The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So, one of the major things that has reaaaallly super-turbo-charged my recovery/wellbeing/empowerment, is surely, the coming-the-the-realization-and-terms-with my Autism 1/Aspergers and "managing" myself accordingly.

I've stopped trying to be "normal", stopped comparing myself to other, clearly neurotypical or non-Aspie/Auti women. I've stopped giving myself a hard time for how little socializing I'm comfortable with.
I've stopped feeling like I'm outside something and that I need to be inside it.
I've stopped a lot of shame.

Doing the group is part of this too. It's a really good group, well facilitated, appropriate content, and really lovely women, both the facilitators and the other participators.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

??? I'ma doin' a virtual HAPPY DANCE for YOU and YOURS!!!? Such AWESOME words to read!!!!!!?

 

[mumstheword]

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??? I'ma doin' a virtual HAPPY DANCE for YOU and YOURS!!!? Such AWESOME words to read!!!!!!?

Thank you @AngelkeeperJ :-) Love you, lovely friend.

 

[mumstheword]

I just had a big cry. It's to do with being an abandoned child/teen.
My mum wants me to ring her and I just don't know if I can do it, I'm scared. I texted her for mother's day and she took a few days to get back to me, but she wants me to contact her.
She is back in the area. My brother told me. She didn't bother.

I don't feel that I can let go of this grief and heartbreak and trauma and neglect and abuse that she put me through, yet.
Will I ever?
I don't know.
I feel like she just messes me up and that it's always a selfish agenda, whenever she wants anything to do with me.
I don't feel she makes any real effort toward me.
I don't feel like making any towards her, at this point.
I'm still in group therapy for childhood sexual abuse. I have six weeks left. It leaves me pretty spent and raw and needing plenty of low stress, low impact, recovery and recoup time.
I'm doing great with it, though.
I just don't want to jeopardise my hard won stability and wellness by opening myself to my mother. Just not ready. Scared and vulnerable. Ill equipped still. I am a deeply scarred, autentically challenged daughter that needs some assurance and I don't have it. My precious "wellness" is still too fresh and fragile.

 

[mumstheword]

At 11 I had my first "breakdown". It was after my stepdad had threatened to kill me and my mum with a hack saw and beat on us. It was after the assault and public stripping. After the vaginal penetration and violence from a ten year old. After being held under water extensively by another kid. After my mum got beat on by a boyfriend. After he left us in the middle of no where, took our van and we had no home. After my baby chicken (that I hatched and hand reared), I had to abandon and I watched it being pecked to near death. After early sex stuff that I don't remember the start of. After my mum being psychotic. After a dog attack. After being thrown off a horse. After being drugged on mushrooms at three (I think that was connected to being interfered with, sexually) . After having a gun pulled on me and those with me at three (we got lost on a mountain). During being abused by my mum all throughout my childhood. But it was before I got raped, before I got held down and choked by one of the rapists, before they drugged me with daytura, before I got stuck with a cruel, criminal who got me pregnant at 17, 19, 21, 22, 25, 28, and 33, before I had to give birth, in a shed, in a car park, in a freezing bathroom in cold water, the next day it snowed, I couldn't get warm. My premmie baby nearly died. Fourth baby was born in a camping ground, fifth is a isolated shack in the bush, sixth in a rundown bush house and seventh in a houso town house in my high crime village that I still live in, before nearly dying a bunch of times, before I had to leave most of my babies (not so little anymore, most of them though) because I knew I wouldn't survive to help them if I didn't, I became homeless again, in winter, got assaulted trying to stay accessible to my kid's, got care of my youngest daughter and then ended up in a woman's refuge with her. That's enough crap stuff for now.

 

[Freida]

Do you have any idea how amazing you are? Not just that you survived all of that -- but that you survived it and still became a decent person who is capable of caring for and loving others. I have NO idea how you can do that --- when you were let down and hurt time after time after time thru your entire life. I read your story and I constantly wonder --- how can you not be just bonkers? How.... just how ....can you be you?

If you can figure that out you need to bottle it and sell it! Because your gift of resiliency and hope? Is one I simply don't have. Oh sure I can make it from day to day with my own nightmares - but what you survived is so very horrible.

And yet -- here you are. You have your guy, you have your kids back, you are learning to stand up for yourself when asshats cross your path, you are a better human being than many people I know who have never faced anything more than a broken fingernail and yet they treat that like a major trauma and demand sympathy for it.

I don't feel that I can let go of this grief and heartbreak and trauma and neglect and abuse that she put me through, yet.

This ^^^ is why I blather on about it. Because you are even thinking about allowing her to have contact with you. Not the other way around --- you aren't going to her. You are considering letting her come to you even though....

I feel like she just messes me up and that it's always a selfish agenda, whenever she wants anything to do with me.
I don't feel she makes any real effort toward me.

I don't feel like making any towards her, at this point.

She can wait.

I just don't want to jeopardise my hard won stability and wellness by opening myself to my mother. Just not ready. Scared and vulnerable. Ill equipped still. I am a deeply scarred, autentically challenged daughter that needs some assurance and I don't have it. My precious "wellness" is still too fresh and fragile.

yep.
It's ok to put yourself first, then your man, then your kids, then your mom. :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Do you have any idea how amazing you are? Not just that you survived all of that -- but that you survived it and still became a decent person who is capable of caring for and loving others. I have NO idea how you can do that --- when you were let down and hurt time after time after time thru your entire life. I read your story and I constantly wonder --- how can you not be just bonkers? How.... just how ....can you be you?

If you can figure that out you need to bottle it and sell it! Because your gift of resiliency and hope? Is one I simply don't have. Oh sure I can make it from day to day with my own nightmares - but what you survived is so very horrible.

.....She can wait...yep.

It's ok to put yourself first, then your man, then your kids, then your mom. :hug:

YES, YES, YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!???

 

[NatBird]

hello MUMSTHEWORD it's been a long time eh? been thinking of you and wanted to say hi

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@mumstheword))Thinking of you and sending Happy vibes your way???

 

[Sideways]

Hey Mums, hope you’re doing okay. Hope you’re safe.

If anything has gone awry, we’re here for you.

Miss having you round.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovely friends! For the warm thoughts and words!
Lots has happened.
I finished my "Childhood sexual abuse recovery course" three and a half weeks ago.
I got pretty symptomatic towards the end of that. Cut contact with my Dad again, isolating and agoraphobic, except for my guy and kids. Still.finding it difficult to reach out to most of my adult children, but if they approach me, and most have, I am open, supportive and loving towards them.
One of the big reasons all of this intensified is that I am now nearly 8 weeks pregnant, I suspect, with twins. It's been a bit of, well, ok, a LOT, of a rollercoaster. Everything is turned up, tweaked to overdrive, in an already "intense world" (a theory of Autism that majes complete sense to." me) way.
On top of that, we are keeping the pregnancy secret from everyone, except my youngest son, who lives with us, because he deserved an.explanations for why mum turned into a moody, intolerant, emotional drama person, when usually I am a somewhat understated person.
We plan to tell soon, but due to the three previous miscarriages, didn't want to prematurely announce babies, before it looked more certain, that babies are actually, possibly, hopefully, going to join our family.
Not telling makes it hard for me to even talk to anybody, because it feels like lying. Although, today, I am really, already, noticeably pregnant.
Morning sickness and heartburn are not too bad, tiredness, again ok, but I, both of us, kind of knew straight away. From the act of conception we both, without discussing it at all, for weeks, suspected that we had conceived. And some symptoms began right away. At first I.write off the emotional intensificatiom as just a spike in symptoms brought on by the Heartfelt House group therapy program, as it really dug up some wounds, deep, deep wounds, around my sexuality and lack of protection and parental abuse and neglect and abandonment. Stuff I've written about here, so not completely buried and suppressed, just really deep and painful. I realised that going from being a homeless, abused and neglected child to being a victim of multiple rapes and assault, to seeking protection from a ephabophile who, pretty quickly impregnated me, repeatedly, has been both therapeutic (pregnancy and natural birth and breastfeeding has some hormonal boons and regulatory benefits) and instrumental in long term and damaging repression and a tonne more damage that caused extreme functional impairment.
So, my feelings about impending motherhood again, are really complex. I do want to explore and unpack those feelings here.
Thank you, readers and responders, and carers, for sharing this journey with me!

Lots of love and gratitude, to all of you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

??I am praying for you and your Sweetie??