Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Also the Christian dude who caters our dinner at the synagogue was saying extremely anti-Islam stuff to me when no one else was around and I froze up. I think that dude might be dangerous? Homeland Security asked us to report stuff like that to prevent another shooting but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to find the number. I’m a little confused about who I’m supposed to tell all to.

I guess I could talk to the rabbis. They’d probably know more, since they’re more experienced than I am.

I really like the Christian dude and he’ll know it was me who snitched. So that sucks.

Although there was a cop nearby who he was talking to, also about anti-Islam stuff. Sketchy. I interrupted their conversation with a fact and then he started preaching at me how all Muslims will kill you if you don’t kill them. It made me really uncomfortable and I couldn’t talk back. I mean physically — I tried to but my voice was gone. Sigh. They’re both cool dudes towards me, not sure why they would want to say something like they were.

Anyway, it’s my duty to report it just in case. It will go nowhere and that’s okay too.

Also im talking about two different dinners here, by the way. I just don’t really feel like clarifying. I’m sure y’all don’t need the tiny details. Maybe. Haha.

 

[littleoc]

He claimed to know more about Muslims than I do because he knows some ex-Muslims whose siblings were terrorists. That sounds really sad and horrible, but it gives no one permission to kill anyone.

Why did it take me three days to write this post about the anti-Islam dude, anyway? I’m way more afraid of the dude actually doing something than him not liking me anymore.

And anyway, he really offended me. Saying he knows more about something than I do. That’s an extra prideful statement. If you knew more than I do, you wouldn’t be saying those awful things.

It’s fine to hate the terrorists, it’s fine to want to protect the people whose siblings were terrorists, but it is not fine to suggest that all our state’s Muslims need to “disappear.” That’s sketchy as f*ck.

Dude talked to me like I hadn’t nearly minored in Middle Eastern Studies and like I have no friends from anywhere else.

Nestle farted just now and I heard it. Lol

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like I’m giving myself a pep talk.

Anyway, good news. I ran out of hormones and couldn’t see a doctor in time, so I’ve been off them for a bit. Fluctuating mood again, the weird feelings of utter loneliness and wishing I could date someone again, the sudden ability to look up all the info I need on what a healthy relationship and person is and how to better yourself. Nice stuff. Also my beard is growing back but not enough to see it, so I’d say I’m feeling pretty feminine. Good stuff.

Anyway, the not taking hormones thing seems to be helping my ability to feel human. I feel really human, guys, and it’s nice. It’s nice to not feel like an imposter every time I try to tell someone hi.

My social life with the neighborhood cats is still much better but no one knows my history anymore so no one stares in pity. I can do this.

Also also the job interview went fine, but that business is sooooooo .... they don’t have their shit together. It was making me cringe and they didn’t even look embarrassed. So.... yeah, I’ll keep looking.

 

[bellbird]

Homeland Security asked us to report stuff like that to prevent another shooting but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to find the number. I’m a little confused about who I’m supposed to tell all to.

Here maybe?

(((hugs)))
Glad you're feeling more human, too ❤
You can do this, always.

 

[littleoc]

I’m supposed to be making a list for my new therapist listing all of my traumas. I have one started in the private diary subforum here (where y’all can’t see it) but I keep not going back to it. I go look at it occasionally but it’s too difficult to keep going back to, also too confusing in some ways. I stopped writing the one in my notebook because I need that notebook and also am secretly afraid my mom will find it. (Which is weird because she makes a point of not going through my stuff. She really respects my privacy.)

I considered making a trauma list here, thinking maybe support would get me through it, but since I decided that I’ve been having troubles logging in (mentally). So.

Really, if I just use this therapist to survice living in the hoarded house... but no other therapist has been THIS professional before. Most my therapists tell my mom things or something. So this could be a chance to get the most professional, intelligent thoughts on my traumas, maybe. And honestly, surviving living in the house is very much connected to the past, traumas, and other things (PTSD, OCD, etc). So I dunno.

No decision is still a decision.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks so much, @bellbird!! I think it’s not an emergency enough for 911 though. Maybe a police department’s non emergency number would work, though? Do I mention that another cop was part of the conversation? Weird.

 

[littleoc]

I hope the cop reported something. It would be awkward if he got in trouble for not doing that.

 

[bellbird]

Do I mention that another cop part of the conversation? Weird.

Yep :)
They'll probably ask you for the context in which the non-cop was saying these things, anyway. So the conversation setting is relevant, and one would hope that the justice system wouldn't discount the cop in his behaviour for being a cop.

Maybe a police department’s no emergency number would work, though?

Yeah; do you have your local police department number handy?
I can try look that one up for you if you need! (But send that one to you via Instagram, of course :) )

 

[littleoc]

Lol thanks!

The synagogue is in another city in a different part of the state. I think it might have two police departments covering it, so surely I can find one of them. If not, I’ve got two sets of police in my area I could ask to transfer me I bet.

I’m just worried I’m going to do something wrong and create drama I guess, which is a very weird thing to think about this issue. I feel like I need an adult’s approval (and adultier adult) to say it isn’t an issue. But I’m an adult. And it’s not like a report to a police station even proves anything.

 

[bellbird]

The synagogue is in another city in a different part of the state. I think it might have two police departments covering it, so surely I can find one of them. If not, I’ve got two sets of police in my area I could ask to transfer me I bet.

You're onto it :)

I’m just worried I’m going to do something wrong and create drama I guess, which is a very weird thing to think about this issue. I feel like I need an adult’s approval (and adultier adult) to say it isn’t an issue. But I’m an adult. And it’s not like a report to a police station even proves anything.

I think I would feel exactly how you are.
I remember how nervous I was when I rang 111 (our 911) about the person on my property. One of my big worries were that they would tell me off for reporting something irrelevant. But they didn't.

It just sounds like you've had a big gut reaction to the conversation you overheard, and our guts are usually pretty good instincts to follow, right?
But, to be honest with you, these comments:

I interrupted their conversation with a fact and then he started preaching at me how all Muslims will kill you if you don’t kill them

all our state’s Muslims need to “disappear.”

Are defo something worth reporting, especially if your Home Security has encouraged folks to do so.

You can report it in exactly the same way you have here; a truthful recount of a conversation that had some pretty concerning content isn't you doing anything "wrong". :hug:

 

[littleoc]

That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, @bellbird :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[bellbird]

:hug::hug::hug: @littleoc .
Glad I could be of help :)
I'm going to get back to my research (even though it feels like I have taxonomic names pouring out of my ears at this stage), I will talk to you later! Love you!