ninja
Sponsor
I was just thinking about you yesterday!!
Sending positive vibes for healing
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Sending positive vibes for healing
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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life
- Post starter mumstheword
- Start date
- Post starter
- #2,054
mumstheword
VIP Member
Forgive me, I did write out acknowledgements the other day, but was interrupted before I could hit save and today ...So exhausted and will have to come back to that.
I have my father visiting for a couple of weeks and we are a little more than half way through the first week ...
This is sooooooo hard going!!!!!
I am hating myself for wanting this to be over.
I wish I never had to be reminded of what kind of childhood I (barely) survived.
My dad is highly dissociated, I also think he has cptsd, as well. I do have compassion for him. He is very autistic Autism / Aspergers. But his lack of responsiveness, responsibility and lack of "presence" is taking me back and giving me emotional flashbacks, back to complete emotional abandonment, back to his negligence in the face of my mother's abuse (,and all the abuse and neglect I was subject to from her boyfriends) and bullying and sexual predation and sexual assault as a under ten child, being left to suffer from CSA and abandoned so that I ended up on.the streets as a sixteen yr old, which resulted in more sexual predation, more rapes and a long term abusive relationship with an ephebophile twice my age, for 21 years and 7 children, born to me, from the age of 17.
This is hard!!!! I've been working so hard! To feel like I matter, like I am not a human doll, for other's needs and wants, to feel worthwhile and like the intelligent, warm woman of integrity that I know I am, but this is taking me back to depression and A sense of complete abandonment and hopelessness and aloneness, my inner child is hurting being around my dad.
I just need to vent this. This is not fun.
I have my father visiting for a couple of weeks and we are a little more than half way through the first week ...
This is sooooooo hard going!!!!!
I am hating myself for wanting this to be over.
I wish I never had to be reminded of what kind of childhood I (barely) survived.
My dad is highly dissociated, I also think he has cptsd, as well. I do have compassion for him. He is very autistic Autism / Aspergers. But his lack of responsiveness, responsibility and lack of "presence" is taking me back and giving me emotional flashbacks, back to complete emotional abandonment, back to his negligence in the face of my mother's abuse (,and all the abuse and neglect I was subject to from her boyfriends) and bullying and sexual predation and sexual assault as a under ten child, being left to suffer from CSA and abandoned so that I ended up on.the streets as a sixteen yr old, which resulted in more sexual predation, more rapes and a long term abusive relationship with an ephebophile twice my age, for 21 years and 7 children, born to me, from the age of 17.
This is hard!!!! I've been working so hard! To feel like I matter, like I am not a human doll, for other's needs and wants, to feel worthwhile and like the intelligent, warm woman of integrity that I know I am, but this is taking me back to depression and A sense of complete abandonment and hopelessness and aloneness, my inner child is hurting being around my dad.
I just need to vent this. This is not fun.
- Post starter
- #2,055
mumstheword
VIP Member
My rejection, rejectable, worthlessness programming is activated.
Not fun.
Not fun.
- Post starter
- #2,056
mumstheword
VIP Member
I have a great partner. He shows up for me EVERY TIME. I have never experienced emotional support like this, before I met him. A truly generous, kind, considerate, self-and-other-aware warm human being.
Thank you!!!!! to my best guy friend eva!!!!
Thank you!!!!! to my best guy friend eva!!!!
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
((( @mumstheword )))
BIG hugs and LOTS of prayers being sent your way!??? :hug:
BIG hugs and LOTS of prayers being sent your way!??? :hug:
- Post starter
- #2,058
mumstheword
VIP Member
Today I have the "flare up" hangover. Luckily I am taking good stuff that helps with symptoms. I now take NADH, which is a co-enzyme derived from vitamin b 3 and it is AMAZING. I also had (my guy made me) an indian ginseng - Ashwaganda and turmeric hot chocolate and am feeling better in the head (is in my actual brain) already.
My daughter is in New York. I need to get whatsapp to call her. We saw her off on wednesday, very early trip to Brisbane airport.
We have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL relationship now! I couldn't have believed it possible when I started posting here. It was a very painful relationship, for both of us, for at least 9 years.
I'm so grateful to you, that read, that support me here. I want to get back to giving back, giving you all support too.
I'm actually, mostly, loving life, ATM. I've found a formula that's working for me. Yoga, is my go-to primary theraputic practice, that is helping me get through and I LOVE IT.
I stay home a lot now. I love my quiet days, when my guy is out working and my son is at school.
Dabbling in painting and hoping to get well enough to make a go of becoming an illustrater of my own, maybe, self published work, and especially interested in developing botanical illustration skills.
I have a beautiful uplifting faith, although I don't go to church.
I am a youtube addict but it's better than my old lifestyle of being a drug addict. :-).
I take melatonin to sleep and haven't had to touch my diazapam for many months now.
My relationship with my dad seems to be deteriorating.
He is avoiding facing anything. It's just cowardice and avoidance. I don't know why he's bothered to travel thousands of km to visit me, because it seems he doesn't really want to connect with me. I was touched that he wanted visit, but now, he's avoiding any meaningful connection, I just feel hurt and disappointed, it's opened very old and festering wounds. I feel rejected and neglected again. I'm a bit pissed off. I don't know what to say to him, because I have my shame, futility, self recrimination, not-good-enough and fear-of-further rejection programming running. Baahhhhh, grimace, pout face, stompy feet.
My daughter is in New York. I need to get whatsapp to call her. We saw her off on wednesday, very early trip to Brisbane airport.
We have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL relationship now! I couldn't have believed it possible when I started posting here. It was a very painful relationship, for both of us, for at least 9 years.
I'm so grateful to you, that read, that support me here. I want to get back to giving back, giving you all support too.
I'm actually, mostly, loving life, ATM. I've found a formula that's working for me. Yoga, is my go-to primary theraputic practice, that is helping me get through and I LOVE IT.
I stay home a lot now. I love my quiet days, when my guy is out working and my son is at school.
Dabbling in painting and hoping to get well enough to make a go of becoming an illustrater of my own, maybe, self published work, and especially interested in developing botanical illustration skills.
I have a beautiful uplifting faith, although I don't go to church.
I am a youtube addict but it's better than my old lifestyle of being a drug addict. :-).
I take melatonin to sleep and haven't had to touch my diazapam for many months now.
My relationship with my dad seems to be deteriorating.
He is avoiding facing anything. It's just cowardice and avoidance. I don't know why he's bothered to travel thousands of km to visit me, because it seems he doesn't really want to connect with me. I was touched that he wanted visit, but now, he's avoiding any meaningful connection, I just feel hurt and disappointed, it's opened very old and festering wounds. I feel rejected and neglected again. I'm a bit pissed off. I don't know what to say to him, because I have my shame, futility, self recrimination, not-good-enough and fear-of-further rejection programming running. Baahhhhh, grimace, pout face, stompy feet.
- Post starter
- #2,059
mumstheword
VIP Member
When I was 9 we moved from a hippy/eastern cult, run by a rich American guy who called himself "Krisna" and his partner was "Radha" (talk about giving themselves airs and graces) in nth rural Victoria down to the Dandenongs.
My mum and her drug addicted boyfriend (who went on to become my stepfather, but that was later) were fighting, and he went off with someone else, my mum was also fighting with my dad, who was getting married again and mum threatened him with court if he tried to get custody of me.
My mum was pregnant with my half brother. My half brother's dad went into rehab. I had to chop the wood and I slept in a carriage of a tram (it was not in operation). It was winter and I had guinea pigs that kept dying because my mum wouldn't let me move them inside. I was devastated. Anytime I felt happy or excited about becoming a big sister, I felt I had to hide my excitement because my mum didn't seem to like to see me happy.
I felt I knew when my brother was coming because my mum was extra grumpy and mean. I was right. He was born at home. My brother's Dad wasn't around. He was an opiate and uppers addict. Later, when I was 11, he would threaten me and mum's life with a hacksaw, while holding us down and beating on us, because my mum had flushed his drugs down the toilet.
I came to see this as the "straw that broke the camels back" - when my brain broke and I developed PTSD, at age 11. This was after CSA, which happened at 9 a couple of times and possible when I was a 2 1/2, 3 yr old, but I don't remember what happened then. I only know I was drugged with psychotropic mushrooms.
I had a lot of extremely painful gut/stomach problems as a child. Absolute agony. This flared up after my brother was born, again, I don't remember ever getting treatment or attention for these painful bouts, but I was very happy to have a sibling. Unfortunately, my brother is also an opiate addict.
My Dad's new wife turned out to by very disturbed and hostile to me too. Apparently she threatened to kill herself if My Dad didn't marry her. Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder, I suspect she does. My sister that came from that marriage has cut ties with her mum too.
My psychiatrist said it sounds like my mother has bpd too. All my dad always said about my mother was "be good to your mother, she's had a hard life." I used to think "what about me?" but I never said that, because, it was clear that nobody saw me, saw my suffering, or considered what life might be like for me.
They are both still extremely self focused and I never feel "seen" by them. Today, I am feeling sad about that. I am soon (days away) to have a lunch at a local cafe with both my mum and my dad.
My stepdad died when my youngest son was a baby. He's 14 now. It was a illness contracted from needle use, when he was an addict. He was actually the parent I got the most quality parenting from, ironically.
My mum and her drug addicted boyfriend (who went on to become my stepfather, but that was later) were fighting, and he went off with someone else, my mum was also fighting with my dad, who was getting married again and mum threatened him with court if he tried to get custody of me.
My mum was pregnant with my half brother. My half brother's dad went into rehab. I had to chop the wood and I slept in a carriage of a tram (it was not in operation). It was winter and I had guinea pigs that kept dying because my mum wouldn't let me move them inside. I was devastated. Anytime I felt happy or excited about becoming a big sister, I felt I had to hide my excitement because my mum didn't seem to like to see me happy.
I felt I knew when my brother was coming because my mum was extra grumpy and mean. I was right. He was born at home. My brother's Dad wasn't around. He was an opiate and uppers addict. Later, when I was 11, he would threaten me and mum's life with a hacksaw, while holding us down and beating on us, because my mum had flushed his drugs down the toilet.
I came to see this as the "straw that broke the camels back" - when my brain broke and I developed PTSD, at age 11. This was after CSA, which happened at 9 a couple of times and possible when I was a 2 1/2, 3 yr old, but I don't remember what happened then. I only know I was drugged with psychotropic mushrooms.
I had a lot of extremely painful gut/stomach problems as a child. Absolute agony. This flared up after my brother was born, again, I don't remember ever getting treatment or attention for these painful bouts, but I was very happy to have a sibling. Unfortunately, my brother is also an opiate addict.
My Dad's new wife turned out to by very disturbed and hostile to me too. Apparently she threatened to kill herself if My Dad didn't marry her. Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder, I suspect she does. My sister that came from that marriage has cut ties with her mum too.
My psychiatrist said it sounds like my mother has bpd too. All my dad always said about my mother was "be good to your mother, she's had a hard life." I used to think "what about me?" but I never said that, because, it was clear that nobody saw me, saw my suffering, or considered what life might be like for me.
They are both still extremely self focused and I never feel "seen" by them. Today, I am feeling sad about that. I am soon (days away) to have a lunch at a local cafe with both my mum and my dad.
My stepdad died when my youngest son was a baby. He's 14 now. It was a illness contracted from needle use, when he was an addict. He was actually the parent I got the most quality parenting from, ironically.
Last edited:
Freida
VIP Member
This makes me so happy for you! :hug: such huge, huge growth :hug:
- Post starter
- #2,061
mumstheword
VIP Member
Thank you so much @Freida!!!You've helped me and inspired me ENORMOUSLY. You are one of my hero/heroines!!! I see you as hugely responsible, generous of spirit, courageous and honourable. Rare qualities, in my world.
You are one of the people who have helped me get here!!!! :-) so I want you to know how grateful I am for your presence in my life!!!
- Post starter
- #2,062
mumstheword
VIP Member
Thank you so much @ninja! I'm wondering how you are going too? I will have to take a trip over to your journal and update myself :-) healing vibes comin' your way bakatcha!!! :-) :-) :-)I was just thinking about you yesterday!!
Sending positive vibes for healing
- Post starter
- #2,063
mumstheword
VIP Member
Thank you so much @AngelkeeperJ!!! You were my first friend here. Your presence has always been so heartfelt and kind!!! I might not have stuck it out, here, had it not been for you, and I'm glad I did, because being here has been a big part in me being as well as I am becoming now. So THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! :-)
Freida
VIP Member
awwww.... right back atcha! :hug:
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