General Everybody so strict about table manners, unable to eat?

[Never_falter2]

My vet has combat ptsd, not strict parenting ptsd (or whatever the name for this may be). However he was also brought up quite strict.
His parents, his nannies, his school all wanted to have him good table manners. We are from Europe as you know, where such things might be more important and parenting tends to be stricter. At least this is what I heard.
Typically they just complained about his table manners, but he was also made “stand attention“ besides the dinner table while everybody else was allowed to eat for having bad table manners. He was also physically punished.

Vet can have excellent table manners if he wants too. Typically however he eats like an animal. I am so sorry to say this but it happens to be true. He eats like someone who has been to prison and is afraid someone is going to steal his food now... no, and he has never been to prison. I wonder if too much emphasis on table manners caused that.

At the same time he is so strict about our children’s table manners... maybe the kids had better table manners if their dad would not set such a lousy example for them.

But actually this isn’t even what I wanted to talk about. Sorry, this thread is long and complicated. Vet has a lot of trouble eating. Cannot really get it down. I am very worried. Could this be to blame?

BTW I rarely ever complain about his prison-like table manners nowadays.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’d say the biggest culprit in him not eating is his PTSD... probably his constipation and insomnia too.

Anxiety and stress play hell on your body physically.

 

[Never_falter2]

?????????????????????? I am very worried. He is eating but cannot really get it down and eats just because of self-discipline you know... and this is Really, really sad, you know?

Me, stupid person writing “you know?“ all of the time?

Of course you know, yours is like this too.

Actually I do not want to blame his family because he clearly loves them but sometimes I think they could have done better (be less strict, spend more time raising them instead leaving that to nannies and schools)... well I am not in a position to judge I guess. He clearly loves his family.

Well... vet is trying to be cheerful and we are gonna go hiking today... who knows maybe he’ll eat and sleep well after that... who knows?

 

[Fadeaway]

Childhood PTSD comes from more than just strict parenting. What you're describing is abuse. It could be that his combat PTSD is aggravating childhood issues.

I would say he needs to back off of the kids manners. He is projecting his issues on to them. Also, I wouldn't make an issue about his table manners. It is minor in the scheme of things. Maybe a house rule where when it is just you, him and the kids, table manners aren't as important as they are infront of guests and in public?

 

[Kubash16]

Strict parenting PTSD. . . Yeah no. But I digress.

I wouldn’t want to eat if I was severely constipated either. What you described was abusive and that alone will cause future issues with food, let alone PTSD in general. He does need to back off the kids manners, sure they should be polite in public. But there being such an emphasis on him and on the kids to be “proper” all the time will end up doing it’s own damage. He’s not a child, you are not his mother. Everyone needs a space they can just breathe without worrying about manners and being polite all the time.

Complex PTSD comes from abusive homes, not “strict parenting”.

 

[Never_falter2]

I do not say much about his table manners nowadays... but they are horrible... and I think it might be because he has trouble with food. I’ll describe what I am talking about:

Sometimes he doesn’t sit down and just eats while standing while everybody else sits there... eats everything with his fingers... and really wolfs down his food as if someone was going to steal it from his plate the next minute...
On the other hand sometimes he eats as if the food was poisoned and he must find out where exactly the poison is in order not to die... makes little heaps of the things he is not going to eat on his plate.

Yesterday for example we had cake and he broke it into little pieces, sorted them into pieces he liked and those he did not like... and then... slowly another crumb.... and another crumb... and so on... (Today we had cake again and he left while the gelatin in his plate).

I typically don’t say a thing nowadays.
I used to be mad at him for wolfing food down because I felt it was disrespectful but nowadays I just say “come on, sit down and use the cutlery. I costs the same money as standing there“ (as we like to say in my country).

... and when he has trouble eating... like breaking his cake into little pieces... I don’t say a negative thing... I just say “Please try to eat something“... and feel very sad.

 

[Sideways]

My parents were “strict about my table manners”.

One of the things I’m incredibly grateful for. Some people seem to think that it’s unnecessary. I personally see it as a skill, which I now have because they persisted.

Try not to mix up issues. Your parenting style is not the reason he can’t eat right now. He has ptsd. He has major gastrointestinal issues going on.

By the time you can’t eat and can’t shit, it’s probably time to see a doctor. If this has suddenly gotten worse, then it could be something serious.

 

[Never_falter2]

Everybody needs a space they can just breathe without worrying about manners and being polite all the time.

Sorry this off-topic but I couldn’t disagree more.
I think my vet is not ill-mannered and impolite... he just sometimes has no table manners.

However I know some men, who as soon as they where married became ill-mannered and impolite. Sorry to say this, but those men would not be married to me for a long time.

As a woman (and as a person) I demand to be respected and whoever if my husband thought that he could treat me with impoliteness he would be searching for a new wifey very quickly. I am just saying this because I see how some men treat their wifes... which is a bleeding shame... of course it is different if somebody has a bad day ones in a while... I am talking about men here who think that they do not owe their wife’s the politeness they owe a perfect stranger.

 

[Kubash16]

Sorry this off-topic but I couldn’t disagree more.
I think my vet is not ill-mannered and impolite... he just sometimes has no table manners.

However I know some men, who as soon as they where married became ill-mannered and impolite. Sorry to say this, but those men would not be married to me for a long time.

As a woman (and as a person) I demand to be respected and whoever if my husband thought that he could treat me with impoliteness he would be searching for a new wifey very quickly. I am just saying this because I see how some men treat their wifes... which is a bleeding shame... of course it is different if somebody has a bad day ones in a while... I am talking about men here who think that they do not owe their wife’s the politeness they owe a perfect stranger.

I personally feel like not being perfect while eating at home is a far cry from treating your wife like crap. But okay.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sideways Actually he always has trouble with eating right... by which I mean that he cannot eat they healthy stuff but can eat the cupcake... cupcake being his version of what breakfast cereal used to be for you... and sometimes he cannot eat well not even cupcake.

He also always has constipation... actually I made him seek the advice of a medical doctor in the past who said that his diet was the reason for him having constipation not the other way around. Actually sorry for TMI but I do not want anybody to worry his constipation is better than it was when I wrote the other thread. He... I wonder how that is said in English... pooped yesterday and he pooped today... he only had to strain very much and I think it sucked for him. He is also not eating nothing. Sorry if I gave a wrong impression. He is eating, but he has to force it down because he totally doesn’t feel like eating.

You know, I would so love to make him see a medical doctor again... but he doesn’t want to see one... and I think it is not an emergency...

 

[Justmehere]

That’s great that his GI issues are improving! I’d suggest backing off on pressure around food for a few weeks and seek what happens. The best way for me to become anxious about eating: if someone else is focusing on every bite I take.

As for the kids, maybe when binge are going well and you are not at the table with the kids, have talk about what you would both like to teach them, what to enforce, and how, in terms of table manners.

 

[Never_falter2]

I am happy I have table manners (I hope I have table manners) and I hope our children will grow up to have table manners, but I think that making somebody stand attention to teach them about table manners is the wrong way. That is too strict parenting to my mind and I think it made vet feel unhappy and unloved and maybe also anxious about food.