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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I should have caught on to it earlier than this. I even said in my diary that I thought it was weird and didn't want to talk about it because it stressed me out, when my grandparents chose to let us grow up so poor that we couldn't do anything. They would swoop in, I said. Why didn't that show me when I wrote it in my diary? What else am I just overlooking because it's too uncomfortable to admit to myself? Why does this country let people like my family get away with horrible things if they have money? What the f*ck is wrong with us?

Swoop in and buy us a house to keep us from being homeless. I forgot about the part where my mom was expected to not say anything about the abuse she was enduring. And convinced that it was just her that was the problem, and he wasn't really hurting us.

I'm confused. My grandparents aren't evil people. Is my black and white thinking jumping to conclusions? Or are they in denial when they enable the shit out of my father?
 
Forgot to say something more interesting!

I think I saw Brandi today. Had all the right piercings and the hair style and hair colorings. Anyway, it didn't bother me at all! A slight bit of anxiousness, but I understood she wasn't going to bother me because there's no gain in it anymore for her. So I just turned back to my mom and continued joking around and playing games. We saw a great movie! It was a fun night, minus the sudden realizations. Anyway, what work I've done here has clearly paid off! She was staring at me, not the other way around :)

I can't guarantee it was Brandi, by the way. I forgot what she looks like -- facial blindness. For all I know the person giving me looks in the parking lot was someone I had never met. But I am reasonably sure it was her. I didn't really care enough to check. I was busy having fun, haha.
 
:hug:s back @somerandomguy :hug:

My brother having PTSD is messing me up.

Also my aunts came over for showers and messed up my mom’s toilet again. (They don’t have running water at their house. Or a roof really.) And then used my towel to clean it up. And no one told me. I found out because I caught the cat playing in it.

I bathed her in alcohol, but only enough to touch her fur.

Also the weighted blanket I sent is the wrong size. Ordered another one, expecting a replacement though.
 
That’s just a long way of saying that I’m upset today, and because I don’t know how to explain this to my professor without sounding insane, I still have to have projects done.

Things I need to do:
Call career services
Look for new places to apply
Finish the project in “as many drafts as possible”
 
So weird thing:

My mom’s been behind my back trying to make it easier to move out, not harder. She’s been buying little things that she knows I’ll need when I leave.

Also I think I’m still defensive about my mom’s reputation because it wasn’t just my dad trying to make her look bad, to keep her from being allowed to keep kids. My aunts did it too, and my grandparents are STILL doing it. I was just trying to block it out, I guess?

It’s confusing me and I am back at wondering if I’m being paranoid or not. I’m glad my dad is just evil — that’s much less to deal with.
 
If my dad died, most of the issues would solve themselves. My grandparents would force us to attend the funeral but maybe I could go and say my brother was too busy. My sister would be willing to do that cover. My other brother isn’t held to the same standard as the other one so he could refuse to show up with very few consequences. He wrecked a car our grandma got him and she barely even flinched.

I should have known something was up when I was unwilling to let her buy me a car. I thought I was because I didn’t want to be spoiled. Maybe still partially true though. But being spoiled by her has always felt iffy. There was a reason I took out student loans instead of letting her pay for ALL of my college. I’m really thankful that she helped me out.
 
Ugh. I need to concentrate on the project. I don’t have time to be worried about “homeless unless you agree to say publicly that your dad was a nice guy and the victim in everything.”
 
littleoc said:
My grandparents would force us to attend the funeral
Click to expand...
Nope.
They can't
They can use guilt or promises or anger to get you to go
But they can't tie you up, throw you in the car and drive you there
You have the right to say no
You have the right to see them like they are
You have the right to do what is best for YOU -- regardless of the temper tantrums they would throw
:hug:
 

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