there? Also I don’t know who said hi to me and said I have a nice dog. I don’t ever know who anyone is, and Nestle said I don’t know her, so that‘s all I know. That kid might have been trolling me. Though people are usually not as troll-y to me now days. Disabilities are less funny to people once you’re out of high school. Lol. But I didn’t see a paparazzi so that’s probably my answer. It was at a public event in the city so I feel like I would see it in the news almost immediately if she HAD been around the area I was, because it would be good PR. All entertainers need good PR.

I’m 99% positive I haven’t seen her in person before, unless as kids we went to the same daycare, but that’s highly unlikely.

Talking about that calmed me down! Going home now.

 

[littleoc]

SHE PUT SEVEN DIRTY TOWELS ON THE FLOOR AND THEY ARE SOAKED AND IN THE WAY OF THE SHOWER.

 

[littleoc]

I literally can’t deal with this.

 

[MrMoonlight]

You are safe littloc, breathe and try to calm your system if you can. Did you find a stupid or silly show to watch?

 

[littleoc]

Thank you. I did, I watched it for about an hour or so? I meant to go to bed at a decent time tonight. I have an appointment with a massager tomorrow, first time trying it out. I am considering canceling though because it’s so late now. It took several hours to be able to approach my mom’s bathroom to shower. The towels are in the way of everything. I wish my bathroom had a shower. I hate this place so much. I hate how guilty I feel about it and I hate the “dark” flashbacks that I don’t even understand what I’m afraid of in. That was a badly written sentence but I don’t know how to fix it :(

Anyway, yeah.. I finally showered. I watched a dumb silly show. I’m sitting in my bed that could use a wash itself, and also needs to be fixed because it’s leaning again and hurting my back worse. And now I’m stressed because of my dog needs another surgery, she can’t stay here. She could get really, really hurt here — in fact, already has.

And those towels are going to stay stuck in the bathroom for days until well after they’ve molded up. Several of the towels are mine and nestle’s. (Yeah, Nestle has her own towels.) I took extra doses of anti-freak out meds and I can’t focus. I need the Concerta back but I can’t afford it.

Maybe the non-profit psychiatry office will pay for it.

I can’t cook, either, and now even doing laundry is terrible. The water heater and washing machine feel like doom (????????!!!!!) and the drier my mom got is stupid and doesn’t trap all the lint. How do I know? Well, you can see it sticking out of the exhaust pipe thingy on both ends, because the part connected to the outside wall isn’t even actually connected. So it fills the entire room with steam and bits of lint. All over the place.

And the room is so full of stuff that the stuff touches the ceiling. My twin brother and I cleaned a path to the breaker box once and the electrician who came by — hired by my grandparents — was probably terrified.

He fixed our stuff though.

This sucks. Why do I have to be so afraid of water?? My favorite sport is swimming! This trigger is stupid and makes no sense.

 

[littleoc]

I forgot the “calm down the system” part. My head hurts so badly. The meds are supposed to lower my blood pressure so I imagine that’s not helping the headache.

I get headaches every time I panic for some reason. They are very bad headaches. I’m not sure if it happens to everyone or just some people or maybe no one.

I definitely can’t live without a service dog. If Nestle weren’t here right now I’d be in so much danger right now. She was sitting outside the bathroom door reminding me to hurry up.

She also alerted me in University when the toilet malfunctioned and started flooding two dorms. Unvisity bought me a free dinner at a five star restaurant though. Did you know that 40$ can buy you an undercooked salmon filet that’s about an ounce, on top of two mini baby potatoes drizzled in some kind of weird wine sauce? They said they served it to me raw to show off how fresh it was. They also put a lemon in Nestle’s water so I’m not really convinced they knew what they were doing.

Because another time a they served me roasted duck and it was by far the WORST duck I had ever tasted. It was apparently worth $60??? Good thing I didn’t pay for it, lol. It was served on top of some awful risotto. My favorite part of the meal was the sweet potatoes because they didn’t try to season them with anything but olive oil. The duck? It was roasted in RASPBERRY TEA. Ugh. I can still taste it when people talk about duck now. They didn’t even cook the duck properly so it was horribly chewey (not in a normal way) and I was slightly concerned it was poisoned or something. It was better when I took tiny bites.

They have reopened as a pizza place that specializes in serving octopus pizza. I’m not joking. I haven’t gone back to see how it tastes. They have no clue what they’re doing, lol.

Also the salad that served me was literally one leaf of arugula with a tea-spooned sized serving of something on top. No joke. I have pictures. It would have been good if I had more than a taste of it, probably.

I told @somerandomguy about it pretty soon after it happened, I think! Fun times.

 

[littleoc]

There! I did the calm down thing. Now to try to sleep. Hopefully the extra medication I took will help prevent nightmares.

But I’m going to have to deal with this trigger AGAIN for probably several weeks straight because I’m sure as raspberry tea duck not going to f*cking touch them.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Having dirty towels out like that would really stress me out too. Glad you were able to step around, over through, you don't need more challenges in that house, but you got through it (hi-five), seems like it's got you snowballing a little. You do have some hard decisions to make for sure, hopefully, you can distract yourself a little more tonight and put them off until tomorrow. I have trouble with sleep too and for me, rumination and future trippin' before bed makes things worse.

I know you will think things through and find the right path forward because you are smart and thoughtful. Sleep well, glad you were able to relax a little. You will get through this littleoc.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, @MrMoonlight :hug: :hug: :hug:

And high five back!!

 

[littleoc]

Does anyone else usually miss when giving a high five? Lol. I either miss or concentrate so hard on not missing that I barely high-five. People think it’s hilarious. Which is possibly questionable — but not really because I think everything is hilarious so it probably makes others laugh when I laugh.

 

[somerandomguy]

Yeah, as I kid I was so uncoordinated that I would miss high fives all the time, so my classmates would high five me on purpose.