Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I saw that new therapist today. She seems intelligent and I couldn’t find any reason to be suspicious. When she said something triggering, I made her say it again so she could explain it. She has amazing communication skills and didn’t start talking about anything else. Very focused. I’ve never had that in a therapist before. Not how clearly she talks.

She seemed to like me. She was having me describe my strengths to her, and when I finished she playfully added, “You’re humorous, too,” and then typed that onto my sheet (after I said thank you).

I think I’ve been kind of paranoid. Someone in yoga today smiled at me — one of my goals has been to make connections with people. So I smiled backed and became encouraging and supportive (I think she may be new). But, facial blindness got in my way. I’m not sure I want to talk to a therapist about this. Last time I told anyone I was anxious about faces I got hugged in a parking lot and told that I was scaring people. I didn’t do ANYTHING except try to say I was scared.

Sorry, I’m emotional. I got five hours or less of sleep so that’s sub-par.

Anyway, the woman looked like Brandi’s mom and because I saw her today of all days, I started getting freaked out every time she was nice, or laughed, or tried to pet my dog. (Everyone pets my dog, I trained Nestle a “back to work” command so it’s less of an issue. I still remind people not to tho but... yeah. Nestle gets between people and me and people think she’s trying to tell them hi, which encourages her to tell them hi, and I tend to loose my voice out of nowhere.) Brandi’s mom was a terrifying presence in my life. I was more afraid of her than Brandi. Yet I lived with her anyway.

Brandi’s mom seemed okay with me after a while, but she still insisted I was up to something. Kept sneaking into the room Brandi and I slept in and checking under the blanket. Talking down at me and stuff. Assuming I was giving gifts because I was grooming Brandi for something. Would tell me about her traumas with friends who acted like me. But then she would also make fun of me for being crazy. The reason I don’t talk about it in this diary is because most of it straight up didn’t bother me. I was used to being bullied so I just assumed Brandi’s mom had unresolved high school issues (to my credit, I discovered I was correct by the time I got to college), and generally I ignored her. But the looking under our blanket thing got me, and the random beating-Brandi-up-but-it-was-“play” thing.

So I think it’s the fact that I’m now worried that people are secretly up to something and might be dangerous. Or toxic. Which, so we’re clear, is EXTREMELY unlike me.

But my new therapists cant see me for another month and i also don’t want to talk about it. Maybe I’m saying that now because I’m exhausted though.

 

[littleoc]

Also something bad happened in yoga today. Two things. Keep in mind that I’ve not only been overwhelmed lately, but also got five hours of sleep. So both problems I had today are probably related to that.

The first thing was that I suddenly went deaf in my right ear for a minute? It was accompanied by a really off, heavy feeling, and the eye on the same side started seeing weird things at the same time. Just right in the middle of a pose. I kinda moved my head funny trying to make it spot, got really light headed and thirsty suddenly, and then tried covering my ear (not sure why). I assumed it was PTSD related from the overwhelm and started tapping Nestle in a “why u slackin, you didn’t warn me about a dissociation” way (I usually don’t remember dissociations so I kind of just assumed I wouldn’t know what it felt like). Nestle looked up at me, stared for a second, then told me I was fine.

It was only after that made me anxious that Nestle told me I was anxious. So, that must have been my brain, doing... sleep deprived stuff? I just hope it doesn’t happen again.

Rest of yoga went fine except for one thing.

Toward the middle, the instructor asked us to get on our bellies and put our hands back on the mat, next to our waist. I immediately felt uncomfortable but also like I was in danger. I told myself it was cool and I could do some other thing.

I didn’t have a flashback. All was well. Finished yoga and talked to people :D

But afterward, when I got home. I was doing fine — a bit anxious, but that’s basically normal here, so I watched cartoons. Three episodes had triggers in them, which was odd but whatever. Then my mom was yelling and that upset me so much that the anxiety got out of control (again, I’m sleep deprived, so that’s to be expected). I took Nestle on a walk, but suddenly I had a flashback(????) but it might not have been, of being sexually abused by my father. In the position the yoga instructed said.

I’ve chosen to ignore it because I don’t think it was a real flashback. It may have been some kind of weird, intrusive thought. It just doesn’t seem right. Doesn’t feel right. It was disturbing to see in my mind but it didn’t have the same value of terror/confusion as my sexual flashbacks usually have. I think knowing that my brother got ptsd from that is messing with me that much, honestly.

My dad was very, very weird with things. But I’ll save that discussion for another time.

For now, I’m just gonna celebrate that I can stay sane while sleep deprived. You’ve got to admit, that’s an accomplishment! I even texted some people today. And talked to people at yoga. HuMaN cOnNeCtIoNs!

I am proud of myself and my strengths.

 

[littleoc]

In other news, the lump in my armpit is bigger and hurts like a bitch. I was previously just going to ignore it, but maybe I should see if the breast center will look at it again. Last time it was suspiciously empty inside — the doctors said it might be some kind of fatty tumor that was still developing. But it hurts and I hate that.

I’ve been in physical pain my entire life. I’m sort of sick of it, now that my doctor has told me that it’s not normal. I’d love to feel slightly normal for once.

Yoga is helping though. So that’s awesome.

Maybe if I had been allowed to run as a child. Like. Enough. As a toddler.

I was required to run in gym in elementary school but my brothers and I were so slow that we were made fun of, even by the coach. Not sure I understand why they didn’t find that suspicious.

Maybe they were paid, too. (See?? Paranoid or what???)

Anyway, I’m gonna go to bed :)

Hope y’all are doing well!

 

[littleoc]

One time in middle school i was complaining about my pain to Brandi in the hallways. Brandi thought it was awesome and started talking about her pains. Some teacher came up and started bragging about how healthy she was, but it was in a tone that wasn’t quite making fun of us, but was definitely... not nice. Judgemental? Like she picked up only on Brandi bragging and assumed we were both idiots? I dunno. It was weird. I don’t talk to that teacher these days. I hope she got a mild ache. Mild, though. Ignorable is nice.

 

[Freida]

For now, I’m just gonna celebrate that I can stay sane while sleep deprived. You’ve got to admit, that’s an accomplishment! I even texted some people today. And talked to people at yoga. HuMaN cOnNeCtIoNs!

Yay!!!!! Yes it's entirely celebration worthy!

about the face blindness thing....maybe it's ok to tell people that? Or maybe just something like "I have a terrible memory for faces"
It could take some of the pressure off you because people wouldn't expect you to remember them when you see them next. And since you have a service dog they would probably accept it. You could even say you have a TBI of they asked more questions...that's common enough that they won't think twice and vague enough that they don't get to know the whole story

’ve been in physical pain my entire life. I’m sort of sick of it, now that my doctor has told me that it’s not normal. I’d love to feel slightly normal for once.

Then go to the doctor! :hug: :laugh:

 

[Freida]

Hey! Where ya been?

 

[littleoc]

Sorry! I’m okay. I was just overwhelmed so decided to take another sudden break. :) No worries.

I have a lot of depressing stuff to talk about, but instead, I’m just gonna mention that I finally have another job interview that won’t be hard at all (I hope!). Because it’s retail sales in a gift shop right next to a restaurant. Surely I can’t mess that up by not being Christian enough?? (No, I don’t actually blame myself at all.) It is a Christian organization. Back in the 70s my uncle phone pranked them every week for several months because they announced they wouldn’t hire gay people. My uncle would ask over the phone, “If I’m bi, will you hire me part time?” He is very proud of that.

Anyway, I think they hire gay people now. I’ll wear my pride pin just in case. In my state it is legal to fire someone for finding out that they’re gay, so if it’s still an issue for them then I want it out of the way. Or maybe I could just not mention it for at least a month or so. I kind of need a paycheck!

I’m not currently dating so it wouldn’t be that hard to not talk about it.

I ran out of my hormones and couldn’t go to the doc to get more. Now I’m suddenly crushing hard on my crush from college. And I haven’t even seen her since 2016 or so. (“2016” still sounds like a recent year tho...).

Also I think I might count as non-binary, but I don’t know if that’s ME or if that’s Fungus, but we’re the same person anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter? Most people don’t care about gender at all so I guess I’ll just feel sometimes very comfortable being called a woman and other times wish people would refer to me as “just female” and that should be fine. I’m biologically female and there’s no mistaking it, and in fact I’m happy with how I look, and don’t personally want to deal with it in any other way.


So.... who wants to grab a coffee with me? :P

 

[Freida]

Im always in for coffee!

And ya, the whole "what am I thing" seems so complicated some times. Maybe you can just be you... Littleoc... and who you choose to love is who you choose - not "what" they are..???

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, that's usually what I say! I just wish I knew more about what/who I am, but I guess at this age it's mostly normal to still be wondering. Not the human part, but the rest. Haha.

Anyway, funny story. I'm really tired so it'll be brief. To preserve my location I'm not going to tell you what day I saw this.

I was out in the front yard and I noticed a wild grape plant just chilling in the butterfly bush, growing up into the willow. So I went and told my mom about it, and my mom lit up and said she wanted to come outside and see it.

It was a lil windy outside and the wind was kinda cool, felt nice! So I'm walking my mom down the driveway (she can't get there on her own) to see this plant, walking really slow with all her weight on me because she can't go at walking speed. So I decide on the walk down to look up into the pretty sky.

And there's just a tornado just chilling up there, minding its own business.

So I was like, "Whoa!" And my mom went, "What is it?"

And I said, "Just some bad news." And then we looked at the grape plant together.

It was great

Also there was a tornado warning obviously but it never touched down, at least not where we were, so that's cool

I've been studying the layout of the house and trying to determine the best place to take shelter in case that happens again. Thankfully this tornado was far enough away that my mom called it "little." I'd say it was more than twenty miles away, which isn't fantastic but it missed us, so cool.

I also talked to her for like ten minutes about why tornado chasers hate chasing here because the trees block your view. We had no idea that thing was around until it came into a gap between some trees, lol

Also I wasn't triggered, I dunno why I am sometimes and sometimes not? Oh well

 

[littleoc]

Also my sister and I are getting along really well lately. We have not discussed the house or anything and she doesn't seem to understand that I was ever upset, but I'm trying to just put it behind us. She was younger than I am now when that happened and she's not wise in the same way that I am (no one is ever wise in the same way as someone else, so to be clear I am not calling my sister unwise, she just hasn't done any trauma work), but our mutual love of her son brought us back together.

Also her husband apologized for being mean to me all the time. Now he's commenting on my Facebook posts and chatting with me more but in friendly tones. He said he's not good with people and thought he was teasing. I'm sure that's not fully true but he clearly doesn't understand why he's doing this so I'll let it go. (He's a closeted alcoholic.)

I caught more than 40 fruit flies. Anyone want some? They will be served with coleslaw, honey, vinegar, and plain yogurt, because that's what's in the traps :D

 

[littleoc]

Also, after passover it was fun to eat that baguette

 

[littleoc]

The dinner went as well as it could have considering the circumstances. But I’m so anxious now. I’m sitting in my car eating candy I just bought. Also bought $30 I don’t have of toys. So anxious that when my brain said “hey maybe this isn’t a good idea for a coping mechanism right now,” another, gentler voice in the back of my head said, “Well, this time it’s okay. There isn’t much else to be done.” And it was right, because I don’t want to go straight home and there’s nothing else to do. Might as well try to relax. Relaaaax.

I just have so much trouble when my brain thinks it needs to keep peace. I have no idea if I should be ashamed for not standing up for something, or if I should keep listening to that tiny voice saying that I really would have caused a fight. And it wouldn’t have helped a thing.

She’s got the CDC info. I guess that’s enough for now. I have no idea why I panicked.

It’s like my dad is going to beat me all over again, but he’s not even here.

He sent me a text though. Just a forwarded message about cool things you can do with ice trays. I can’t tell if he’s trying but shy or if he’s putting in minimal effort because his stepmother told him to.

I hate money.