trauma programs more trauma, and resolving it with ego dissolution

[maryiscontrary]

Okay peeps, I am very grateful for your wonderful replies and responses on my other thread. I want to discuss with you something that has been brewing in my head for a long time. And maybe some solutions.
I am an aspie and I was basically born a scientist. Even before I was trained as one, I was one.
It is now starting to become mainstream quantum mechanics that we are very likely living in some sort of holographic simulation. Do not run yet! :-)

The University of Toronto came out with a paper recently indicating that we are probably living in some Mega Giant black hole, which has portals into other dimensions. This is not Star Trek. Now, black holes are understood to be ran by Quantum Computing of some sort. on the edge of these black holes, multi dimensions get collapsed into Holograms. This is much like a fire casting a shadow of us on a wall of a cave. Our reality is thought to be like a shadow, and not the hardcore nuts and bolts of what is really going on.

Anybody ever reading the adverse childhood experiences study, commonly called the ace study, understands that the more trauma we have had as children, the more of a curse follows us through life, whether it be shorten life span, broken relationships, failed careers, poverty and so forth.


You really need to know about this rather tragic and bizarre phenomenon. Read about it here.
Adverse Childhood Experiences Study - Wikipedia

The investigators deserve a Nobel Prize in medicine, and possibly in economics for their work. Trauma and unmitigated stress are absolutely catastrophic for society. And as you notice when reading this, curses seem to follow traumatized people throughout life. And it is dose-dependent, the more trauma, the more random disaster.

I have often wondered why this is the case. It is perplexing. There does not seem to be a very clear-cut scientific reason why this is so, only that it is very well established.
I think that overactivation of the autonomic nervous system, whether it be the old or new branch of the parasympathetic system or just over activation of the sympathetic nervous system hold some sort of hand a programming our holographic reality. There is some sort of computing going on that we don't really fully understand, although we do have our intuition about.
I have wondered why it is my life has been a disaster. I have done a lot of recovery. I have never been a criminal, and on the surface, I am very logical and responsible. In the last 7 years, I have basically cut out all bad habits, including horrific codependency, have removed many contaminants
In my home in the form of plastics, cosmetics, and other types of industrial pollution. I have kicked all assholes out of my life, including members of my toxic family. I moved to a more sustainable location where I didn't have to have the pressures of a car or high rent. I became super organized, and got rid of all junk and organized all paperwork. I made sure that I was always on time, and I kept my commitments to the absolute best of my ability. My friends know me as reliable and generous. I lost weight and went on many trips to the country for hiking and meditation. It sounds like I have my s*** together right?
No, the curse of trauma kept following me wherever I went. no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I Network, putting in over a thousand applications I could not get a good job. It wasn't from lack of skills or references or resume or interview abilities.
And then I had a number of romantic relationships in business relationships that ended in total disaster. Again, the first few of these disasters were codependency related, and not related to anything I directly did. However, these failure still kept following me.
I would enforce boundaries, and luckily avoid further catastrophe, but still I would suffer the same amount of damage as before. And then bizarre accidents would happen. For instance, I was hit by a hit-and-run car as a pedestrian during my right away, I then got a catastrophic MRSA infection in my eye that left me blind, and I trip and fall and get badly injured at least once every couple months. it does not matter how stable my shoes are, or how good my eyeglasses are.
And my so-called healthier relationships, without my codependency, I've had to end bizarrely. It is like people literally go crazy on me, and they almost become violent when I exercise healthy boundaries.
So it's like I've improved myself, but it appears like I have programmed this, because the blowback is equal and opposite. If I improve myself, trying to defend my ego against abuse and Trauma , it's almost as if the hologram adjusts its algorithm to compensate. This has made my ego extremely frightened of reality.
this has been the same with my small business. The more skill and effort I put into growing things, the worse it gets. There is definitely some sort of blowback that I am experiencing.

This is why I think that the curse is following me, as it does other good folks on this forum that have suffered tremendous trauma as well.

now, after a lot of study of the subject , I think that the only solution is killing off the ego. I am not being woo woo or loopy here. I am talking about going through concrete steps of dissolving my negative expectations of life, my subconscious negative concept programmed by my s*** family and my s*** culture, basically going through the same ego death that Eckhart Tolle did. He went through hell, until he killed that damned ego.

So I believe that this is part of reprogramming The Matrix. You guys are free to disagree with me, but I have tried testing this shity ego-based reality every which way. I am going through the process of killing my ego, killing my expectations, greatly reducing temporarily my frontal lobe based goal activities and executive functioning, which is really gotten me nowhere, and try to do a hard reset.
I know that this is out there, and this on the surface may seem extremely flaky, but I really do not know what else there is as a solution. I have made so much in my recovery, and I know no other way in order to get the results.
I welcome all input! Bless you all!

 

[ladee]

I was helped with what you shared by simply being a member of alcoholics anonymous. I've learned more about how the ego plays in life than I ever wanted to know. lol..

I do believe, and have experienced a less complicated recovery of PTSD with this experience and knowledge.

And reading Tolle was easy and made sense. He is easy to understand from where I stand. Thank you for sharing this. I hope others respond with positive experiences of letting the ego go. Or at least be open-minded to the possibility.

 

[Ronin]

... From someone who believes a lot of cray juice...

Trauma being a curse? Nah.
Because trauma is man made. Or, you know, weather made. Or just accidental. Or, or, or. Nothing that has unexplainable attached as a label.
Vulnerability to trauma & other factors is also something that can be studied from many interesting angles... that do not require any sort of other dimensions explanations, to work.

The time someone tells me the ONLY solution to something is killing, I tend to run for the hills. .)
That might be true only if we are talking serial killers & terrorists.
But recovery? Killing literally who you are...? That sounds like trouble ahead, not assistive.

 

[maryiscontrary]

I was helped with what you shared by simply being a member of alcoholics anonymous. I've learned more about how the ego plays in life than I ever wanted to know. lol..

I do believe, and have experienced a less complicated recovery of PTSD with this experience and knowledge.

And reading Tolle was easy and made sense. He is easy to understand from where I stand. Thank you for sharing this. I hope others respond with positive experiences of letting the ego go. Or at least be open-minded to the possibility.

oh yes, going through that 4th step really opened my eyes. I'm not in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm in another compulsive behavioral group. It is all basically the same anyhow. I believe that those who have good sponsors and who really work the steps like a mother, reprogram this reality.
for instance, as I was working the fourth step, I completely and totally lost any desire for cannabis, chocolate, and sugar. this is apart from the actual behavior for which I'm in this particular group for.
the 12-step groups always speak of what's called a spiritual malady. I think specifically what this is is that the ego needs to be broken down , so that reality can be reprogrammed that is not so dysfunctional. As I said, traumatic people have this terrible hex that seem to follow them, and often times shortens life spans by 20 years or more if heavy drugs or hard alcohol use is involved. Got to reprogram the Matrix. I believe this is what the so-called spiritual malady refers to.

... From someone who believes a lot of cray juice...

Trauma being a curse? Nah.
Because trauma is man made. Or, you know, weather made. Or just accidental. Or, or, or. Nothing that has unexplainable attached as a label.
Vulnerability to trauma & other factors is also something that can be studied from many interesting angles... that do not require any sort of other dimensions explanations, to work.

The time someone tells me the ONLY solution to something is killing, I tend to run for the hills. .)
That might be true only if we are talking serial killers & terrorists.
But recovery? Killing literally who you are...? That sounds like trouble ahead, not assistive.

I totally hear what you're saying. I want you to read that link about the adverse childhood experience study and I want you to give me a rational reason why trauma follows people 30 or 40 years after initial trauma. When I say hex or curse I am being rhetorical. I want to know the scientific reason why bad things follow traumatized people through life. And I mean ego death, not real death. I just really want to make this clear. Ego can cause a s*** ton of grief if it is not properly regulated, impossibly re constructed as in the case of Eckhart Tolle.

 

[Kubash16]

I totally hear what you're saying. I want you to read that link about the adverse childhood experience study and I want you to give me a rational reason why trauma follows people 30 or 40 years after initial trauma. When I say hex or curse I am being rhetorical. I want to know the scientific reason why bad things follow traumatized people through life. And I mean ego death, not real death. I just really want to make this clear. Ego can cause a s*** ton of grief if it is not properly regulated, impossibly re constructed as in the case of Eckhart Tolle.

Actually killing your ego would be impossible. It’s one of the layers of consciousness that is necessary to being human. Ego, super ego, id, etc.

The reason bad things follow people around after they’ve experienced trauma is because trauma causes literal changes in the brain that don’t just go away. Those changes contribute to bad decisions later on. Not to mention the stress on the body after trauma is the scientific explanation for diseases and other health problems, especially coupled with bad decisions.

 

[Ronin]

I want to know the scientific reason why bad things follow traumatized people through life

That assumes, from the start, it follows.

Where you could view those as isolated incidents, just as well.
Why does rain follow in some areas? You could grab any factor, literally, in everything, and look at it as caused by factors that do not have much to do with it. Some things just are.

Bad things is a judgment, too. What one sees as a bad thing someone else sees as adversity. What someone sees as wrecking their life, the other might see as a new chance, or something they learned and grown from.

And I mean ego death, not real death.

The issue with this is, any time you destroy something of you, you may still be you, but you ain't the same. Not even starting on how it hurts. Or hurts the others around you.

So yeah, still pass.
For the reason of ego death *being* a form of death.

If it weren't, moral injury & dissociative disorders would be no issue, and they are.

Edited: Balances. You cannot just quit something integral to holding people together, filtering reality, sifting through other layers of them, etc... and think it is for the GOOD. That the whole person won't fall apart.
Study personality disorders, for altered ego states, & fun it isn't.
Study psychoses, for ego not doing the lens it should be doing.

 

[ladee]

The person I am was not taken away. By learning to 'get out of my own way' to simplify things, helped on this healing journey. It helped me to understand that my brain had been changed from trauma. It helped me to understand and accept that healing was going to take a long long while.

No magic cures or time travel for me. It's been hard. Very hard. And still is sometimes. It's just more simple. I accepted it was going to take time and hard work. And I did hit the rabbit hole. Many times.

Sorry, should not have posted. I don't speak well enough to be involved in this conversation.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Actually killing your ego would be impossible. It’s one of the layers of consciousness that is necessary to being human. Ego, super ego, id, etc.

The reason bad things follow people around after they’ve experienced trauma is because trauma causes literal changes in the brain that don’t just go away. Those changes contribute to bad decisions later on. Not to mention the stress on the body after trauma is the scientific explanation for diseases and other health problems, especially coupled with bad decisions.

part of this is bad decisions, but the statistical anomaly cannot explain a simple cause and effect. And it cannot explain either effects on the immune and endocrine systems 30, 40, in 50 years down the road.

 

[Kubash16]

And it cannot explain either effects on the immune and endocrine systems 30, 40, in 50 years down the road.

Yes it does. . . Stress. . .

Check out the book The Body Keeps the Score

 

[maryiscontrary]

That assumes, from the start, it follows.

Where you could view those as isolated incidents, just as well.
Why does rain follow in some areas? You could grab any factor, literally, in everything, and look at it as caused by factors that do not have much to do with it. Some things just are.

Bad things is a judgment, too. What one sees as a bad thing someone else sees as adversity. What someone sees as wrecking their life, the other might see as a new chance, or something they learned and grown from.



The issue with this is, any time you destroy something of you, you may still be you, but you ain't the same. Not even starting on how it hurts. Or hurts the others around you.

So yeah, still pass.
For the reason of ego death *being* a form of death.

If it weren't, moral injury & dissociative disorders would be no issue, and they are.

Edited: Balances. You cannot just quit something integral to holding people together, filtering reality, sifting through other layers of them, etc... and think it is for the GOOD. That the whole person won't fall apart.
Study personality disorders, for altered ego states, & fun it isn't.
Study psychoses, for ego not doing the lens it should be doing.

I hear what you're saying, but there are tons of spiritual teachers who have practiced ego dissolution based on spiritual practices of 1000 + years that would disagree. there are the indigenous that I have interacted with who have 5000 year old practices in the Amazon that would disagree as well. What does our contemporary culture really know?


Really, it's probably more about reprogramming the subconscious. I can sit here and White Knuckle my recovery, fill in all the blanks, do everything right, and everything still Fall Apart. For me, after many years of trying to pick this apart, after exploring many Therapies, after reading probably 1000 + academic papers on the subject , I have no other real solution to this conundrum.
Statistically, I should be living for only about another decade, based on my Ace score. if I kill off my old ego, I reprogram my reality, if I reprogram my reality, then I reprogram genetic expression, thus possibly altering my statistical outcome. Seriously, I've tried to approach this every way that the establishment has, and working through my current lens of reality just is not working. I have changed part of this Consulting with the plant medicines and the shamans in the jungle, but there is still a nasty ugly part that has to go. Again thank you for your comment!

 

[Ronin]

I hear what you're saying, but there are tons of spiritual teachers who have practiced ego dissolution based on spiritual practices of 1000 + years that would disagree.

Keep in mind those practices are both highly controlled, as to settings, and contextual, to their cultural context.

You cannot full take a method for something and apply it elsewhere as an all cure.

Statistically, I should be living for only about another decade, based on my Ace score.

I would reevaluate why you take any scores for reality.

For all I know this is the last time we are talking.
I have no surefire way of knowing, & neither does that score.

Besides, by the same rationale, no need to kill anything, for time did it for you, already. You are different today than yesterday. Will be different the moment you finish reading this post. Will be different the moment you make dinner. Will be different tomorrow. Quite naturally.

 

[grit]

You sound amazing! I wish I knew you in read L life! Your story sounded very much similar to mine Minus the aspie. I also did a lot teaching myself about how to recovery or why or how therapy works... I accepted my trauma but I made my life mission how does recovery work. With extreme open mindedness. I feel you reached a conundrum. The ego. The thing is ego is actually good for us. You know when a child feels she must tell every thing to momandad... Until the child grows her ego and learns mom and dad cannt see her mind and you can hide your thoughts. Imagine when a child gets that development phase damaged. Compound that with adulthood.... It is no longer you think people can see your mind But it becomes you or the person is always second to "other". The child truly never developed a healthy ego. Either you are forever trying to protect it or kill it. It is polarized. A really healthier person with a good enough parenting, this phase is not so sore or compromised. They are more balanced and may not even be able to explain why they are at peace. This is my take. You cannt kill something you did not master yet. You have to develop it first and then killing us not an option but awareness. Killing it is what your parents did to it. How are you different? Again the other perspective in you is stronger. Please Google if you have not allready, few great articles about ego integration and meditation. Good luck sometimes trying to kill the ego takes you to the development of the ego...and your whole reference point changes in fundamental way and amazing way. In others killi g the ego is the basic template of suicide. I feel with the amount of resilience and motivation you showed, you are the first. Holding you in my heart. If any of my thoughts are confusing I am sorry.