• We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
  • Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.

The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, @AngelkeeperJ ! :-) @Freida :-) @somerandomguy :-), @ladee, @Sideways and all who wish me well :-).
Yes, it's very exciting! :-) We are thrilled, and a little terrified, but mostly thrilled :-).
Not much else has changed. I feel better about the timing of this pregnancy because my adult kids and I are stronger and closer than ever, except my oldest son, who is avoiding me, but he is nearly 29, and apparently, according to my other kid's, he's doing ok.
We went and visited my oldest daughter, who is doing amazingly. She lives in the most paradisical location and is loving what she's doing.
Youngest son, only one at home, here, still, just got his first job. A weekend job at a pizzeria. He's only 13 1/2 and has started saving to study overseas. Probably in the US, he wants to study cognitive neuropsychology and there isn't anything available here, but his dream course is in a US college, so he's doing to be working and saving for 5 or 6 years, for that.
Middle son is planning on going to Germany soon.
Oldest daughter scored a intern spot at the Sydney Opera Company, as a seamstress, that's coming up.
Second youngest son has been dating. He's somewhat gender dysphoric, but coping with it and has realised he's spectrumy as well, and is seeing another young guy on the spectrum.
Youngest daughter is still working and has nearly finished yr 12. She has a ling turn bfriend, they are kind of obsessed with fish and have lots of aquariums with lots of amazing, gorgeous fish. We are going to be going out fishing with them, again, soon.
Second born son turned 27 the other day. He is doing well. Loves his life.:-)
I'm going to take them out to our fav local vegan restaurant very soon and tell them about our pending arrival(s?) I think, as middle son is leaving.us for Germany via Victoria, this week coming, I think. He is getting into making psy trance kind of music and has a successful first gig, DJaying, recently. He has a female friend in Germany, so yeah.... My kid's are OK!!!!! :-) So it feels timely to start a new chapter in our family life and finally live the dream!
I had completely let go of actualizing our love in the form of babies, I made loads of amazing progress in the 18 week group therapy program. I am going to be following up on further recuperative action over the teen rapes, as one of my councellors in the group told me I am eligable and should persue compensation via victim services. It's possible that I could get a small nest egg to help us get our own place!
Housing are still giving us grief, but we have managed to put in good boundaries with them and might be pursuing legal recourse over some very unjust, discriminatory treatment, from them.
Our death-threating, dangerous dog owning next-door-neighbor loves.us now, so that's a relief.
Our alcoholic elder neighbor doesn't though. But oh well.
The other next door neighbor doesn't intrude, any more, like she did, so that's a relief.
I really leave the house though.

Planning on doing some short courses soon though. Entry level ceramics and sculpture. Getting my license. Maybe polish my music and technical know how skills. I'd like to pursue some ASD advocacy work. I want to go back to getting a diploma, but not the Arts degree, an Arts psychotherapy degree. We'll see.
But if babies come, I.will be taking time to enjoy raising them without too much else on. Not like with my first fam, I was always doing a lot of other stuff, touring, gigs, lots of social work. This time I will NOT overload myself with excessive, other work.
I will be involved in creative projects though, and some ecology projects, and possibly some grass roots political advocacy work, maybe housing, maybe ASD, maybe "real"equality advocacy -beyond or meta gender politics. Anyway some kind of written commentary, because I NEED to write.
I want to write about parenting and Aspergers/Autism, growing up "hippy"/"lefty" and how that impacts on struggles with being on the spectrum.
Grounded environmentalism, as opposed to mainstream propaganda "environmentalism".
 
We went and visited my oldest daughter, who is doing amazingly. She lives in the most paradisical location and is loving what she's doing.
Youngest son, only one at home, here, still, just got his first job. A weekend job at a pizzeria. He's only 13 1/2 and has started saving to study overseas. Probably in the US, he wants to study cognitive neuropsychology and there isn't anything available here, but his dream course is in a US college, so he's doing to be working and saving for 5 or 6 years, for that.
Middle son is planning on going to Germany soon.
Oldest daughter scored a intern spot at the Sydney Opera Company, as a seamstress, that's coming up.
Second youngest son has been dating. He's somewhat gender dysphoric, but coping with it and has realised he's spectrumy as well, and is seeing another young guy on the spectrum.
Youngest daughter is still working and has nearly finished yr 12. She has a ling turn bfriend, they are kind of obsessed with fish and have lots of aquariums with lots of amazing, gorgeous fish. We are going to be going out fishing with them, again, soon.
Second born son turned 27 the other day. He is doing well. Loves his life.:)
You know that none of this would have been possible if they didn't have you---right? Because someone had to teach them belief in themselves, love towards others, and just plain old confidence in themselves. And from the sounds of it those skills were no where in their dads make up. So that leaves you -- the person who taught them the skills they needed to survive and thrive.
Yep.
YOU

just sayin... :hug:
 
Oh my godness, congratulations! I cannot believe how brave you are! Although pregnancy and motherhood are associated with so many terrible things that happened in your past, you are still willing to create new life! What a strong, strong woman you are! I wish you a magical pregnancy and a wonderful birth.?
 
Thank you friends.:-) for the warm thoughts and words. Unfortunately, I did lose that pregnancy.
I continue to make progress on my recovery though.
Have made some leaps and bounds,but, had some flare ups and all in all things feel a little easier in some ways.

I am following up some gov comp and support for some rapes in my mid teens after advice to do so from one of the councellors in the CSA group therapy course I finished in June. Just started some more councelling with a rape support org and finished with a very wonderful coucellor who I was able to see, free of charge, for three years, one year longer than gov funding allots for, but she wrangled so I could have one on one while I did the group therapy and even a bit longer after it. It was sad and bittersweet finishing because we went through a lot together and I grew very close to her.

She was brilliant. I dearly love her and always will.

Life has been full on. I've visited two of my adult children in emergency and surgery wards two weeks in a row. My oldest son had acute appendicitis and my oldest daughter is still in hospital after throwing up blood, she has a stomach ulcer. Stomach/digestive system issues are so common in those of us with intergenerational trauma!

This morning is one of those crappy mornings of waking up after a night of disturbing, intense, dreams and then waking to more triggery content.

Uuuughh

Feeling a bit blughhhhh.

I am getting healthier and healthier
though.

Been into the yoga a lot lately, out of necessity. Was going for walks but I got spooked by a guy stopping and offering me a lift. He creeped me out. Then made the mistake of going on my usual route at night and I got reeeeeaally spooked. Was jumping into ditches to hide from passing cars and in bushes and stuff so that's why I went back to yoga, the walks were starting to course cortisol and adrenal surges instead of help deal with them.

Soon I will get back to the yoga mat and I know that will help how I feel right now.

I am also taking all sorts of powerhouse supplements and vitamins and thats really helping too. I spend all my money on them but can't/don't/am.unable to really function, even.nominally witjout them, so it seems worth it.

I can keep house now! Yes I finally have an orderly home and I love it! It's been a huge struggle to get here but it's one of those "fruits" of all the years of therapy and self care.

I am also going back to study soon.

Gonna learn how to pot instead of smoking it (I.kicked THAT habit nigh on 10 years ago). Gonna learn how to throw them, hand mold them, glace them and fire them. Gonna make beautiful plant pots and other useful ceramics. I figure, if I never regain my ability to cope with people in any great capacity, at least I can set up a pottery studio and be a solo worker. I do love being a worker, but my health just hasn't supported that for a few years now.

I'm also hella clucky, still.
And not loving that libido is currenty defunct. I do want it back.
I do feel brave wanting to have another baby but for me, having my kids is the absolute highlight of my life, second would be meeting and getting with the love of my life (that I am currently with) and third was being a (pretty awesome, if I do say so myself) musical performance artist.

My prior reproductive life was marred by the fact of the sperm donor being an abuser and so I would so love to have the reset of my two absolute joy makers becoming one in the form of offspring with my life's "one".

We shall see.
Anyone who feels to pray for me to have my ultimate wish of renewed fecundity restored to me would be HUGELY appreciated.
I am a woman of Faith. I doubt I would be this far along my journey without my faith. I don't attend any church, I have, however had enough experiences that have shaped my beliefs and faith into some kind of transcendent and joy-giving Gnostic and non-denominational Christianity.
It's unshakable, at this point. So, any conception and childbearing will be God's Will, in my book.
What "God" is exactly? Beyond what is defined in the Book of Book's as " Love and A Spirit"? I only know by Presence and my inner senses.
I have "asked" and I have "received" so I have full faith that if it is meant to be, it will be.
I am feeling better already :-).

Thank you Anthony and staff and everyone who contributes to this forum.:-) Thank you for being here.
 

Donation drives

2026 Donation Goal

Goal
$1,800.00
Earned
$910.00
This donation drive ends in
0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
  50.6%

Trending content

Featured content

Back
Top Bottom